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Cheltenham – Day 3 Live

by Josh Powell | March 18, 2010

It’s Ladies Day at the Festival and I’m not sure what that means other than Channel 4 spending far too long on montages of women who got up at about 3am and broke out the welding iron to work on their costume for the day – probably soundtracked by a Florence and the Machine ditty.
 
We’re at the halfway point of the Festival and a change in fortune is long overdue. That change may not happen, but I’ll be bitching and moaning about it and of course keeping you up to date with the major and less than major happenings at the Cotswolds.
 
Hell Of A Horse Total: 1
Sightings Of Paddy Enjoying Corporate Hospitality At Cheltenham: 0
Fashion montages featuring a Florence and the Machine song: 3
 
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5.38pm: And with the sight of naked John McCririck running around the Cheltenham parade ring with a picture of the Queen covering his privates shouting “I’m Prince Harry’s real dad. I’m Prince Charles’ real dad. I AM THE MONARCHY!!” we bring the curtain down on our coverage of Day 3 of the Festival. Seriously, someone should really check out those treason laws – that sort of carry on just isn’t appropriate.
Maybe he’ll be feeling a little less republican tomorrow when we’ll also find out if Kauto is better than Denman, if Nicky Henderson took up that offer on an enema and perhaps most importantly, if Ivan has any photos of those wenches.
Adios. God save my Best Of Queen album.
 
5.20pm: Orna Madden – a lawyer by trade – shows the determination of a seasoned pro to win the Charity Race on board Prince Picasso. Is it just a coincidence that a lawyer wins on the day we’re trying to get John McCririck stiched up for treason? Yes, but it’s probably worth giving her a call to see if she can make it stick.
 
5.04pm: Right – this is a special race in aid of Cancer Research UK. They’re the ones who those really sad ads on TV that kind of burst you bubble when you’re having an otherwise good day. But at least they’re not loan sharks. Apparently this is the page to go to if you fancy making a donation to this worthy cause (the Cancer Research, not the loan sharks).

 
4.58pm: I’m not really sure what’s going on with the Ladies’ Charity Race. I suppose that’s no different to any of other races I’m given tips for this week. Right, I’m using my detective skills to guess this is a race, featuring ladies with charity benefiting somehow. And it’s at Cheltenham. Soon. And there’ll be horses. That’s all I know. I’m off to do some research.
 
4.48pm: It’s not worth any money, but surely the prize for most ironic moment of the week has to go to I’m So Lucky who fell when going well in the closing stages of the Fulke Walwyn lots of other words Chase. Ballabriggs crawls over the line to hold off a late charge from Faasel.
Fulke Walwyn Kim Muir Handicap Chase Result
1st Ballabriggs @ 9/1
2nd Faasel
3rd Gallant Nuit
4th Ma Yahab
Stewards Inquiry has been called, but the winner will still be the winner.
 
4.30pm: Time to wash off all the corporate obligation and look ahead to the next race (no way am I typing out the full title of this one). I’m going to go for I’moncloudnine because he sounds sassy and every other tactic I’ve used for picking winners this year has gone tits up.
 
4.27pm: What do a male electrical connector going around a nightclub asking every drunken woman for a ride and me telling you about our Free Bet Special where if you place a Wincast bet of £/€20 on the Liverpool v Lille match and we will give you a free £/€10 bet on any race at this evening’s meeting at Wolverhampton have in common?
 
They’re both shameless plugs.
 
4.15pm: There’s lots of snazzy dresses on show in the closing credits for the Channel 4 coverage, so I’m counting towards the fashion montage tally. There’s no FATM, just JLS which is roughly twenty-two times more annoying that any noise Florence made with her machine. Over to Racing UK for the last race and the race charity race thingy or use our Bet and Watch service if you don’t have that option.
No deal Noel, I’m changing channel, ya beardy gimp.
 
