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Spain v Portugal – How It’s Gonna Go Down

by Josh Powell | June 28, 2010

We asked Cartoon Vampire to use his supernatural skills to give us a prediction of what's going to happen when Iberian neighbours, Spain and Portugal meet. Oh, he used his supernatural ability alright €“ his supernatural ability to cram a huge array of nob gags into a fake text commentary.
1 min: Spain take to the field with their usual kits of red shirts, navy shorts and the underlying feeling that Euro 2008 was just a fluke and they're still chokers. Portugal line up in a formation which has Cristiano Ronaldo at the centre, with his team-mates and indeed the sun orbiting around him in celestial harmony.
5 mins: Trying to hit back at critics who suggest he's not fully fit, Fernando Torres does 20 jumping jacks and 10 sit ups, but is roundly ridiculed when it turns out he does his press-ups the girly way.
12 mins: Deco and Pedro Mendes exchange passes and anecdotes about what it's like to be a Portuguese living in London. The move breaks down when Mendes makes a ham-fisted attempt to explain the strange dichotomy of the British wherein they simultaneously distrust and depend upon the foreigner.
19 mins: GOAL! 1-0 to Spain. David Villa finishes off a lovely Spanish move that features one touch passing, clever movement and at one point a sea lion jumping through a ring of fire whilst balancing the ball on his nose. Cesc Fabregas is being credited with the assist. He's actually on the bench, but that's no excuse not to throw some praise the way of Cesc Fabregas.
28 mins: A Portuguese player is on the receiving end of some light contact from a Spanish player and doesn't collapse on the ground clutching his knee. The referee stops play to make sure the player isn't in the middle of an aneurism or hasn't had a personality transplant.
34 mins: GOAL! 2-0 to Spain. It’s disaster for Portugal as Raul Meireles notices there's one part of his body he hasn't yet covered in a lame tattoo. He leaves his central midfield berth to head to the nearest tattoo parlour. Xavi picks up the ball and waddles through unopposed before unleashing a stoppable shot towards goal. At least all will be forgiven if it’s a decent tattoo.
35 mins: No such luck. It's a butterfly riding a unicorn.
42 mins: Ouch! Simao feels the full force of a Gerard Pique challenge. Portugal are awarded the free kick, but the players descend on the referee doing that thing of waving an imaginary yellow card. The referee responds by waving an imaginary €œoh do f*ck off and leave me alone€ banner. The Spanish players also get into the swing of things by waving an imaginary maracas and doing an impromptu flamenco.
HALF TIME: Spain look to be in control but the International Monetary Fund and the financial markets aren't so sure. It's back to the studio for a circle jerk about how good Spain's passing is.
46 mins: Andres ‘the palest Spanish man in history’ Iniesta doesn’t emerge on the pitch for the second half as Egon, Peter and Raymond descend on the Spanish dressing room, mistake him for a ghost and use the Proton Packs to capture him.
53 mins: GOAL! 2-1 to Spain. Iker Casillas was on the receiving end of a lot of criticism after being accused of being distracted by his TV presenter girlfriend during the defeat to Switzerland. Not doing much to refute those claims, he's now on the receiving end of some unsolicited fellatio which allows Liedson to score and has Portugal still dreaming of a semi.
54 mins: I know it's a quarter-final place up for grabs here.
61 mins: Cristiano Ronaldo dispossesses a team-mate and bursts forward towards the Spanish goal. A blur of step-overs is enough to send Carles Puyol tumbling on his arse. At the crucial moment he ignores five of his team-mates lining up unmarked on the six yard box waiting for a tap in in favour of trying to score from an impossible angle. It’s his worst decision since he hooked up with Gemma Atkinson.
69 mins: Sergio Ramos stuns the crowd with an amazing piece of forging a career in professional football despite a lack of talent.
75 mins: More pressure for Portugal to withstand. Xabi Alonso plays a stunning through-ball clearly good enough to raise Liverpool from 7th to 4th place in the Premier League.
89 84 mins: There’s not much time left for Portugal and thinking back to his days at Old Trafford, Carlos Queiroz considers what Fergie would do in a situation like this. Queiroz runs on to the field and whilst the referee is distracted by a perfectly heterosexual enjoyment of Ronaldo's six-pack, sets his watch back 5 minutes.
90 + 4 mins: We're deep into time added on for Portuguese players rolling around on the ground. Ronaldo beats the offside trap but not the other trap set up by Spain. Racing through on goal, he spots the row of mirrors and catches a glimpse of his own beautiful face. This instantly gives him an erection and whilst trying to conceal from public view, Casillas picks up the loose ball.
FULL TIME: 2-1 to Spain. Much like when Portugal met Brazil in the group stages, I had decided to make this a draw before a ball was kicked, but then I realised I’d need to write another half hour of nob gags. And you know the old saying €“ if you go to the well too often, eventually you’ll run out of nob gags. Spain march on, Portugal flail around on the floor. I’m off to ‘get distracted’ by Iker Casillas’ missus.


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