Oh – it’s so exciting isn’t it? It’s soooooooo not just needless sensationalism from Sky Sports News because they don’t have anything else to talk about or employ journalists to do anything other than fluff Premier League managers. We’re buying into the hype with our Live Transfer Deadline Day Blog, but because it’s actually a bit dull and only a small fraction of the rumours actually come to pass, we’ll be entertaining ourselves by making some up.
Feel free to join us in our combination of fact and fantasy by sticking your rumours in the comments section or give me a shout on twitter at @AidanWaffles_PP
7.20pm: Having signed two defenders, Arsene Wenger now goes about restoring the balance in his squad by bringing in ever more tricky wingers. Arsenal are supposedly now in talks to take Yossi Benayoun on loan.
6.40pm: According to the ever reliable editable online encyclopedia, musical theatre enthusiast, Royston Drenthe has joined Everton:
5.02pm: Chelsea have been suspiciously quiet so far today. Maybe they’re too busy running with the mob.
4.57pm: Smoggie has been in touch again with a trade-mark off-colour joke:
Huge money paid in the last few seconds for Obi Mikel!! Not for the transfer of the Chelsea holding midfielder, but actually the kidnap randsom for his father.
4.55pm: Just because I’ve been told to promote them by the boss, here’s some Transfer Deadline Day Specials.
4.50pm: Another player supposedly moving close to a Liverpool return – albeit one that’s far less likely to attack a team-mate with a golf club – is Yossi Benayoun. Reports from Israel suggest a deal is close whilst reports from Benayoun suggest it’s not.
4.46pm: SENSATIONAL NEWS! Luis Figo looks to have joined an all-male speed-dating service. No wait …. that’s the Just For Men ad again.
4.40pm: ‘SNEIJDER AGENT DENIES MEDICAL CLAIMS’ is the headline to a story which we were hoping was about doctors claiming that Wesley Sneijder is made of cornflakes and his vital organs are actually marshmallows. It’s not however – it’s a story about his agent denying claims his in Manchester getting the MOT before signing for Fergie’s All Stars.
4.32pm: It’s looking more and more likely that Alan Hutton will be maiming Premier League wingers in the colours of Aston Villa this season.
4.24pm: God this is boring. It’s actually making Alan Curbishley seem interesting.
3.51pm: There’s probably some sobbing to be heard around the corridors of Old Trafford too this afternoon. And not because Fergie has just realised he’s lost the receipt for David De Gea. Former Man Utd flop, recent best player at the World Cup and Fergie’s ‘one that got away’, Diego Forlan has completed his move from Atletico Madrid to Inter Milan.
3.45pm: There were tears around Anfield earlier when Christian Poulsen left to join Evian of Ligue 1. “Oh God! Remember that time Roy Hodgson was in charge” were the words accompanying most of the sobbing.
3.07pm: ‘Bellamy has gone from bottom to top’ the Sky Sports News reporter tells us. The kinky rascal – no wonder he hasn’t had the time to negotiate a deal today! Apparently a return to Liverpool is becoming more and more likely and he’s on his way to Anfield after leaving the Wales training camp in Swansea. It’s a big development because it’s not as if Wales couldn’t use some extra training.
3.04pm: Blackburn all but confirm their relegation with the signing of former occasionally decent Everton striker, Yakubu.
2.44pm: Over in France, Andre-Pierre Gignac says he’d like a move to the Premier League. If you don’t already know, he’s a big, burly striker who doesn’t score a lot of goals. And therefore it’s mandatory that Stoke are interested.
2.38pm: We’ve got a huge scoop from Smoggie in our comments section:
Have just heard Sunderland are making a daring bid to secure the services of neighbours Newcastle Utd’s tea lady Joan Simmons and signs are favourable as Mike Ashley very keen to save on another costly wage. Sunderland striker Asamoah Gyan said to be looking forward to working with her and having chocolate bourbons with his mourning cuppa, although he is worried his striker position could be under threat from Joan.
2.35pm: There’s a lull in crap transfer talk and the Sky Sports News presenters have resorted to making a series of rubbish jokes. Hey – that’s our job!
2.24pm: We’ve got a lot of searches on the blog for the ‘very exciting news from Old Trafford’ Sky Sports News mentioned earlier. We’ve got nothing. It could just be Wayne Rooney was delighted they were serving trifle in the canteen.