4.08pm: Christ! Tony McCoy has tasted more grass than a dairy cow today. Watch out for a moo the next time he’s interviewed. Song Of Songs takes a tumble towards the end of the Byrne Group Chase and Great Endeavour goes on to record David Pipe’s second win of the day.
Byrne Group Chase Result
1st Great Endeavour @ 18/1
2nd Sunnyhillboy
3rd From Dawn To Dusk
4th Mister McGoldrick
SuperExtraBonusPlace 5th Gwanako
 
3.50pm: The Campaign For McCririck To Cape Verde (catchier titles welcome) is going to have to go on hold until I look at the betting for the Byrne Group Chase. Song of Songs has drifted badly. Sorry – that’s wrong. Song Of Songs has drifted brilliantly, a little too well in fact. He’s now 12/1 after being 8/1 earlier in the day. One of the other JP Manus horses is drifting terribly – so terribly it’s actually coming in. Aigle Dor is now 16/1 after being 20/1 earlier. We’re paying five places which will come in very handy.
 
3.41pm: I’ve done a bit of research into these treason laws I’m trying to get McCririck done for. There’s not much mention of the death penalty, but there is something about offenders being “transported beyond the seas for the term or his or her natural life.” It’s no electric chair, but it’s a start. Any place where there’s an endless supply of silly hats to keep Big Mac entertained and no Channel 4 cameras will do.
 
3.33pm: Brian has been on to us to alert us to a possible “Hell Of A Horse” I may have missed.
“March 18th, 2010 at 3:30 pm e
Did robert just give a hell of a horse there when he passed it over to Ted?”

 
Well Brian, I must admit I wasn’t paying full attention, but the Hell Of A Horse Total isn’t necessarily a factual tally of the Hell Of A Horses that were actually said, but rather the number of Hell Of A Horses we want to hear and on those grounds, that’s one for the day. Keep the ears peeled for any more.
 
3.27pm: Big Buck’s cruises it to defend his World Hurdle. A rare favourite does the business for the punters. If they ever introduced a 4m hurdle, he’d be a shoe-in for it because it didn’t look like he’d be stopping any time soon when he crossed the line. Tidal Bay ran a stinker to put paid to the forecast I went for.
World Hurdle Result
1st Big Buck’s 5/6F
2nd Time For Rupert
3rd Powerstation
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3.11pm: Rob’s kicked off Game 3 of Cheltenham Katchphrase. I’m going to say “Too many cooks spoil the soup.”
 
3.10pm: No word back from Ivan about those wenches yet, so I’ll look ahead to the World Hurdle. Steady money for Big Buck’s has seen him shorten up from his morning price. No-one else wants to see Oliver Brady strip judging by the market because Ebadiyan is now 80/1 after being 40/1 earlier in the day.
 
2.54pm: We’ve had this law suit waiting to happen comment from Ivan cornock who seems to know a bit about Paddy’s whereabouts.
March 18th, 2010 at 2:35 pm e
You wont see Paddy enjoying himself today,hes to busy trying to keep Mike € porky € parry from Talksport from getting arrested,,because the ol porker has been seen Harrassing a many fine wench today,,

More details and photographs of said fine wenches please Ivan.
 
2.46pm: Albertas Run claims the Pay For Your Pee Chase. Poquelin and J’y Vole spend so much time fighting it out they forget about trying to catch the one out in front.
Pay For Your Pee Chase Result
1st Albertas Run
2nd Poquelin
3rd J’y Vole
There’s a Stewards Inquiry, but it has nowt to do with the winner.
 
2.36pm: Rob has had it exposed for the last half hour he tells me. And he also wanted to mention the last square of Cheltenham Katchphrase has been removed for the last 30 minutes and only now have they stumbled upon the right answer. We’ll have more later.
 
2.35pm: John McCririck is going through the betting for the Pay For A Pee Chase. He says “there’s money for Voy Por Ustedes [I’m about to seize the reins of power]. And Schindlers Hunt is on the drfit [I’ll turn Buck Palace into a brothel]. Lots of money also for Deep Purple [royal blood will flow through the streets].”
Seriously Liz, you’d want to keep an eye on him.
 
2.30pm: Fashion montage #2!! No Florence and the Machine, but I for one am grateful.
 
2.27pm: “Hi. We’re loan sharks, but we’ve got this beautiful lady to be the acceptable face of our murky business. If you’re expecting to get money in the near future – let’s say from a drug deal that hasn’t gone down yet or stolen goods you haven’t quite shifted yet, give us a call and we’ll give you the money until it all goes off.”
That’s basically the message this one ad that’s running repeatedly during racing on Channel 4 is saying.
 
