The Paddy Power Sentence Maker Guys | Rooneywatch
This Wayne Rooney transfer saga looks set to be the long-winded and rather dull football story of the summer. Hooray! Here’s all the latest updates – or at the very least all the latest updates we could be arsed reporting. And even if you don’t give a toss, people are still going to be talking about it, so it’s probably worth keeping up to speed with the latest goings on. Wow – this live-ish blog will come in really handy then. Lucky that.
9.23am: Jose Mourinho is one cool bastard and if you didn’t know that already, he’s ramming it down your throat by playing it mega chilled in the hunt for Wayne Rooney. United rejected Chelsea’s last bid for the striker, but the Special One isn’t in a tizzy or sobbing into his fashionable scarf collection.
In this moment we have what you know… that bid that was public and official, and after that nothing else and we are calm, as we told you. We are calm because we are happy with what we have
he told the media after Chelsea’s 8-1 demolition of the Indonesian so called All Stars, with a coolness that makes cucumbers look decidedly panicky.
7.30am: Manchester United haven’t sold him and say they don’t intend to, Chelsea haven’t had a bid accepted and don’t seem too arsed about meeting United’s supposed valuation and the player hasn’t even begun to negotiate personal terms, but despite all those negative signs regarding the possibility of Wayne Rooney moving to Stamford Bridge, the Daily Star feel confident enough to announce that Wazza will be handed the number 23 jersey when (not if) he makes the move.
The number 23 jersey is a famous one in sport having been worn by such superstars as Micheal Jordan, Jamie Carragher, David Beckham and Grant Leadbitter.
THURSDAY JULY 25:
1.47pm: The people at the Metro have noticed that Wayne Rooney is trying to flog jerseys on the club’s Facebook page. Obviously he’s now staying and this isn’t just the club using a picture of their most recognisble player to sell their latest immensely overpriced piece of cloth.
WEDNESDAY JULY 24:
3.25pm: Realising that her denial that the ‘surprise’ has anything to do with football will only be seen by the group of about four people who happen to follow her and the random follower she responded to, Coleen Rooney has tweeted to confirm:
Haha!!! No sorry "suprise" nothing to do with football!! Just family life!!
— Coleen Rooney (@ColeenRoo) July 24, 2013
So, it’s nothing to do with football. Our money is on the cunnilingus.
2.50pm: The Daily Star are reporting that Wayne will join Chelsea as soon as United complete a deal for Cesc Fabregas. So assuming Cesc Fabregas joins United at the expected time of never, we estimate Rooney will leave for Chelsea about five minutes after never.
We would link to the story, but the above couple of sentences contain the crucial bullshit information.
1.46pm: Coleen Rooney has got e-tongues wagging with a ‘cryptic’ Twitter message that isn’t as cryptic as people are making out. It’s cryptic if you’re not in the Rooney family, but other than that it’s just words that could mean anything – dull or slightly less dull.
Now obviously this ‘lovely surprise’ could be anything – breakfast in bed; a generous session of cunnilingus this morning; not leaving a floater in the bowl after lunch – the options are virtually endless.
Thankfully, Twitter has all but ignored those rather mundane possibilities and unilaterally decided it’s some sort of code for a move to Chelsea. Immediately fans speculated that it might be a Surrey mansion; a Surrey mansion conveniently located near Chelsea’s training ground; a Surrey mansion conveniently located near Chelsea’s training ground which would facilitate a career playing for … Chelsea. Yes, we’re aware you probably got to the end far sooner than it took us – sorry about that. How about a generous session of cunnilingus to make up for it? No? Ok – we tried.
Coleen herself seemed to spike the pointless speculation by replying to one follower to say ‘No, nothing to do with football’ but that hasn’t stopped some sources from pretending it’s a story.
11.35am: Manchester United seem to be under the impression that Wayne Rooney is going nowhere and you’d think they’re exactly the people who know.
They’ve released a poster suggesting that Wazza’s comeback will be on August 6 when United take on AIK in Stockholm as their ‘Shaking their international fans down for some cash World Tour 2013’ heads to Scandinavia. Here’s the poster:
Seemingly thinking that making a poster of this description requires millions of pounds and years of manpower and not – as anyone who has ever used Photoshop will know – one half-arsed designer about four minutes, some people have taken it as unequivocal proof the the move to Chelsea is off. Which it isn’t.
We could be wrong, but we doubt Jose Mourinho is currently sobbing into an A4 print out of the poster about what might have been.
7.15am: If the Chelsea move turns to shit and he ends up losing all his money and he has to offer performing sexual favours in public toilets just to survive and he ends up fighting fellow tramps for a three-quarters eaten Fillet-O-Fish thrown on the ground, then Wayne Rooney might consider joining Arsenal. Some of that’s an exaggeration, but not all of it.
TUESDAY JULY 23:
David Moyes says Wayne Rooney is going nowhere part 73.
After United slipped to a 3-2 defeat to Yokohama F-Marinos earlier today, the United manager once again told the assembled media that Wayne Rooney is not for sale. Again. He didn’t even wear a funny hat or a clown nose to liven up his latest insistence that Rooney is staying at the club.
