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Holland v Spain – How It’s Gonna Go Down

by Josh Powell | July 8, 2010

It’s the last match of World Cup 2010 and Cartoon Vampire is glad because his supply of nob gags is running so low he was considering a hosepipe ban. Boom boom! He’s supposed to be in Soccer City to take in the World Cup final, but he’s probably sitting at home and using the money for dental work.
Build Up: Mark Van Badass has been accused of thuggish behaviour at the World Cup so far and reports from the Dutch camp suggest he’s sitting at the back of the team bus drinking cans of cider and making the other passengers feel €“ not threatened, but certainly uncomfortable.
1 min: There was drama in the tunnel as a FIFA official informs them the Dutch they will not be allowed onto the pitch wearing their traditional orange jerseys based as it's suspected to be part of a guerrilla marketing stunt orchestrated by the people at They eventually start the game in the traditional Dutch costume of tie-dye t-shirts and friendship bracelets.
2 min: We’re only a few seconds into the game and already we’ve got our first shot. It’s of the cheap variety as Robin van Persie tells Wesley Sneijder he saw his mum in this porno he watched a few years back. He didn’t though.
6 mins: It’s interesting to note that both sides are trying to rewrite history in this final. Aside from winning their first title, Spain are attempting to become the only side in history to lose their first game of the tournament, yet go on to win it. The Netherlands meanwhile, are trying to break the record for most egotistical arseholes in a 23 man squad.
14 mins: A great chance falls the way of Pedro as Johnny Heitenga is mark AWOL. It’s later discovered he is AWOL as he has to attend a memorial service for his father, Frank Sidebottom.
19 mins: Spain are hitting their stride now and string together a lovely set of passes. “Is that a mirror in your knickers because I can see myself there later” is quickly followed up with “is your father a thief because he stole all the stars and put them in your eyes” but the move breaks down when Sergio Ramos gets it wrong by attempting a risky “Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? You don’t. Oh, he weighs probably less than he did 12 months ago because of depleted food-stocks due to overfishing in the North Atlantic.” You’re going home alone tonight my boy.
22 mins: A Dutch porn star is promising all her twitter followers what Hugh Grant would call ‘a lewd act’ if Holland win the World Cup. Don’t get your little Rijkaards out just yet €“ they’re an 11/4 shot to win the match, which interesting enough is the same price as you avoiding Chlamydia after visiting one of Amsterdam's gentlemen’s clubs.
26 mins: Testing out the theory that Maatern Stekelenburg in the Dutch goal is a bit suspect, the Spanish players start probing his backstory. They start by asking €˜where did you live prior to 2002?’, ‘have you ever been to Russia?’ and ‘why are you so interested in our biggest natural resource – dive bars in the Costa Del Sol?’
31 mins: There some great work from Xavi and Iniesta as they discover that a man by the name of Marat Stekeleneshov briefly rented an apartment in Den Haag at the turn of the century before apparently ‘vanishing’.
35 mins: Oh dear! Things are getting nasty as Mark Van Badass has donned at hoodie and is sitting on a wall outside the shops harassing grannies. The referee initially reaches for an ASBO but waves play on.
39 mins: The Netherlands have been accused of being dull and uninteresting at this World Cup and but a rip-roaring exchange between Dirk Kuyt and Khalid Boulahrouz about the best ways of restoring Rotterdam to the position it had during the 1960s as the busiest port in the world lifts the tempo.
40 mins: A crunching challenge from Xabi Alonso brings it to an end as he points out that in terms of freight handling capacity, Bilbao is going to be where it's at.
HALF TIME: It’s scoreless at half time and this is in danger of being the worst World Cup final not featuring Roberto Baggio’s crap ponytail. It’s back to the studio for fifteen odd minutes of xenophobia and mispronouncing the players’ names.
From twitter @verypointlessfad: “Although unconventional, the innovation of using Rock, Paper Scissors to decide last night's 3rd/4th Waste of Time was far better than seeing another 90 mins of #uru”
46 mins: The second half kicks off and straightaway the Dutch take the initiative. Dirk Kuyt earns a corner for no other reason than he does a lot of running. Maybe he’s finally getting the credit he deserves.
