It’s a big weekend of top flight action, but before the mind games and name-calling of Monday night, there’s an important day of football today. With European places and Championship places up for grabs, there’ll be plenty of drama and if there isn’t drama, I’ll make it sound more exciting than it really is.
There’s no trophies being handed out, but there will be plenty of needless insults.
Stoke 1 – 1 Arsenal
Wigan 4 – 0 Newcastle
West Brom 0 – 0 Aston Villa
Everton 4 – 0 Fulham
Sunderland 2 – 2 Bolton
Swansea 4 – 4 Wolves (WTF?)
5.50pm: Wow! What an incredible day of results. That’s about all from me. I’d love to bring you live commentary on Liverpool’s defeat to Norwich, but you’ll have to do that yourself.
4.51pm: The full times start to roll in.
West Brom 0 – 0 Aston Villa Villa edge towards safety thanks to some poor finishing and even worse refereeing.
Stoke 1-1 Arsenal Stoke edge towards their holidays and Arsenal should be ok for Champions League football next season.
Sunderland 2-2 Bolton Bolton still in the relegation zone.
Swansea 4-4 Wolves An amazing game of no conseqeunce.
Wigan 4-0 Newcastle Wow.
Everton 4-0 Fulham Everton record a convincing win whilst Fulham look like they’re already at the airport duty free.
4.49pm: Shay Given with a fantastic save! It didn’t cross the line, but there wasn’t much in it. Still scoreless. Somehow.
4.48pm: Szczesny gets a bit ‘Alumnia’ from a cross, but Arsenal clear.
4.45pm: Villa miss a great chance and Emile Heksey was in the middle of it. He didn’t do the missing you’ll be surprised to hear. Olson blocks a shot from Clark.
4.41pm: Spurs fans will be cheering on Wigan with glee and not just because their own team have got a bit crap. Thanks to the Latics’ thumping of Newcastle, a win over Blackburn tomorrow will see Tottenham move into 4th on goal difference.
4.35pm: Arsene Wenger seems to be happy to settle for a point and brings on Chamakh.
4.31pm: I’m sure why I keep calling Matt Jarvis, ‘Matthew’. I sound like his mum giving out to him for not tidying his room. Anyway, Arsenal have a penalty appeal turned away. Probably rightly.
Kevin Davies scores his second for Bolton to make it 2-2 at the Stadium of Light. Meanwhile, incredibly, Wolves have made it 4-4 at the Liberty Stadium through Matthew Jarvis. If only they managed this level of fight 4 months ago.
4.25pm: Villa ride their luck again. Alan Hutton clears the ball off the line after a shot from about 10 yards out from someone in a Baggies shirt. (Sorry – didn’t catch who it was)
4.24pm: Alex Song booked for Arsenal. ‘Outrageous hair’ is the offence.
4.21pm: West Brom and Arsenal look to be taking charge of their respective games, but at the moment they’re still only on course for a point and some post-match grumbling about bad luck.
4.19pm: GOAL! EVERTON 4-0. Cahill gets in on the Goodison goalscoring jamboree.
4.18pm: Heskey finds the target! Sadly that target is the ankle of a West Brom player and he gets booked.
Sunderland go 2-1 up at home to Bolton thanks to a goal from McClean.
Swansea 4-3 Wolves. Edwards with the goal for Wolves. Today’s most pointless game is at least the most plentiful in terms of goals.
4.11pm: Alan Hutton is getting booed every time he touches the ball. And I mean touches with his feet. He’s not handling the ball every time he gets it.
4.07pm: Van Persie with a great chance for Arsenal. He gets his header away, but Begovic dives to hive right and snaffles it. (Snaffles is the technical term)
4.05pm: West Brom have made a great start to the second half and they’re denied a blatant penalty. Alan Hutton plays volleyball for a split second and Mark Clattenburg is too busy fixing his mohawk to notice. Terrible refereeing. Again.
4.02pm: Right, the second half begins, which will surprise a lot of you as I just realised I didn’t announce that the first half ended. I blame Wigan’s goal and therefore Newcastle’s defending.
3.47pm: GOAL!! For once Phil Thompson’s ridiculous over the top reactions are warranted. 4-0 to WIGAN against Champions League chasing Newcastle. Amazing. Di Santo with what sounds like a belter.
3.43pm: Emile Heskey puts a header over the bar. It’s a good thing on this occasion as he was defending.
