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Germany v Spain – How It’s Gonna Go Down

by Josh Powell | July 6, 2010

Cartoon Vampire is armed with a pen, notebook and disturbingly vivid imagination bordering on schizophrenia and he’s looking ahead to events as Germany and Spain sort out who gets the remaining place in the much coveted World Cup Almost A Final and who moves to the much despised 1st/2nd placed playoff.
LONGWINDED BUILD UP: There has been a lot of speculation about Fernando Torres in the build up to this match and now that can come to an end. Despite his extremely feminine face, he is man. This is confirmed when someone mentions there's an episode of Glee starting soon and he grunts with indifference.
1 mins: The game kicks off and the big news from the Spain camp is that Fernando Torres will play no part in the game. I mean he's on the field, he's just not going to do a whole lot. With Tomas Mueller suspended, Stefan Kiessling is selected to provide the terrible hairstyle on the right wing for Germany.
3 mins: Kiessling makes a dream start to the game as he's mistaken for Simon Le Bon.
7 mins: Much has been made of Torres's failure to find form so far at this World Cup. He tries to silence the doubters with a lovely worm crusher that goes just wide. If you're looking things to silence Fernando, may I suggest vuvuzelas, Andy Townsend and Girls Aloud in that order.
15 mins: A great chance for Podolski goes to waste. Ozil makes a lovely runs down the left flank and tees Podolski with a wonderfully laid on €œYour dog has no nose? How does he smell?€. Podolski fluffs the chance by blurting out €œem, I've never really thought about it.€ Good link up play from Germany, but just lacking the finish.
23 mins: David Villa is so annoyed at a missed opportunity he's punched himself in the face. The referee isn't sure what to do so he books Joachim Low for wasting time on his outfit.
25 mins: Schweinsteiger looks set to retaliate for the agricultural tackle on him by Sergio Ramos but a stern glare from German chancellor Angela Merkel in the crowd and he decides to just take the free kick instead.
26 mins: GOAL! 1-0 to Germany. The long-ball drops to Miroslav Klose on the Spanish line and he smashes it in to the net. Despite being only a matter of inches from the line and being the only player in the six yard box, the ball still manages to take three deflections, hit the post and rebound off Casillas' backside before going over.
33 mins: Looking like Milan Baros doesn't stop Sami Khedira from getting back in to his own half to defend €¦ or putting in a tackle €¦ or passing to one of his team-mates €¦. or [why not add your own suggestion in the comments section]
39 mins: After hearing that someone is beating a cow with a stick in the carpark, Sergio Ramos feigns injury and nips outside to have a look.
HALF TIME: It's not been the classic we were expecting so far. In fact it's been tedious, predictable and basically pointless up to this point €“ but that's enough about the punditry. Boom, boom! Let's hope that the second half is better or failing that, let's hope this cup of tea I'm drinking has unexpected hallucinogenic properties that last precisely 45 minutes plus stoppage time.
46 mins: Still covered in bovine blood, Ramos emerges for the second-half. A reporter in the tunnel asks him if it is part of his Spanish heritage but he says no, he just really hates cows. Something about having too many nipples.
51 mins: The game is stopped and the referee makes his way over to the Spanish technical area. I don't know why, all the coaching staff seem to have been sitting peacefully on bench €¦ and GORDON H CHRIST! €¦ he sends Vicente Bel Bosque to the shops. It alll transpired after Joachim Loew told the 4th official that Del Bosque and his assistant aren't wearing matching dapper shirt and jumper combos. That's an offence punishable by an immediate late night shopping spree.
60 mins: Despite what a German colleague told me earler today, I don't think Mertesacker does mean Iron Testicles in German as the lanky defender takes that free-kick in his gentleman's quarters. Whatever about the Jubilani ball rising, it'll be a while before they come down again.
68 mins: Fans behind the Spanish dug-out are asking Pepe Reina if he'll show them some of his killer fight moves from Transporter:2. He tries to explain that he's not Jason Statham but they don't seem to believe him, so he drop kicks one and Chuck Norris-style round-house kicks the other three.
77 mins: PENALTY TO SPAIN! GOAL €“ but not really. High drama here as Spain are awarded a penalty after a German defender viciously cuts David Villa down by telling him spikes are €œso 2006€. Villa recovers to take the penalty and slide it coolly into the bottom right hand corner of the goal, but there are suspicions the Spanish may have broken the line early as it deflects off Carles Puyol who is standing on the line. The ref orders a retake and curry for after the match.
78 mins: TAKE TWO. SAVE! Villa goes for the same corner, but Manuel Neuer gets down well to save it. The rebound falls to the on-rushing Spanish players, but Neuer whips out a flame-thrower and torches Fernando Torres before he can get to the tap-in. Under FIFA guidelines, anything that happens in the aftermath of a saved penalty is fair game, so the referee waves play on. Torres is now just a pile of ash, but ironically a strong gust of wind means he has now covered more ground than he has for the rest of the tournament.
81 mins: Hungarian referee Viktor Kassai has collapsed in a heap in a move that can only be described as Tom Daley-esque. This looks serious. What is it? A stroke? Torn ligaments? Cardiac difficulties? It’s … CRAMP!!??. Cramp? I know he hasn’t had the best of games, but there’s no need to make excuses like this – who does he think he is – Andy Murray?
82 mins: He’ll have to stretch it out! Chirps of “I told you bloody foreigners shouldn’t be refereeing at this level” is heard simultaneously from every English speaking commentary box and a seat in row Z that’s been assigned to a Mr. Ron Manager.
83 mins: It’s ok he’s up €¦. Oh no, wait, he’s down agian. This is like living with a manic depressive. There’s only one thing to do in a situation like this and that’s laugh and phone Graham Poll.
85 mins: Llorente replaces the pile of ash formerly known as Fernando Torres late on as Spain go in search of an equaliser/winner. The lumbering forward makes his way towards the German box.
88 mins: A top hat and a guitar and Carles Puyol could be in Guns €˜n Roses. All he needs now is a self obsessed, talented but inconsistent frontman. Has Ronaldo left South Africa already?
90+3 mins: Llorente finally reaches the German penalty area and there's the full-time whistle.
FULL TIME 1-0 to Germany. You'd think Joachim Loew would be delighted, but he's got a real selection dilemma. Will he go with the trusty sky blue/white shirt combination or is it time to go back to basics with the black jumper? We'll know soon. On the other side, Vicente Del Bosque has some real thinking to do €“ is it time to ditch the 70s moustache.


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