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Holland v Brazil – How It’s Gonna Go Down

by Josh Powell | July 1, 2010

Build Up: There’s drama even before a ball has been kicked as Dunga adopts a Rotherham accent and names 10 players plus an apparently innocuous cake trolley in his starting line-up.
1 min: The quarter-final gets underway and it's soon uncovered that €˜Dunga' is in fact one of the Chuckle Brothers with his moustache shaved off. The real Dunga is discovered bound, gagged and suffering the psychological torture of being forced to wear a hideous shirt, but not before Robinho clatters into the cake trolley and endures the displeasure of the other guests in the hotel.
2 mins: It turns out the shirt wasn't a form of torture, it was bad fashion sense.
6 mins: Elano and Robinho combine to wonderful effect to launch a character assassination of Mark Hughes.
10 mins: A 1/2 chance falls the way of Van Persie, but he can't convert it. On closer inspection, it may have only been a 2/5s chance. Or maybe a 9/20s chance. It certainly wasn't a chance that could be described accurately in decimal format.
16 mins: Despite both nations being stereotyped as good football kicking guys, it's been a tentative start to the game. There's been more feeling each other out than you'd get during a Twilight movie.
21 mins: GOAL! 1-0 to Brazil. Gregory van der Wiel deserts his right back position to go to a Lil Wayne concert, leaving Robinho free to stroll into the penalty area. He tees up Luis Fabiano who €“ not for the first time in the competition €“ controls the ball Harlem Globetrotters style before flicking the ball up a couple of times and smashing a volley into the net. The referee admits he saw the handball, but with a hearty chuckle says that goal was so beautiful it should be allowed to stand. Most of that is based on actual events.
23 mins: It's the first booking of the game. Michel Bastos is shown a yellow card for having a name that sounds dangerously close to €˜bastard'.
30 mins: Underlying their new-found efficiency, the Brazilian players form an assembly line and make a surprisingly good alternative to the Volkswagen Golf at a cheaper price.
34 mins: Wesley Sneijder is through on goal but is brought down by an over-zealous taxman who's hunting down Wesley Snipes.
42 mins: Holland think they've equalised, but the referee isn't convinced the whole of the ball crossed the whole of the line. He sends the decision upstairs to the hastily appointed video ref €“ and friend of Sepp Blatter – Silvio Berlusconi, but as the footage seems to be a live feed from the inside of a women's dressing room of a Milanese gym, the goal can't be given. Mental images of the Italian Prime Minister cracking one off to semi-nude teenage girls? That's definitely over the line.

HALF TIME: We've reached the break and it's Brazil who are edging it. That's a perfectly adequate summary of what's happen, but they have to keep some old guys in gainful employment during their autumn years, so it's back to the studio for some nitpicking of the highest order.
46 mins: Brazil have had to reshuffle their defence after Juan was delayed by the drug testers. Apparently they've been asking him how many names he has and what are they for over an hour now.
53 mins: GOAL! 1-1. De Jong has a speculative effort from forty yards. The ball looks to be heading in the direction of the corner flag when it gets a little too close to Dirk Kuyt, at which point it swerves violently away from the Liverpool man and nestles itself safely in the top corner. We've seen this ball do some crazy things in this tournament but I could swear I saw it shudder there.
59 mins: Julio Baptista is played through on goal, but breaks down at the crucial moment, tearfully explaining that his nickname of €˜The Beast' has nothing to do with his physical size, it's because he needs to find true love to break the spell of ugliness. Vanessa Perroncel reveals John Terry told her a similar story not so long ago.
65 mins: GOAL! 2-1 to Brazil. Almost like a ghost, Kaka floats effortlessly through midfield, haunts a small child and curls a wonderful shot into the top left of the goal. He celebrates by lifting up his shirt to reveal that infamous €˜I Belong To Jesus' t-shirt. Jesus, sat in the Vatican's corporate box, lifts up his tunic to reveal a €˜I Belong To Jedward' t-shirt and evidence that he is in fact Jewish, but not in fact superhuman in all departments.
73 mins: Receiving the ball with his back to goal, Luis Fabiano turns on a sixpence, runs towards goal, but just when you'd expect him to have a shot, he turns around to pick up the sixpence because although things are going well for the Brazilian economy at the moment, you can't be too sure when the next rainy day will come along.
79 mins: Needing to do something, Bert Van Marwijk turns to his substitutes. He's about to introduce Klaas Jan Huntelaar into the fray but a last minute false advertising writ means he's off changing his first name from Klaas to Lazy.
82 mins: Ryan Babel has been described as having “the potential to become the new Thierry Henry” and that prediction looks to be coming to pass. After embarking on a dribble only to be easily dispossessed by an opponent, he looks contemptuously towards his team-mate and then slowly begins to disappear up his own arse.
86 mins: Julio Cesar has been heralded as a break with the Brazilian tradition of the goalkeeper being a weak link in the team, but there are concerns that he may be a dodgy keeper after he offers his fellow players a suspiciously good deal on the latest Appel i-Fone.

90 + 2 mins: GOAL! 3-1 to Brazil. Holland €“ in a desperate attempt to find an equaliser and a social policy that reconciles their liberal attitude with the need for economic growth €“ throw all their men forward for a corner. Robin Van Persie gets his head to the ball, but only that fluffy quiff part of his head and the ball falls to Gilberto Silva who can't be arsed running and belts the ball in to an empty goal from 85 yards.
FULL TIME: It's another disappointment for the Dutch on the international stage. After looking so good for a long time, it has fallen apart in dramatic fashion. It's like 2Unlimited all over again. Brazil will take their place in the semi-final whilst all the surprise publicity earns Barry Chuckle a place on the next I'm A Celeb €¦ I Need To Pay The Costs Of My Eventual Poorly Attended Funeral.


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