The Sex And The City girls were looking well in the sequel.
[Somewhere in Buckingham Palace.Tuesday morning.]
"Ohhhhhhh. One’s head is thumping.
Flunky, one would like a breakfast roll. Lots of ketchup. One would also like a bottle of Lucozade. And a packet of Skips. And Phillip would like – Phillip, the usual is it? [painful groan]
And Phillip will have anything that’s not foreign."
[Flunky scurries off to fetch the royal hangover cure]
"Come on Phillip. Get up. I want to get a carriage space near the grandstand and we need to get there early.
[Phillip is on the receiving end of a Royal Dutch Oven]
That’s our undeniably wrong and quite possibly treasonous guess at what’s going on in the royal bed chambers at about this time. It’s been a heavy few days of birthday celebrations for Queen Liz 2.0. On Friday she was busy reading out the names of people she wants to hang out with in the Palace. Then came the torture of several hours worth of Trooping The Colour. Never before have the Royal fingers been so busily tapping away at the Royal iPhone. She’ll have been on paddypower.com checking out the odds on what colour hat she’ll be wearing on Ladies’ Day and texting her mates saying "ha, ha! They didnt reckon wit my luv of Timmy Mallet. Get on polka dot @ 100/1. I mite even wear the matching itsy bitsy tenny weeny yellow bikini! LOL ; )"
Paddy is dusting down his top hat and the tails are being dry cleaned so it can mean only one thing – he’s landed the role as the Penguin in the next Batman movie. And it’s also Royal Ascot – the poshest race meeting since the WASP Annual Conference 2009. It’s our favourite week in the year when we can pretend we’re posh and at sometime in the not so distant past our ancestors got a little more intimate with each other than blood relations really should.
We’ll put up with all the smugness and snobbery because it is a meeting jam-packed with top quality racing right from the start. And we don’t even have to pretend the first few races are good and worth sitting through until the races that are actually any good begin. The Group 1 Queen Anne Stakes kicks things off and it’s a fascinating battle between the sexes. Goldikova (£2.5 million in prize money, never finished out of the top three in her 16 races) takes on Rip Van Winkle and Paco Boy plus some others that don’t really deserve a mention.
That appetiser is followed by the King Stand Stakes and after that Willie Carson will be packing up that box he stands on so he looks vaguely in the same area code as Clare Balding height-wise and moving to BBC2. Then it’s the St. James Palace Stakes – or as we’re caling it The 2,000 Guineas Part 2: Still Trying To Make Sense Of It as Makfi, Canford Cliffs, Dick Turpin and Steinbeck renew rivalries in the showpiece of day 1.
We’re not going to go into details about the vast number of Group races on for the remainder of the week, but rest assured it’s a lot and involves lots of Willie Carson and patented ‘make me look taller’ device switching channels a lot. If it’s worth getting out of the royal bed chambers for, it’s well worth tuning in for.