To be honest, this week’s bunch of X Factor stats aren’t going to win you any money, but neither are the others so it’s pretty much business as usual. It may however save you some money, especially if you’re the kind of deluded person who has an illness that makes you think Louis Walsh is some sort of musical Midas and everything he’s associated turns to wedges of cash. Or a Westlife fan as you’re more commonly known.
I’ve called this week’s post X Factor Stats Part 4, but equally it could be called Bashing Louis Walsh With Added Numbers. Louis has been getting a lot of stick this week. Admittedly the previous sentence is only one small typo away from sounding like his idea of heaven, but instead it’s been a battle to save his seat on the X Factor panel according to a not at all horrendously inflated non-story designed to keep the show in the newspapers all week. The recently turfed out Sami Brooks was the first to have a go, blaming her former mentor for her failure. Personally we’d blame her cruise ship crooner voice and eerie similarity to Peter Kay in a wig, but she declared Louis ‘is too old fashioned’. What’s old fashioned about performing a Dolly Parton song and a Cher song in back to back weeks? That’s the height of modern music. If you stopped paying attention to popular culture in the 80s.
According to reports made up by tabloid journalists sitting at their desks making up stories, the Unseen Puppet Master From Above, aka Simon Cowell is considering axing Louis from the show for being too boring/too out of touch/too suspiciously unwrinkled for an Irishman closing in on his 60s. Louis has been the only ever-present judge on the X Factor since it first hit our Saturday nights and if anything, rather than accumulating knowledge and understanding of what the people want and using it to pick acts with a chance of winner, he’s actually got worse. He picked that mad, tone-deaf Chinese woman for this season for God’s sake! JLS in 2008 was the last time he genuinely had someone go close to winning it (sorry Tesco’s finest, Mary Byrne). Here’s a look at his record over the course of the show’s history.
There’s Shayne Ward with no t-shirt on representing the few acts Louis has successfully guided to glory and the latter stages; Mary Byrne is doing it for the acts who were clearly quite talented, but not good enough to win it and Kandy Rain opening someone’s shop are a visual aid to the many acts Louis has steered to elimination before we even get to know their names and slag them off properly. The categories aren’t flawless because although they somehow managed to hang around until the middle part of the series, the likes of Wagner and Jedward were clearly beneficiaries of some futile protest that aimed to undermine the Cowell Empire by making it even richer one text message at a time. If anything, their hanging around somewhat improves Louis’s record, somehow dodging a metaphorical bullet in the early weeks and making it look like they were amongst the better acts left towards the middle to end of the competition.
The rather worrying stat that seems to be proving correct in the latest series is if you’re a Louis act, you’re more likely to be heading back to your crappy day job before week 4 than you are to be surviving until the last few weeks of the show. The Downtown Manhattan-esque appearance of the right-hand of the chart paints a bleak picture for Louis, particularly in comparison to the Downtown Kiltimagh-esque appearance of the left-had side of the graph. Of the 24 acts he’s mentored on the show up to this series, 54% of them have been kicked off the show in Week 4 or earlier. Only 17% of his acts have made it to Week 9 and the Final and although the quality within some of the categories has clearly been lacking, it does point towards Louis also not really knowing what he’s doing of late, particularly when you think that two of his biggest successes, Shayne and G4, came in the first two series of the show.
This time around there’s about as much chance of Louis winning as there is of Tulisa and Kelly becoming gal-pals and cosying up for a night of Jennifer Aniston rom-coms and talking about boys. With Sami gone and Kitty likely to be eliminated in the next couple of weeks after proving to have all the popular appeal of a big city banker who likes a whinge, that leaves Johnny as the only act batting for Louis. Although there’s nothing wrong with going after the pink pound, one of our favourite ill-advised stereotypes about the gay community is that they’re actually rather discerning and conscious of quality. Your preference as to where you like to stick your body parts has minimal bearing on who they’ll vote for in the longer term. Sooner or later they’re going to want something more than Kylie songs and admittedly tuneful high-pitched camp. Likeable as he is, Johnny won’t be able to provide it.
Maybe Louis is a genius as this is all part of his master plan. Winning the X Factor doesn’t always leads to success – bafflingly, Jedward are almost certainly raking in more money now than any of the previous winners of the show. Maybe Louis’s fee remains the same regardless or whether he wins it or not, so having no acts by Week 4 means more time to himself. If this is to be his last series, the only way he’ll be going out on a high is if Whitney Houston returns to the show and brings enough for everyone.
Who is looking like a potential winner?
Should Louis be be kicked off the panel?
Have your say in the comments section below.