Cartoon Vampire is coming to the end of his all expenses trip to South Africa which can mean only one thing – he’s making the most of the free alcohol while he can. Here’s his whiskey-fuelled prediction of what will happen when Holland meet Uruguay in the first semi-final.
BUILD UP: The biggest defeat that the Dutch national side ever suffered was a 12-2 loss at the hands of the England Amateurs. That’s a team of amateurs who used to represent England rather than a clever name for the current team.
Luis Suarez has been called up to the Uruguayan volleyball team so misses out whilst Mark van Bommel told an off-colour mother-in-law joke in the dressing room which endured the wrath of his father in law and manager, Bert Van Marwijk so will only start on the bench.
1 min: Holland play in their traditional orange kit, so chosen because the founder of the Dutch Football Association was an Oompa Loompa. Uruguay play in their familiar outfit of sky blue and the feeling that they’re extremely lucky to still be here.
2 mins: Holland have been practical rather than pretty at this World Cup and there’s an early signal they again won’t be the easiest on the eye as they send Dirk Kuyt out onto the pitch in revealing lingerie.
It’s not pretty
6 mins: We’ve had to wait about five minutes later than normal, but Arjen Robben has his first pointless shot of the game. Despite having several of his team-mates in better positions, he attempts a shot from 35 yards.
12 mins: It’s all been one way traffic so far, but Uruguay respond with the risky strategy of cycling up the bus lane the wrong way.
16 mins: Holland are still bossing proceedings, so much so that they invite Uruguay on a work night out where the Uruguayans are forced to laugh at all the Dutch players’ lame jokes and endure awkward long silences in return for three pints of flat beer.
19 mins: Diego Forlan has had an excellent World Cup and he seems to be everywhere. Forlan makes inroads down the left flank and puts in a great cross which Forlan gets on the end of, but heads it narrowly wide.
23 mins: It turns out the other €˜Forlan’ is the oldest one of the Hanson brothers. Mmmbop indeed.
27 mins: GOAL! 1-0 to Uruguay. The Dutch defence are caught napping as the real Diego Forlan explains in great detail the steps he takes to keep his flowing locks so full of vibrant and strong. With Heitenga and Andre Ooijer asleep, Sebastian Abreu tiptoes in to slot the ball past a sleepy little Maarten Stekelenburg.
35 mins: We’ve heard about the ball behaving oddly throughout this World Cup, but this one is extremely weird. Arjen Robben picks up the ball just outside the penalty area and has another ill-advised shot sending the ball high into the stands. The ball runs upstairs, locks himself in his room and tells us he won’t be coming out until everyone stops treating him like some sort of freak and mankind stops being so cruel to each other.
40 mins: Robin Van Persie manages to shake off a couple of Uruguayan defenders with a repugnant fart. He’s in acres of space but falls victim to Arjen Robben’s belief that “a bad shot by me is still much better than anyone else having the ball.”
42 mins: We’ve got a bit of handbags. Wesley Sneidjer whips out a Louis Vitton but is put firmly in his place by Edinson Cavani who snapped up a Birkin in the January sales.
HALF TIME: It’s back to the studio to hear some old fellas tell you how they used to be so much better than this lot and it was great back when you could give a woman a slap €“ great times.
From twitter: @pointlessfad “some people have accused #Uru of having an easy passage to the semi-final, but I thought those Arsenal Under 9s they played in the 2nd Round were a lot physically stronger than I’d been expecting.”
46 mins: The teams are back out after half-time and there are no changes. Holland are still the arrogant bastards we’re still fully expecting to implode at some stage, whilst Uruguay are still just grateful to be in the tournament.
48 mins: Holland are searching for the equaliser. They’re almost rewarded as Robin Van Persie goes close with a glancing header. Well, he’s calling it a glance, but it was probably a stare and quite possibly a full blown perv.
52 mins: GOAL! 1-1. Holland grab an equaliser, but not before a long delay. Ryan Babel cuts in from the left flank and blasts a shot towards goal. In unison, 90,000 people in the crowd, all the players, staff and officials look upwards expecting to see it float harmlessly towards row ZZ, but the ball is lost in flight. The game is put on hold for 15 minutes as there is a large scale search, but just as FIFA are about to declare it a ghost-ball, it’s found in the back of the net, much to the surprise of everyone who’s seen Ryan Babel play before.
57 mins: Robin Van Persie has been caught offside. He’s got his hand on the ass of another bloke’s girlfriend. He claims it’s consensual and the referee seems to agree as he takes no further action.
63 mins: The game has become more stretched than the skin on Sharon Osbourne’s suspiciously youthful looking face.
66 mins: GOAL 2-1 TO HOLLAND! It’s just like the Brazil game all over again. Except with Holland playing well this time. So in that respect it’s nothing like the Brazil game. If you care about the goal, then just imagine Dirk Kuyt doing all the hard work before teeing up Robin Van Persie for a tap in and a quick stealing of all the credit.
71 min: Free kick to Holland in a dangerous area – the recently established €˜mine-field zone’ that FIFA hastily introduced to add some spice to what was shaping up to be a particularly dull World Cup. We wouldn’t bother with a long run-up on this occasion boys.
74 mins: Despite not even being on the bench, Luis Suarez leaps out of his seat in the stand, sprints on to the pitch and scythes down Arjen Robben with a game ending challenge. He’ll definitely miss the final after that one but as the ref flashes the red card, he leaves the pitch wearing a large grin and high-fiving every Uruguayan he passes on the way.
76 mins: Uruguay are hanging on by a thread, but they’ve decided attack is the best form of defence. A word to the wise lads, that seems like a good idea, but I was summoned to court once about some unpaid parking fines. I walked in, called the judge an overpaid peado, punched the prosecution lawyer in the face and set the courthouse on fire. It didn’t work out well.
80 mins: After convincing his boss that the mother in law jibe wasn’t specifically a joke about Van Marwijk’s wife, but a humourous reflection on mothers-in-law in general, Mark Van Bommel gets his chance, coming on for Robin Van Persie who’s been struck down with a faulty quiff.
82 mins: Van Bommel almost makes an immediate impact, hitting the target with €œThe difference between outlaws and inlaws? Outlaws are wanted!€ Mega zing to the Van Marwijk family.
85 mins: GOAL! 3-1 TO HOLLAND. There’s widespread confusion at the heart of the Uruguay defence as some asks €œwho are we going to say we lost to?€ This kickstarts a heated version of the tedious Holland/the Netherlands debate allowing Wesley Sneijder to walk the ball into the net.
88 mins: Holland look to be cruising into their first World Cup final since 1978, but Johann Cruyff looks unimpressed. He launches into an angry rant about how Dutch football, Bond girls and gritty cop dramas used to be much better back in the 70s.
90+1 mins: FULL TIME. Uruguay get the Argentina/horse with a broken leg treatment as the referee puts them out of their misery. Holland march into the final which is the nation’s best performance on the international stage since the Vengaboys.