2.19pm: Scott Parker is heading for Spurs and all of their problems vanish in an instant .
2.18pm: Bendtner is now NOT going to Stoke. That’s why Transfer Deadline Day is so pointless.
2.11pm: Oh Christ! Stoke is rapidly in danger of becoming a black hole in our lovely galaxy with the news Cameron Jerome and Nicklas Bendtner could both be joining the club.
2.10pm: There are few signs of a coherent transfer policy at Aston Villa. After missing out on Joe Cole earlier in the day, they’ve turned their attentions to not very similar alternative, Jermaine Jenas.
1.58pm: Tony Pulis’s bid to collect the largest collection of footballing anti-matter in the universe continues apace with rumoured interest in Wilson Palacios. Peter Crouch is somehow important to this deal.
1.25pm: Everton are about to sign some guy .. can’t read his name … the scrolling bar moving too fast … Why couldn’t they just sign Scott Dann?
Denis Stracqualursi – that’s his name. He’s 6 ft 3, Argentine and unlikely to be the face of too many fashion campaigns.
12.50pm: CONFIRMED Joe Cole is on his way to Lille via the Euro Tunnel according to Sky Sports News. It’s 90 minute journey; let’s hope he doesn’t get injured on the way. Or they understand. What quite that means is beyond even us. Transfer Deadline Day was created to boost revenue from advertisements, we understand.
12.35pm: David Craig tells the world that “everyone is watching Sky Sports news” because he received an email from a Dutch football agent pimping out one of his clients. Sound logic.
12.30pm: Peter Crouch is Sunderland’s number one target. Abby ‘what’s her face ‘will put the skids on that move. Shite shopping oop north.
12.25pm: Speaking of Harry Redknapp…. I know other ‘businessmen’ that try to sell things out of a Land Rover with the window down. In North London too.
12.20pm: The absence of Craig Slater on Sky Sports News means there’s bugger all going on outside the Emirates and news has just filtered through that Gary Cahill is on his way White Hart Lane. Harry just trying to get up Arsene Wenger’s nose?
12.05pm: We’re receiving reports of an unexpected arrival at Goodison Park …
It’s next month’s supply of bog roll for the toilets. Normally it doesn’t come until the first Monday of the month.
Ha ha … Everton have no money.
11.58am: I thought things were going a bit quiet on TDD, but it turns out my TV picture was set to the wrong size and the scrolling yellow ticker was cut off at the bottom. My bad. Joe Cole still talking to Aston Villa. That must be one hell of a conversation.
11.49am: 5 words and one abbreviation to delight to editors of tabloid newspapers all over the world: Craig Bellamy, QPR and London nightclubs.
11.36am: Stoke are trying to add some variety to their attacking ranks by signing a player who can’t head the ball. They’re after Peter Crouch for a fee rumoured to be in the region of ‘never going to pay off’.
11.25am: Joe Cole could be taking his lethargic luxury style of play to Aston Villa. He’s reportedly in talks about a deal that will briefly excite Villa fans before being followed up the several months of saying “Give him time. He could still come good.”
11.22am: Sky Sports News are promising us some ‘very exciting news’ coming from Old Trafford. Unless they’ve successfully cloned a hybrid of Nemanja Vidic and Godzilla to create a new generation of Superdefender, they’ve oversold it.
11.16am: Scotland to England yo-yo, Shaun Maloney looks to be yo-yoing his way to Wigan after Roberto Martinez makes a bid of £1.5 million for the player.
11.13am: Bolton look set to bolster their cumbersome wasteful striker ranks with the acquisition of David N’Gog from Liverpool.
11.06am: Liverpool have confirmed the signing of Uruguayan defender, Sebastian Coates, sparking a ferocious debate on pronunciation in the Paddy Power Hacks Department the like of which we haven’t seen since the emergence of Wojciech Szes … Wjojciech Sezsne … Wokiech Chesney … that Arsenal goalie.
11am: It’s great news for Tottenham fans as Harry Redknapp has announced that stylish, but flaky and inconsistent midfielder, Luka Modric will not now be leaving the club for a vastly inflated price that isn’t actually a true reflection of his worth. Another fine example of Arry’s acumen in the transfer market there.
10.45am: Having signed up former United midfielder Owen Hargreaves, Man City make a £60 million bid for Bobby Charlton. “What? He’s one of the all-time greats, just look at his record. Of course we’re not just being dicks,” insisted Mancini.