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Sir Alex Ferguson controls your mind

by Rob Dore | September 24, 2012

By Rob Dore

Not for the first time the integrity of the Premier League has been undermined by the Jedi-like mind control skills of Alex Ferguson. The Manchester United boss has become renowned for his ability to get inside the heads of officials.

Jonjo Shelvey’s extra-bald bonce may allow him to pick up on these telepathic communications, which is why he was so irritated by Ferguson.

To the cataract-free amongs us there is no debate over whether Antonio Valencia took a tumble to win the penalty. Of course he did, the Bambi-splayed legs is a sure giveaway, and yet the officials awarded it as though it was as clear-cut as say, Jonny Evans’ foul on Luis Suarez. It’s no mere coincidence that Ferguson bemoaned the lack of penalties his side win at Anfield just before the game.

Ferguson does, occasionally, allow himself to be fined so he doesn’t make it ridiculously obvious but Shelvey now knows what many of us have suspected for some time.

Think back to the Champions League final in 1999 when United scored two goals in injury time. Should there really have been three minutes? We have analysed the footage of that game and, at most, there should have been 87 seconds of time. Pierluigi Collina is a fine referee but his follicle deficiencies made him more susceptible to Ferguson’s mind-molesting.

The Pedro Mendes goal from 2005 (above) which all but rippled the net yet, inexplicably at the time, was not given. The half hour of injury time which allowed Micheal Owen to score a winner against Manchester City in 2009…at Old Trafford of course. This phenomenon has occurred so often over the years that it has earned the moniker “Fergie-time“, which is considerably less fun than Miller time but better tasting.

The examples are many and varied and Ferguson’s power is so strong that he can completely alter every United fan’s outlook on reality. How else do you explain their assertion that Michael Carrick is world class?

This is a danger we cannot ignore any longer. How many people have to go the way of Kevin Keegan before this evil is stopped?

Alex Ferguson is controlling your mind. If you think this is complete nonsense that’s only because Fergie is making you think it. Not because this piece was hastily written. Or is that just what Ferguson wants us to think? This is getting confusing. Oh, did we mention United are now slight favourites for the Premier League? Damn you, Fergie!

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