2.25pm: Edward O’Grady on Channel 4. I am loving that hat. It’s good enough to be in a slow motion fashion montage.
 
2.20pm: Did anyone hear John McCririck on Channel 4 just there? He was talking about the Queen’s horse, Barbers Shop in the Pay For A Pee Chase, but under his breath I’m pretty sure I heard him say “I’m going to overthrow the monarchy, imprison them all and install myself as the head of a new Communist government with global domination aspirations.” Sounds like treason to me your majesty, you might want to have a look at those treason laws again.
 
2.15pm: If at first you don’t suceed, try again. Then try again, Then try again. Then try again a couple more times. Buena Vista wins at the Festival on his 6th attempt with a brave front-running performance.
Pertemps Hurdle Result
1st Buena Vista 16/1
2nd Prince Erik
3rd Chamirey
4th Cross Kennon
 
2.01pm: He doesn’t have a pipe up his ass, so I think he turned down the enema at the very least.
 
1.58pm: One of the Channel 4 presenters is asking Nicky Henderson if he fancies ‘enema’. Hello! We’re not past the watershed yet. It takes few a few moments to realise that was a botched pronuciation of Ainama and not an offer of a live colonic. I missed what he had to say typing out all this stuff.
 
1.55pm: Looking at the betting for the Pertemps Hurdle, Smoking Aces is proving public with the public, which is a lot than can be said for the god-awful movie of the same name. Sample review: The poor man’s Guy Ritchie, which is sad since the poor man already has Guy Ritchie.
 
1.40pm: We came up with Faller Insurance, it’s just a shame we haven’t perfected time travel and we could go back and use it. Lots of fallers and tumbles in an untidy opener, but Copper Bleu stays clear of trouble to hold on.
Jewson Chase Result
1st Copper Bleu @ 12/1
2nd Othermix
3rd Midnight Club
4th China Rock
 
1.30pm: Day 3 is underway in the timely manner we’ve seen all week.
 
1.25pm:
“DAD = BOOTS, ME = SLIPPERS, BRO = SOCKS. Ha, ha, chuckle, chuckle. Ask me a proper question.”
I feel sorry Niall Madden. Every time he gets interviewed, it seems like he has to explain the ‘Slippers’ nickname. He’s mastered getting through the sentence “theDadsbootsImslipperstheyoungerbrotherssocks’ in the quickest time possible, even managing to slightly happy to be asked a question he must have heard a gazillion times.
 
1.15pm: Not long to go before the start of the Jewson and there’s not a whole lot happening in the betting that’s likely to untangle the mystery. Hey Big Spender has drifted out to 9/1 after being 15/2 earlier and The Hollinwell is 10/1 after also being 15/2 earlier. There’s been money for Copper Bleu and Kings Forest.
 
1pm: Our first fashion montage of the day. No Florence and the Machine soundtrack mind, it sounds more like the type of music they play during the golf whenever they’re showing the leaderboard. I’m still chalking it up in the tally.
 
12.43pm: I’m telling you, these jockey room interviews Channel 4 are persisting with will end in tears – or a flash of jockey penis. Dennis O’Regan’s words of wisdom are apparently worth the risk and he rides Tidal Bay in the big one. And by ‘big one’ I mean the big race, not penis.
 
12.36pm: We’ve announced that the Paddy Power sign we erected on Cleeve Hill is going to become a permanent fixture. Hmmm … I can smell the petrol and matches being prepared in the country manors of the Gloucestershire gentry from here.
 
12.33pm: There’s another round of Cheltenham Katchphrase up and running. It’s clearly ‘Do The Curtains Match the Carpet?’
 
12.30pm: Sorry to get your hopes up. It’s a 10th anniversary special featuring such exciting bits as when the red team bought a Victorian chamber pot that still had genuine Victorian urine in it. Wow! … Bargain Hunt is 10 years old?! X-Works jeans now seem naff and not the cutting edge of fashion?! I feel so old.
 
12.29pm: While flicking over to Channel 4, I mistakenly watch a few minutes of Bargain Hunt. It’s going well for the blue team. I’ll keep you posted.
 