3.40pm: GOAL! 3-0 TO EVERTON. Jelavic is looking like the best investment since that nerd invented Facebook. That’s two so far today.
SUNDERLAND 1-1 BOLTON. Bendtner with the goal.
WIGAN 3-0 NEWCASTLE. The Magpies falling apart. Shaun Maloney adds a third for the in-form relegation battlers.
3.34pm: GOAL! Wolves. 4-2 to Swansea This is ridiculous. Matthew Jarvis with the goal that I didn’t see so can’t describe.
3.33pm: A save from Foster. Agbonlahor is denied, but he did rather hit it straight at the keeper.
3.31pm: GOAL! Swansea get another and it’s 4-1. I can’t understand what Charlie Nicholas is saying, but Danny Graham is the scorer.
3.29pm: GOAL to Wolves! They’re only losing 3-1 now. Fletcher with the goal, but they’re still relegated and a bit crap.
3.26pm: GOAL! 1-0 Bolton at the Stadium of Light. Kevin Davies with the goal and an elbow to the cheek of Aston Villa’s hope of staying out of trouble.
3.24pm: Ben Foster makes a good save to stop a Chris Herd shot. Ignore Kammy, it wasn’t that good.
3.20pm: Arsenal having the better of things at Stoke and should be in the lead. Somehow, Gervinho doesn’t manage to get that forehead on a good cross. Still 1-1.
3.17pm: MORE GOALS! It’s hard to keep up.
Wigan go 2-0 up against Newcastle thanks to Victor Moses.
Everton go 2-0 up thanks to Marouane Fellaini and some interesting defending from Fulham.
1-0 to Wigan. Moses. That’s all the info I’ve got.
1-1 STOKE v ARSENAL. Robin van Persie with goal no. 700 for the season.
3-0 SWANSEA. Dyer with a header apparently. Wolves going down with all the dignity of a The Only Way Is Essex cast member on a night out.
3.13pm: An effort from Aaron Ramsey fizzes just wide and ailing celebrities everywhere breath a sigh of relief. Stoke 1-0 Arsenal 0
3.11pm: Despite the scoreline, Arsenal aren’t playing too badly. Despite the scoreline, Tony Pulis remains about as popular as a member of the Murdoch family.
3.09pm: GOAL! 1-0 STOKE Peter Crouch with something you don’t see very often from Peter Crouch – a good header. Sadly, Arsenal not defending very well is something we see a lot.
3.08pm: Some comedy defending from Villa nearly hands the Baggies a goal. Given saves Odemwingie’s backheeled effort.
3.07pm: GOAL! 1-0 EVERTON The shouty man on Soccer Saturday tells us it’s the super-mega-in-form Jelavic from the penalty spot.
3.06pm: Yossi Benayoun misses a great chance for Arsenal. Begovic makes a decent save, but it was a poor attempt at a finish.
3.05pm: GOAL! 2-0 to Swansea Joe Allen and I have as much information as the first goal.
3.03pm: GOAL! 1-0 Swansea Orlandi scores for the Swans. I’m not actually watching it so you’ll have to use your imagination to make up what it looked like.
3.02pm: It’s been a bright start from West Brom. It’s not been bad for Aston Villa either as Emile Heskey has yet to touch the ball.
3pm: Let the needless abusing of referees begin. Today’s six 3pm kick-offs are underway.
2.56pm: Speaking of comebacks from injury, there’s good news for Villa as Richard Dunne returns and will be throwing himself around with little thought for his own personal safety at the Hawthorns.
2.54pm: Sunderland goalkeeper and suspected impossible reincarnation of Darren ‘Sick Note’ Anderton, Craig Gordon starts against Bolton. He last started a match in February of last year. That’s so long ago, Anfield was a place of widespread optimism at the time.
2.45pm: That was harsh. With finishing like this, I’m sure the Villains have nothing to fear:
2.40pm: Aston Villa are sinking towards the drop zone and Alex McLeish’s answer is to name Emile Heskey up front. I wouldn’t take safety as guaranteed. They’ve got a tough task today as they visit their less annoying neighbours of West Brom.
2.35pm: Stewart Downing is on Sky Sports News. ‘When you’re at Liverpool you expect to win every game, home or away,’ he says. True, but that feeling of expectation does tend to fall when he’s in the team.