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TomKat’s number is finally up… that’s a scientological fact

by Rob Dore | July 2, 2012

WHERE’S DAWSON WHEN YOU NEED HIM? Katie Holmes looks longingly at a possible escape route

By Rob Dore

The not very surprising news that Katie Holmes has escaped filed for divorce from Tom Cruise broke over the weekend. What we here on the Paddy Power Blog find odd, besides the Scientology stuff, is that this is the third of Tom’s marriages to break down, all of which have ended when his bethrothed was 33. Coincidence? Probably. Rife for crazy speculation about his sexuality? Not this time. How about a crazy conspiracy theory to do with Scientology? Bingo!

Is three some kind of magic number in Scientology which instils the practitioner with eternal youth? Has he been slowly absorbing Katie’s life force over the last six years? She certainly looks older than she did when they first hooked up. At least six years older. Oddly though, Tom doesn’t.

We all knew the relationship was doomed as soon as we saw Tom jumping up and down on Oprah Winfrey’s sofa on live television back in 2009. Fake and desperate doesn’t quite cover it but intense and creepy comes a little closer.

Rumour has it that the couple have been living separate lives in the same apartment for the last two years. There is no evidence that Tom has been living in their closet though. Even if it would be appropriate as he’s small and wouldn’t need much space.

You can’t keep a rich man down

The tabloids suggest that the final straw for Katie was Tom’s plan to send their daughter Suri to a Scientology religious camp. There she could learn all about the space operas, past life implants and lots of other nonsense which Katie may not have been so sure about.

Holmes certainly struggled with her husband’s religious beliefs throughout their marriage, even insisting on sending their daughter to a Roman Catholic kindergarten in 2009. Now she’ll no longer be forced to submit to the bizarre teachings of Hubbard and she can get back to eating the body and drinking the blood of hippy who lived 2000 years ago.

You can’t keep a good/rich and powerful man down though and whilst Katie’s career is liable to dwindle away to the odd TV movie and an Ashton Kucher rom-com, Tom will continue to get the big Hollywood rolls for which he’ll be paid the big bucks. He’s not likely to stay single too long either but will he marry again? And if he does, how long will he leave it before his next cringe-worthy display of fake emotion is broadcast on live television?

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