It looks like the necessary haggling required to get Chelsea to up their offer. Mission accomplished as, at a guess, we estimate it has added in the region of £8 or a tin of fancy biscuits to Rooney’s price tag.
11.08am: From the comfort of a press conference in Indonesia, Jose Mourinho has dialled up the smugness to suggest it’s in Manchester United’s best interests to conclude the Rooney move soon so they can go about signing a replacement. The Special One has nudged David Moyes into taking some action before the transfer window begins to creak shut, somewhat making his point unnecessarily complicated by over-using the word ‘steal’.
Until the last minute, a club can go there and ‘steal’ a player. I don’t mean steal a player, but steal the balance that a manager has when he’s working with a team.
10.25am: Despite the fact that Rooney’s arrival would almost certainly increase his bench-warming time and possibly include a return for him to the West Midlands, Romelu Lukaku says he’d welcome Wazza to Chelsea with open arms.
‘I will welcome him with open arms,’ said the Belgian while on Chelsea’s pre-season piggy-bank enhancing tour of Asia.
‘You know when you are playing for a team like Chelsea, there is going to be competition. It is the manager’s choice. You have to accept that you have to work hard to make it a successful squad.’
10.05am: We’re all Royal Babyed out at this stage, but there is some actual Wayne Rooney news however as it emerged that Wayne Rooney played golf at a mega-exclusive golf course not a million miles away from Chelsea’s training ground in Surrey. Holy shit! Stop the f*cking presses!
Now obviously all this tells us is:
(a) Wayne Rooney likes golf
(b) there’s a ridiculously expensive golf club in Surrey
(c) his hamstring injury isn’t that bad and may actually be entirely fictional
What the rumour mill is suggesting this tells us is:
(a) This is conclusive, indisputable proof that WAYNE ROONEY IS MOVING TO CHELSEA! Come on – he’s in the general area of the Chelsea training ground! While all the senior figures at the club are in Asia! What more proof do you need?!
MONDAY JULY 22:
There wasn’t much development in the Rooney story on Monday unless you count Manchester United making a second bid for Cesc Fabregas and Barcelona making a second reply of ‘PFO’ soon after. We don’t, but some people do so we may as well include it.
It was all about the Royal Baby and god, that didn’t get old by about 9.30am in the morning. They had the baby and at the moment Roman Abramovich isn’t interested in bringing him to Stamford Bridge. Although he has made more suspect transfer decisions.
SUNDAY JULY 21:
2.48pm: The rumour mill on Twitter is in overdrive because The Sunday Times are reporting that the ‘Rooney to Chelsea’ deal is almost done.
Apparently the striker will be pocketing £200k a week and someone in HR just needs to dot the i’s and cross the t’s before the deal can be confirmed.
11.10am: According to The Guardian Wayne Rooney believes that Sir Alex Ferguson still remains a key player at Manchester United and that is a fundamental reason he wants to leave.
A man who spent more than 26 years as manager of a club, winning 38 trophies, is still a key part of the club a few months after he retires?! Whatever next!
9.00am: Hold the front page! The Daily Star have been chatting to Coleen’s ‘close pals’ and according to them, she aint going nowhere. These close pals could be Coleen’s best friends from childhood or they could have once served her in Asda in 2003, but we’ll run with it.
That means if Wayne does decide to head to Chelsea he’s looking at a three-and-a-half hour drive to training every morning from the family gaff. I doubt he’s going to be too worried about petrol money though.
SATURDAY JULY 20:
2.45pm: United hammer some naff Australian ‘All-Star’ team 5-1. Danny Welbeck gets his feet in order long enough to score a brace, Jess Lingard gets a couple and Robin van Persie adds the fifth. In completely unspectacular news Liam Miller plays for an ‘All-Star’ team in an un-ironic way. Awful scenes.
After the game there was no mention of Wazza but Moyes focused on Danny Welbeck instead.
‘I told him in there that he could have scored four or five, but you have to keep getting there to score and did so. I have said to him that if he continues to work as hard for the team as he has been doing he will get his rewards.’
12.14am: Joey Barton has his take on the Rooney saga and taken some time out from playing golf and philosophising to write it in a blog. Whatever you may think about Mr Barton, this piece is well worth a read and you can do so by clicking here.
‘Should he leave for Chelsea, an inform Rooney will walk into the squad and take over as first choice centre forward, especially as Chelsea don’t have that position cemented.
‘My only concern is whether Chelsea would damage Wayne’s career. With heavy financial backing and a vast squad, Chelsea wouldn’t show any morals in dumping Rooney, should he endure a slump in form.’
FRIDAY JULY 19:
2.07pm: New Paris Saint Germain manager, Laurent Blanc says his club may be stupidly rich, but they’re not stupid enough to pay over the odds for Wayne Rooney.
Speaking at a press conference, he told the media “Wayne Rooney is a magnificent player but we’re very well covered in attack” seemingly ruining our chances of getting a brilliant ‘France is like a foreign country’ style comment from Wazza.