12.20pm: Byrne Group Plate – My Two Cents
Continuing the trend of the day, the Byrne Group Chase is another tough race to call. Of course they’re all tough to call when you’re me, but this one in particular. Bob Buckler isn’t the most fashionable of trainers – that’s not to say he walks around in X-WORKS jeans (now there’s an obscure early 90s reference) and tie-dye t-shirts – and that may explain why The Sawyer is such a big price for this race. He’s got course and distance form, is in decent form this season and a jockey who’s taking seven pounds off. He looks like a value bet.
 
12.15pm: Jockey Aidan Coleman on Racing UK: not so good on having anything of value to say, but excellent work on the windsor knot. They’re few and far between so far this week.
 
12.06pm: Donn McClean of The Sunday Times and many other places flagged up a couple of winners on Wednesday and to see if that’s a flash in the pan or a more sustained fire in the pan, have a look at what he has to say about Thursday at Cheltenham.
 
11.53am: If you’re a fan of showing your love for inanimate objects in a way that doesn’t take much effort on your part, then this is right up your street – show your love for the sign.
If only you could maintain a loving relationship by clicking ‘Become A Fan’ and then living your life as normal in the real world.
*random day dream tangent*
A: “You never buy me flowers or take me out for dinner anymore.”
B: “I clicked ‘Become A Fan’. What more do you want?”
 
11.45am: World Hurdle – My Two Cents
I’d like to see Ebadiyan win the World Hurdle purely to see what Oliver Brady will do in the parade ring. Last time he stripped down to reveal a Monaghan GAA shirt so this time I’d be disappointed if he was concealing anything less than a scale-model replica of Castle Leslie under there. In reality, it’s long odds that anyone’s going utter the phrase ‘is that a scale model of Castle Leslie under your shirt or are you just happy to see me?’. Only slightly shorter odds are forecasts and with Big Buck’s impossible to oppose it’s a matter of picking a horse to finish second to the defending champ. I’m gonna go for Big Buck’s to beat Tidal Bay.
 
11.32am: Edward O’Grady – superb hat BTW – is now talking about how the harsh winter has been a pain in the arse when it comes to training his horses. He didn’t use those words, but that was the gist of it. He’s not blindly tipping up Tranquil Sea in the Pay For Your Pee Chase just because he trains him and reckons he’ll have a tough task on his hands to beat some of his opponents.
 
11.31am:Sorry. It’s been brought to my attention that what I just wrote about Paddy Brennan may be slanderous. It was a Diet Coke.
 
11.28am: Paddy Brennan is on Racing UK now and guess what, he said his rides today “don’t have a chance” and “wouldn’t beat their shadows if they were racing into the sun.” He didn’t actually but he is enjoying a Coke.
 
11.10am: Ryanair Chase – My Two Cents
The Pay For Your Pee Chase features a lot of upper midtable talent. The Villas and Spurs of the world – decent, but not the very best. It’s difficult to pick holes in Poquelin’s form and he’s a worthy favourite. That said, he’s still there to be shot at. I’ve always thought Schindlers Hunt has one big race win in him and on the ratings, he’s as good as he’s ever been. I hear he’s in good shape and if he reproduces the form of 3rd in last year’s edition, he’ll go close. Possibly 3rd if it’s an exact reproduction.
 
10.58am: Racing UK are now talking to someone who’s blogging about the Cheltenham Festival and I’m now blogging about a blogger on Racing UK. This is about as post-modern as Cheltenham gets. Trippy.
 
10.53am: Pertemps Hurdle – My Two Cents
The Pertemps Hurdle looks as difficult to decipher as a doctor’s handwriting. I’ll keep it short. I’m going for Maucaillou because I saw a documentary on Paul Nolan last week on BBC Four and they had to use subtitles for most of what he was saying. And to be fair, with an accent from deepest Wexford, they came in pretty handy. The big prudes in the Beeb didn’t subtitle the many, many, swearwords mind. At least when RTE aired the same programme this week the subtitles were gone. It’s well worth a look which is more than can be said for most of my tips.
 
10.38am: Dessie Hughes is next up for a few vague comments. He’s got four runners today and the conditions suit all of his horses and they’re all in good form and by 6pm he hopes to be master of the universe after a massive intergalatic battle royal. Sorry, he may not have said all that, I started daydreaming.
 
