It’s the big evil billionaires of Man City versus the plucky little millionaires of Stoke in the FA Cup and we’ve got Cartoon Vampire doing text live from somewhere inside his head.
There’s some shock in the build-up as the Man City owners announce that regardless of the result this afternoon, Roberto Mancini will get the sack for his failure to mount a serious title challenge, get City into the final of the Eurovision and make £27 million for Edin Dzeko look like value for money.
Man City: Roberto Mancini has taken a couple of major risks for the big occasion. He’s gone with an earth tone for his match-day suit despite the fact we’re now in early summer and has handed a shock starting role for the man with the most experience of playing at Wembley in the history of Man City – Noel Gallagher.
Stoke: Doing little to dispel the myth of Stoke being overly reliant of the physical aspect of the game, Tony Pulis has named a back four of Dolph Lundgren, Andre The Giant, Chuck Norris and four time winner of World’s Strongest Man, Magnus Ver Magnusson. There’s a little more creativity further forward as MacGyver has been named in midfield alongside Glenn Whelan and that guy who looks a bit like Jermaine Pennant but couldn’t possibly be Jermaine Pennant because he’s actually playing well starts out on the wing.
1 min: Already there’s high drama here at Wembley. Despite being named in the starting eleven, Mario Balotelli has been ruled out late on by a tricky training bib. He’ll need surgery to have it removed.
9 mins: Joe Hart is called into action after a long range effort from Glenn Whelan. In truth it was straight at him and at a comfortable height for a catch, but he holds on to it without throwing it into his own net, instantly making him England’s greatest goalkeeper since Gordon Banks.
17 mins: Magnus Ver Magnusson is caught out of position doing the Atlas Stones challenge allowing Adam Johnson to run unopposed into the penalty area. He squares for Yaya Toure, but his shot is blocked by Ver Magnusson’s Pillars of Hercules.
26 mins: Edin Dezko stings the palms of Asmir Begovic with one of those handshake buzzers you get in a joke shop. Well, it was hardly going to be a shot, now was it?
31 mins: TV camera pans to Kolo Toure in the crowd and the “injured” City defender looks to be sporting a pair of moobs. Either he’s been hitting Macky Ds a lot or his very suspect story about taking his wife’s pills is actually true.
36 mins: What a cracking goal after some mesmerising build-up play!! Sorry, was watching the highlights from last weekend. Still 0-0 here.
42 mins: Rory Delap launches one of his missiles into the City area. The UN Security Council convene an emergency meeting to discuss taking action against this blatant act of hostility. We should have a decision by August.
HALF TIME: There’s been lots of huff and puff here, but that’s mainly because I’ve spotted Pippa Middleton in the Royal Box. The game has had moments of inspiration, but generally disappointed – a lot like Robinho’s time at City.
46 mins: The second half kicks off and City haven’t taken hold of the game in the way many people were expecting. How long before Roberto Mancini considers a bold move like letting one of his midfielders cross the half-way line?
53 mins: City get all the attention because of the impressive amount of talent they’ve been able to assemble, but don’t forget that Stoke carry an attacking threat all of their own. This time it’s a banner that says ‘Give us the f*cking ball back or we’ll kneecap ya.’
62 mins: Rory Delap looks to have injured his right elbow after that fall. It looks pretty serious too. He’s insisting he can carry on but the curtain’s out and here comes the vet. Never nice to see but it’s the most humane way really.
70 mins: That looked a clean challenge from Milner but Lundgren’s theatrics have convinced the ref to award a free-kick. That was some mighty fine acting from the big Swede … no wait, it’s actually Robert Huth. That makes more sense. A career in cheesy action movies awaits.
78 mins: Growing frustrated, Roberto Mancini is protesting vociferously with the 4th official about Tony Pulis’ insistence on wearing his tatty baseball cap with his Armani Cup final suit.
81 mins: OH MY GOD – WHAT A BEAUTY! It’s not a goal, Pippa’s decided she’s seen enough and makes her way home, turning around to reveal a peachy bum that’s clearly benefited from doing Aerobics Oz Style.
86 mins: Depressed with the standard of football on show, the 4th official takes the innovative step of signalling -3 minutes of added time.
87 mins: GOAL! 1-0 STOKE It’s been a long time coming, but Chuck Norris decides he’s had enough of this crap. Picking up the ball in defence, he beats up a group of ninjas, placates a gang of disgruntled Hells Angels and hands out a dose of vigilante justice to an unsavoury loan-shark before blasting a shot past Joe Hart from 35 yards and solving world hunger.
FULL TIME: The final whistle blows and Stoke will be taking the FA Cup back to the Britannia trophy cabinet! They’ll probably need to stop in IKEA and pick up a trophy cabinet. City fall at the final hurdle and the board waste no time in appointing David O’Leary as next lamb to the slaughter.
– FA Cup Final Betting