9.49am: The Poke’s ‘Potatoes that look like Wayne Rooney’ is just brilliant:
7.55am: ‘Wayne Rooney is not for f*cking sale, now ask me a different bloody question’ David Moyes didn’t say this morning, but that was certainly the subtext to his comments in a Sydney press conference ahead of United’s latest match on their money-making pre-season tour against the A-League All Stars – a team we would assume features A-League goalscoring legend, Emile Heskey.
The Manchester United manager explained “the club’s position as not changed” which suggests Moyes will persevere with his plan to use Rooney as a squad player and put up with his incessant moaning and comfort eating.
12.50am: Piers Morgan has tweeted about Arsenal’s chances of signing Wayne Rooney:
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) July 18, 2013
Yeah, that’s what the world needs – more comments from Piers Morgan.
Thursday July 18:
4.21pm: United legend, Dennis Irwin says he has no reason to doubt David Moyes’ claim that Rooney will be staying at Old Trafford.
David Moyes is the manager. He makes the decisions. He has said Wayne Rooney is going nowhere. That is good enough for me
he explained with the naivety of someone who still thinks he’s living in the 1950s.
1.30pm: Arsenal are now reportedly in the running to sign Rooney. Wow – it’s funny how they constantly seem to be interested in signing unsettled superstar players that they have little actual chance of getting. Almost like it’s a strategy to appease fans unimpressed by Arsene Wenger’s transfer policy.
12.10pm: While on Chelsea’s pre-season shakedown of their Asian fans, Petr Cech tells the media he likes raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens and, perhaps most relevantly, the idea of Wayne Rooney joining the club.
3pm, July 17: United chief executive owner of a surprisingly difficult to say name, Edward Woodward, returns home from the club’s pre-season holiday tour. It’s supposedly to push through a deal for Cesc Fabregas, but it could also to be sure the door doesn’t hit Wayne Rooney on his way out of Old Trafford.
1pm, July 17: Jose Mourinho confirms his interest in Wayne Rooney, but denies that Chelsea are mental enough to give away cash AND Mata or Luiz in what would be worst deal since the Native Americans sold Manhattan to the Dutch for $24.
10.10am-ish, July 17: Rumours and the phrase ‘what the f*ck are you thinking, Manchester United?’ begin to circulate that the Chelsea offer included cash and Juan Mata or David Luiz, depending on how mental you think Roman Abramovich is.
10am-ish, July 17: United announce that they have rejected a formal offer from Chelsea for Rooney.
8.10am:, July 17 Mrs. Rooney takes to Twitter to make some point or another, presumably about the public’s treatment of her husband, but maybe as a response to a particularly silly episode of the Krankies Klub.
Grow up you gang of cranks!!
— Coleen Rooney (@ColeenRoo) July 17, 2013
7.20pm, July 16: Wayne Rooney says he’s ‘angry and confused’ over how he is being treated at Old Trafford, fuelling transfer speculation that doesn’t need fuelling. It gives rise to the amusing Twitter hashtag #ThingsThatAngerAndConfuseWayneRooney and of course this little gem:
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) July 17, 2013
July 11: Rooney leaves United’s pre-season tour of Asia and Australia due to a hamstring injury. Well, we’re told it’s an injury, but the way the rumour mill is whirring, it may be to negotiate a transfer, possibly to Chelsea.
July 10: In one of his first interviews since officially taking over the reins at Old Trafford, Moyes explains to Alan Brazil on Talksport that Rooney is not for sale and he is ‘fitter than ever’.
A lot of May and June: There’s lots of rumbles about Rooney not being happy at United and the likes of PSG having more money than sense and paying over the odds for him.
May 12: Sir Alex Ferguson reveals that Wayne Rooney has handed in a transfer request. After moaning about Manchester United not matching his ambition by signing top quality players, United sign Robin van Persie who basically wins them the league, leaving Wayne to watch on from the bench and make friends with Anders Lindegaard, Nani and all those other regular benchwarmers.
EXCLUSIVE: Photographic evidence of Wayne Rooney's transfer request! pic.twitter.com/Ff5e6zpLU2
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) May 13, 2013
4.02pm, May 9: People suddenly remember, ‘Oh hang on, didn’t Wayne Rooney have to pay Moyes a load of libel money for something he pretended he wrote about him in one of his many autobiographies? And didn’t they have a falling out at Everton about how much game time he was getting? Maybe all isn’t rosey.’
4pm, May 9: Moyes is confirmed as United manager and immediately people remember that Wayne Rooney worked with him at Everton. That’s surely a good thing for the increasingly forlorn Rooney’s chances of staying at Old Trafford, right?
10.30am, May 9: Manchester United confirm that David Moyes has been appointed as manager. Without meaning to. Thank god for people who still don’t fully understand Facebook.
12.10pm, May 8: Hitler isn’t impressed:
11am, May 8: Sir Alex Ferguson announces his retirement.
May 7 : United motormouth, Paddy Crerand vehemently denies that Sir Alex Ferguson is about to retire.
May 6: Out of the blue, Paddy Power reveal that there has been a sudden and unexpected flurry of bets on David Moyes to become next Manchester United manager.