10.35am: The Jewson – My Two Cents
This year’s Jewson is a riddle so difficult it should feature Tom Hanks with greasy hair running around Cheltenham trying to solve it. 20 runners only one of two of which you can rule out of winning it with any degree of certainty (they might well be able to claim a place). After father and son combined to win the bumper so impressively yesterevening, the Tizzards are clearly in good form and the course and distance victory of Hey Big Spender is enough for me to give him the nod over several other genuine candidates.
 
10.20am: Paul Carberry is next up to say exactly what you’d expect a jockey or trainer to say. He reckons Nicanor has a great chance of winning the Jewson. Oh! What a coincidence, that’s the horse he’s riding in the race. Is the earth still revolving on it’s axis?
 
10.12am: The first foray of the day into the crazy world of Cheltenham Katchphrase is underway. There’s one square revealed and I’m going to go for the famous old proverb “a crappy carpet makes the room grow colder.” I’m wrong? No way!
 
9.58am: He doesn’t disappoint! Bullish doesn’t do justice to his attitude about Ebadiyan in the World Hurdle. He says his bad run last time out was due to a nail in the horse’s hoof. Although any trainer who leaves nails on the ground in his yard probably needs to look at his training methods. In wordplay worthy of our Pun v Punter competition, he reckons he’ll have the “Big Bucks” after the race. Quality craziness.
 
9.56am: Oliver Brady being interviewed now. This should be good.
 
9.47am: No, nothing yet.
 
9.44am: We’ve reached that time of the morning where Racing UK presenters are grabbing random trainers and jockeys for interviews in which they don’t say anything especially enlightening. First up, Ferdy Murphy who provided the winner for Katie Walsh yesterday. I’ll let you know if he says anything worthy of interest.
 
9.40am: The going at Cheltenham is good to soft, good in places. And the groove, the groove is in your heart.
 
9.30am: What are the odds? One of the possible answers [I’m not saying it’s the correct answer, but … ] in our Really Difficult Cheltenham Day 3 Quiz refers to Sandra Bullock and her less than glamourous partner. I open up the paper today and the first story I see is some woman who’s not Sandra Bullock claiming to have ridden Sandra Bullock’s husband more than a 50-rated nag at Wolverhampton. You can also guess that the first paper I opened this morning wasn’t the Financial Times.
 
9.20am: The Morning Line comes to an end and the sight of Debra Messing’s boney frame is enough to have me frantically scrambling for Racing UK. The team leave us with their bets of the day:
Tanya: The Hollinwell in the Jewson Novices’ Chase
Ted: Smoking Aces in the Pertemps Hurdle (and unprotected sex as long as you can guarantee offspring as talented as his)
Lesley: Albertas Run (Each Way) in the Ryanair Chase
Jim: Poquelin in the Ryanair Chase
Andrew McNamara: Powerstation in the World Hurdle (it’s his ride for the race)
John: Atouchbetweencara in the Byrne Group Plate
 
9.07am: Irish footballers must have been turning up the “Oh Begorah” at their clubs of late. They seem to have been given a free pass for Paddy’s Day and Stephen Hunt, John O’Shea and Kevin Kilbane made an appearance at Cheltenham yesterday. “Don’t stand so close to the parade ring Mr. Hunt, your hair is scarring the horses.”
 
9am: Treason is the only crime that still carries the death penalty in the UK. QI told me that I think. Now I’m not suggesting Jim McGrath be hung drawn and quartered, but he did describe the Queen’s horse, Barbers Shop as a “nearly horse”. Henry VIII would have him swinging for less.
 
8.49am: Yeah, John McCririck isn’t apologising. And uses the space reserved for an apology to have a go at Sam Waley Cohen. For being overly foppish.
 
8.45am: Our puns did the business on Wednesday. Pat Farrell is the punter on Day 3 and to have a look at what he’s going for or critique his selections or even put your name forward for a go on Friday, have a click on this.
 
8.25am: The Morning Line starts. Is John McCririck going to give that apology Davy Russell asked for yesterday? Two chances and none of them are descriptions of Big Mac’s body shape. Andrew McNamara – featuring a haircut you could set your watch by – is the special guest.
 
8.20am: Mick Fitzgerald thinks Big Bucks is unbeatable in the World Hurdle and in his second bit of weathermaning in two days, reveals it’s “very cold” at the course right now. At least one of those things can be taken as fact.

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