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South Africa v France Live: As It’s Going To Happen

by Josh Powell | June 22, 2010

Our correspondent, Cartoon Vampire is at the event with the guys in the jerseys and the footballs being held in the southern portion of the African continent and he’ll save you the agony of having to watch today’s crucial game.
 
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92 mins: Full Time: 6-1 to South Africa. It’s a win for South Africa but a suspiciously eventual 14-14 draw between Mexico and Uruguay denies them progress to the knockout stages. The normally mellow, Nelson Mandela is furious and immediately renounces his South African citizenship.
 
89 mins: At this stage the game has descended into nothing short of farce €“ France’s Emile Heskey, Djibril Cisse has entered the fray.
 
81 mins: One last throw of the dice for Domenech €“ Celtic Tarot Readings it is.
 
73 mins: GOAL! 6-1 to South Africa. The 22 men of France pull a goal back. They create an eight man overlap down the left wing. The ball gets worked to Florent Malouda in the penalty area who defies a bad haircut to curl the ball into the top right bottom corner of the goal. ‘
 
68 mins: Wanting to go down in a blaze of glory, Raymond Domenech empties the bench. He puts on the remainder of his squad taking off no-one. Strangely this still isn't enough for Djibril Cisse to get a game.
 
55 mins: The ball bounces around the South African penalty area and hits a hand. Thierry Henry appeals for handball. The referee turns it down. Henry then appeals to be transported back in time to the moment he decided to leave Arsenal. That’s also turned down.
 
47 mins: That’s pretty much gone out the window as Bacary Sanga puts in cross so bad Diego Forlan gets on the end of it some 400 miles away in Rustenburg.
 
46 mins: The second half is underway and there’s little left for France to do but salvage some pride.
 
Half Time: Now it’s off for the fifteen minutes of lazy stereotypes, mild racism and xenophobia otherwise known as the half-time punditry. Graeme Souness reasserts his preference for blondes and daydreams extensively about watching the next Denmark match.
 
42 mins: GOAL! 6-0 to South Africa. Matt Damon springs from the corporate boxes to beat the French offside trap and seal the rights for the eventual boring movie of this World Cup. It’s only one goal, but due to employing Graham Poll to keep score, it gets counted as five. Damon misses the conversion, which is to be expected considering the shape of the goalposts.
 
36 mins: South Africa €“ realising they’re in danger of being the most disappointing host since Jude Cisse did the WAGS Come Dine With Me €“ up the pressure on the French defence. They’re starting to ask some difficult questions of William Gallas with “are you sure leaving Chelsea was a good idea?” provoking an angry tantrum and sit-down on the pitch.
 
34 mins: Deciding that it’s time to live up to the comparisons with Zidane, Yoann Gourcuff tries to take the game by the scruff of the neck. He picks the ball up in midfield, surges forward with authority, cleverly ignores his team-mates in better positions and blasts a shot at goal from 25 yards. Throw in to South Africa.
 
30 mins: Half an hour played and we’ve had just one attempt on goal and the game has been dull, dreary and mired mainly in midfield – making it one of the most exciting games at the World Cup so far.
 
22 mins: Almost of a quarter of the game is played and there’s little penetration from France. Raymond Domenech needs to try something different. He hangs up on Mystic Meg and gives 7th Sense Psychics (?) a shout.
 
15 mins: A South African player has gone down clutching his face after someone stood on his toe. As per FIFA guidelines this is a red card offence for the Frenchman nearest to him. In a damning indictment of the lax French defence, it’s given to Jean Reno who's sat in Row B Seat 12 of the stands.
 
10 mins: GOAL! 1-0 to South Africa. France suddenly stop playing and allow Siphiwe Tshabalala to run unopposed from the halfway line before he slots home from an obtuse angle. It’s unclear whether this is a protest from the French players regarding events over the last few days or just the way they’ve been playing at this World Cup.
 
2 mins: There’s an early scare for South Africa as Franck Ribery jumps out of a wardrobe wielding a machete.
 
1 min: France, ditching the conventional blue, opt to play in hastily made “Save Le Sulk” cheap t-shirts. South Africa play in their traditional kit of yellow, green and blind optimism.

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