47 mins: GOAL! 1-0 to Holland. The corner was wildly overhit, but Kuyt picks up the loose ball, takes three Spanish defenders out of the game by pointing out the benefits of legalising prostitution. Then with unbelievable skill, jinks his way the past seven Spanish opponents before tempting Iker Casillas out of his goal with a tasty paella. He slips the ball to an unmarked Robin Van Persie who taps the ball in to an unguarded goal from about four inches out. He doesn't get enough credit, but Van Persie was simply excellent there. The way he let the football accidentally hit off his foot and creep over the line was pure genius. Gillian Taylforth provided the assist.
Dirk Kuyt
55 mins: Oh no! Now Van Badass has spraypainted the words ‘Fernando gives €˜ed 4 a fiver’ on one of the advertising hoardings. A fiver you say? So THAT’S how he's stayed in the team for so long!!
57 mins: From twitter: @fourweddingsandaconviction €˜I don't want to split hairs, but although a fiver is normally great value for such a €˜lewd act', it's going to seem really uncompetitive if this score stays the same.'
58 mins: @fourweddingsandaconviction €˜PS what was the name of that pornstar’s twitter page again?'
63 mins: Right. I’m just going to say it €“ this Spanish football is very pretty and all, but it can be really boring at times. Kind of like a date with Kelly Brook.
67 mins: He's not on the pitch €“ I think €“ but there's delight for Ryan Babel with the news that Liverpool have accepted a transfer bid for him from the Wu Tang Clan.
72 mins: GOAL! 1-1. Spain equalise and it's thanks largely to Fernando Torres. Alonso, Xavi and Iniesta exchange passes before Pedro plays a perfectly weighted through ball to David Villa who finishes with authority. The players rush to thank Torres for staying on the bench and playing absolutely no part in the game.
74 mins: It looks like Spain are happy enough to let this go into extra time. They’ve adopted a more defensive position. They’ve taken out a small table and chairs, playing dominos and seem to be questioning each other's sexuality. Well, we already knew about Pique and Zlatan.
76 mins: Just when you thought this World Cup couldn't get any worse, a streaker has taken to the field. Oh my, how did he lodge that vuvuzela in there at such a rigid angle?
77 mins: I’ve finally got a view of the bearded assailant and you’d never believe it but it's Diego Maradona. He's doing that streak he promised despite not winning. Neked as the day he was born. I know it's a cold night in Johannesburg, but you definitely couldn't describe all those drugs he took down through the years as €˜performance enhancing.' Oh matron.
82 mins: David Silva makes a run down a strangely badly illuminated and deserted left flank, but Mark Van Badass intervenes by jumping out at him from behind a dumpster with a knife and mugging him for his i-Phone. Howard Webb allows play to continue, because it you are going to flaunt, you're asking for trouble.
At least it's preparation for what lies ahead in Manchester, David.
88 mins: GOAL! 2-1 to Holland. The Oranje are awarded a free kick on the right hand side of the penalty area. Sneijder's cross looks to have missed everyone, but Andre Ooijer gets an ear to it and powers the ball into the back of the Spanish net. The Dutch are showing they've plenty of fighting spirit and for once it's not being used against their team-mates.
90 mins: It’s all hands to the pump for Spain as they desperately search for an equaliser and an full explanation for the sudden downturn in the property market. They’ve got 3 minutes to come up with an answer.
90+2 mins: Finally his uppence has come. After an evening of terrorising players and supporters alike, Mark Van Badass finally gets a yellow card after failing to say ‘please’ when asking Howard Webb to blow up for full time.
FULL TIME: AND HOLLAND HAVE DONE IT!! It’s not the best Dutch team in history, but it's certainly the most successful €“ stick that in your Chupa Chup and smoke it Johann! It’s also just reward for Bert Van Marwijk’s controversial tactics and the ultimate vindication for his decision to ditch Ernie and give up his regular slot on Sesame Street.
Although providing much of the style in South Africa, Spain haven’t followed up their European title with a World Cup win, but there's consolation for some personal David Villa as he’s awarded the Alexi Lalas Award For Best Goatee at the tournament.


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