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England v Slovenia Live: As It’s Going To Happen

by Josh Powell | June 23, 2010

Cartoon Vampire isn’t in Nelson Mandela Bay for England's all important massive disappointment against Slovenia, but that won't stop him giving you a blow by blow account of what’s going to happen.
 
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Post match tying up the loose ends: In response to an email from R Atkensin, if I rearrange those letters they spell ginger. I don’t see how Heskey is a thick, lazy ginger. You might be thinking of Dave Kitson.
 
There hasn't been much in the way of Slovenia-slagging today, but they're a young country and it takes a while to build up a stock of mildly racist lazy stereotypes. They do have a hotel that used to be a prison in Ljubljana, which still sounds more appealing than a Travelodge.
 
Full Time: The referee blows on his vuvuzela to bring the game to an end. 1-0 to England. Fabio's brilliant. The players are the best in the world. The Premier League is the second best league in the world second only to the League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Start carving ENGLAND onto the trophy.
 
Job done for England and they march on triumphantly to a second round exit to Serbia. The pundits are delighted as it means they've heard of a player in the Serbian squad and can now extensively sing the praises of Nemanja Vidic: Unsung Heroâ„¢ ignoring his ill discipline and ferry-like acceleration.
 
90 + 3 mins: GOAL! 1-0 to England. The breakthrough finally arrives. There doesn’t seem to be much on when Emile Heskey receives the ball in a central position 25 yards from goal, but he cleverly tries to trap the ball causing it to ricochet wildly off his shin, beyond the despairing dive of Samir Handanovic and into the bottom left hand corner. Left as we look at it. The keeper's right, but north and north east/south and south west for anyone looking at it from the sideline stands – just to keep things in perspective.
 
83 mins: The England team were visibly lifted by that passionate rendition of God Save The Queen from the fans. Things have slowed down a bit during Posh Spice Takes It Up The Arse. Still a classic nonetheless.
 
81 mins: The remaining members of the 1966 team are sitting behind the England dugout, their medals rocking side to side as they shake their heads in disappointment. What’s a little pressure?
 
75 mins: England's de facto manager, John Terry, decides it's time for a change. Peter Crouch enters the fray. A great touch for a big man, pity he heads the ball like a new born baby.
 
71 mins: Carrick comes on to replace Gerrard, makes his way slowly to the centre circle and then disappears in a puff of smoke. The first bit of magic we've seen all game. He reappears on the bench beside a decidedly unimpressed Joe Hart. Capello doesn't appear to have noticed his absence.
 
62 mins: Disgraceful tackle!! Ashley Cole is given his marching orders after being caught flashing his gentleman’s bits to a mildly attractive young Slovenian lady in the front row. He’s claiming a groin strain but the ref’s having none of it.
 
55 mins: Steven Gerrard is suffering badly from forehead cramp and possibly a neck strain after a solid first half of frowning and head shaking.
 
47 mins: David Beckham returns to the bench after half-time sporting a bandaid over his eye. Initial reports that Capello is to blame are dispelled as it's revealed he was standing behind Robert Green when someone tossed the West Ham stopper a bottle of Lucozade Sport. His own fault this one.
 
Half Time: England 0 €“ 0 Slovenia
Not a whole lot going on on the pitch but Emile Heskey trips on his way back to the bench with the teas. Tetleys and jaffa cakes cover the dugout floor but everyone appreciates the effort anyway. And from our twitter page (nothingbettertodowithmylife@twitter.com) we have the following: colroons@twitter
Game not gr8. Wayne got me a luvly diamond though. They iz real cheap over here. He sayz itz called a blood diamond coz they can cut true anyfing and make you bleed. It sparkles 🙂
 
39 mins: There’ll be some stoppage time after this one. Play is halted when Madonna lands a helicopter in the centre circle and tries to adopt Shaun Wright-Phillips.
 
35 mins: The half hour mark has passed and England still haven't made the breakthrough. Fabio Capello is trying calm his players down using the unorthodox method of screaming orders in their faces.
 
26 mins: Slovenia could potentially top Group C, but they're not showing much in the way of ambition. They're offered the chance to audition on Britain's Got Talent but decline on the grounds that they probably aren't as good as that woman that ate fire with her tits out.
 
20 mins: The new World Cup ball complains about Frank Lampard after Lampard launches him into the stands for the umpteenth time in the game.
 
12 mins: David James is forced into action for the first time in the game. John Terry spots the WAGS section and makes a beeline for Alex Curran. James intercepts before Terry can get over the advertising hoardings.
 
6 mins: Wayne Rooney gets his first touch of the game. He ends up shinning it out of play for a Slovenian throw-in, but it's already an improvement on his showing against Algeria.
 
4 mins: Aaron Lennon makes a promising run into the penalty area and pulls the ball back expecting an on-rushing Steven Gerrard to latch on to it, but Gerrard is too busy denying unsavoury rumours about his private life.
 
1 min: After all the speculation and controversy the game gets underway. Fabio Capello has used some of his renowned tactical nous and picked 11 players. As yet the tactics remain unclear but it's widely expected that he'll attempt to utilise the gameplan of trying to win. Or failing that, the Rafa Benitez tactic of failing dismally and getting a multi-million pound payoff. He's not bothered either way.
 
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Tense Build Up Summary:
2.30pm: There's widespread relief across the nation with the news that Emile Heskey's fit to start €¦ a career in the fast food industry.
 
10.30am: Our mildly racist former international resurfaces on Talksport who let him say his piece before offering him the breakfast show..
 
10.20am: “We can do it €“ bulldog spirit. They're they are. Coming over to South Africa, knocking us out of World Cups €¦ €œ says another former international before being cut off during an interview on Sky News.
 
10.10am: €œWe can do it – bulldog spirit€ says another former international on GMTV.
 
10am: “We can do it – bulldog spirit” says another former international on Sky Sports News.
 
9am: Some former England player gives a rousing speech on BBC Breakfast about how much he loves this country and how the players should play for the pride of the country. It's just overly enthusiastic enough to suggest he's secretly a member of the BNP and he spends his spare time driving around throwing firebombs at foreign restaurants.

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