Back in the year 2000, I once attended a charity coffee morning hosted by Les Dennis. He was raising funds for Russ Abbott; he never said why.
During the proceedings, I accidentally stumbled into the bathroom, to find Les’s lovely wife Amanda Holden on the phone, semi-naked and writhing in sexual ecstasy over the sink whilst singing the ‘Bob the Builder’ theme tune. I made my apologies and left hastily.
As I returned to the coffee, shortbread and banality downstairs, I turned to Michael Grecco and said: “Mark my words, Beppe – that marriage won’t last.”
I’ve always been bloody amazing at predictions. I have an almost paranormal gift for prescience. With this in mind, I give to you Not Big Sam’s forecast for the final Premier League table of the upcoming 2013/14 season. Get on it.
1. Man City – Now managed by an affable mafia don from the 80s, they’re the team to beat.
2. Chelsea – Mourinho’s back, but things are never the same the second time around. Like Airwolf.
3. Man United – United without Sir Alex is like East 17 without Tony Mortimer. They’ll crumble like a sand castle under a stream of hot piss.
4. West Ham – Mark my words; this is the year I go interstellar. It’s on.
5. Arsenal – Arsenal is that women who loudly exclaims she’s off to Waitrose to do her shopping, then slips into Lidl when no-one is looking. Losers.
6. Spurs – They need to keep Bale. No one-man team can afford to lose their man. What would The Corrs be without Jim? Sanitary towels and a fiddle, that’s what.
7. Liverpool – Same as above, Liverpool need to resist all bids for Suarez. Without them, they’ll have no bite. Hahahaha. Big Sam; forever circling his finger around the nipple of topical hilarity.
8. Everton – Will they struggle without Moysie? Will Martinez be able to implement a more fluid brand of football with a squad of uncultured players? I don’t know. I don’t give a f***, actually. I’m hungry.
9. Swansea – Laudrup has made some very astute signings this summer. As an aside, he always has a 16-piece box of Ferrero Rochers on his person at all times, too. What a prince.
10. Newcastle – I called up Alan Pardew the other day and sang ‘Help me, Wonga’ to the tune of ‘Help Me, Rhonda’ by the Beach Boys at him. I’ve destroyed him with satire before a ball has been kicked.
11. West Brom – They’ve just signed Lugano. He looks like a young Peter O’Toole. Remember that film ‘High Spirits’? Sublime hijinks. Guttenberg is so underrated.
12. Aston Villa – I’m getting bored now. I’m still hungry. Is Doug Ellis dead? He once told me he was going to get cryogenically frozen, so he could be awoken in the future and “go mental like that dark fella in that film with Rambo”. More money than sense, that lad.
13. Southampton – Love seeing Le Tissier in ‘The Premiership Years’ on Sky. He had the perfect combination of elegance and obesity. Like Kelly Clarkson.
14. Fulham – Lovely ground, Craven Cottage. Did you know that John Craven’s house is called Craven Castle? Even though it’s actually a cottage? Dickhead.
15. Cardiff – They’ll survive this year. Unlike many supporters who make the trip to see their team play in Cardiff. Hellish place. Has some of the best shrooms in Britain, mind.
16. Norwich – No, I won’t answer questions about whether I’ve slept with Delia Smith. Why the bloody hell should I? She makes an amazing breakfast, though.
17. Sunderland – Di Canio is a character isn’t he? A right bloody character. The game needs more bloody characters like him. He has a Heinrich Himmler bedspread, though. That’s all I’m saying.
18. Stoke – I fear it’ll be relegation for Sparky and Stoke this season. Sparky and Stoke; could be the name of a gentle ITV drama about a pair of disabled detectives. Their paperwork is a disgrace, but they get the job done.
19. Hull – Poor Stevie Bruce. He has a face like a water-damaged pasty, and he’ll be back in the Championship in no time.
20. Crystal Palace – Ian Holloway; the Timothy Claypole of football. Not good enough, son.
- Don’t just sit there dribbling! Get stuck into Paddy Power’s Premier League betting right here >
- Read more from Not Big Sam on Aston Villa, home DIY and world peace over here >