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Could’ve Kopped A Bargain

by Rob Dore | March 4, 2011

Apparently Liverpool could have had Andy Carroll for just £1million if they’d bought him at the start of last season. When he’d scored just four league goals and had yet to prove that he was capable of scoring regularly at a high level. They also could have bagged themselves an even better bargain if only they’d been hanging around the Hospital Italiano Garibaldi maternity ward on June 24th 1987 and convinced Mrs Messi to sign the little fecker who’d been playing keepy-uppies with her internal organs for the previous nine months to a lifetime professional contract. AND they could have avoided the money troubles of recent seasons if only they’d had the foresight back in the early 70s to mail an unsolicited cheque to the dormitory of Harvard University, care of B Gates. That being said £35 million was still a bit steep for a player who has played only half a season at the top level and Carroll is going to have to make a big impact to justify that outlay. At home to United on his debut would be a nice start.

Whilst they wonder how they can turn back time and take advantage of all the bargain deals hindsight offers, at Old Trafford the ability to distort the time-space continuum already exists. On any given day 2+2 may =4 but depending on the whims of Sir Alex, 2+2 can equal 3 or 7 or 99. We’ve long known of his ability to expand time by frantically tapping his watch and giving the 4th official a menacing stare, but now he has the ability to change the very fabric of reality itself. One week an elbow to the face is a meaningless coming together, the next a seemingly less dangerous trip is actually a crime for which there is no punishment harsh enough to punish. It’s all very weird and we can’t even pretend to understand how it all works. Does anyone have Steven Hawking’s number?

Finally, Nemanja Vidic nearly ruined our money-back special offer by getting himself suspended but thankfully we still have Wayne Rooney and Steven Gerrard to steam around, recklessly throwing themselves in to challenges. On a less random and more betting related note, Liverpool are decent value at 15/8, especially when you consider that United have won just four away games all season and they’re struggling for options in the middle of defence. United aren’t top of the table for nothing mind and with their attacking options and the ability of Liverpool’s defence to spend 90 minutes going “Aw, was that my man?…I thought you had him…are we still doing the zonal thing?”, this has the potential to be an open and exciting game. Not £35million worth of potential though.


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