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To celebrate the Paddy Power Blog’s new look I’ve had my balls ironed and got chinplants… for a start

The Kerry footballer tells us how chinplants and tackle tightening keep him ahead of the game

by Paul Galvin | October 23, 2013

I hear Paddy Power is giving his bits a makeover. I’m a little surprised, I must say. Last time I saw him I thought he looked well. Then again, Paddy Power’s been around a while.

All those days out at the races, wining and dining, wheeling and dealing, takes from a man’s, dare I say it, complexion.

There’s no doubt that the high-powered, executive world Paddy Power resides in can enlarge the “jowl region”.

(We’ve taken the liberty of giving @pgal10 some chinplants, above)

The jowls (that area around the neck and jawline) would be even more prominent when wearing a collar and tie like Paddy has to do regularly. Race meetings, client dinners and corporate entertainment require a certain style. The Heineken Cup, the Guinness Series, the Dubai Duty Free Irish Derby, the Kentucky Fried Chicken Derby, the Hennessy Gold Cup, and the rest, require a certain constitution.

I’m not sure if it’s Botox or detox Paddy needs. It’s a wonder he’s not going in for a quadruple bypass. I only hope he survives the procedure, whatever it might be. There’s talk of a little nip/tuck here and a tidy-up there, some general cosmetic work to freshen up his public image. I won’t speculate as to why he’s going under the knife. We’ll find out exactly what he’s done when he unveils his new self shortly I guess.

[Hey, Galvin – it’s the Paddy Power Blog getting a makeover, not PP himself, you tool]

Oh. Right. The fact remains, however, when business meets pleasure, as it regularly does for Paddy Power, it’s only natural a man’s visage might suffer. Lifestyle habits aside, we must also take into account the pressure the man is under in his line of work. The sheer stress of dealing with hoodwinkers on a daily basis takes its toll.

Pirates trying to take him for the few euros he has made, hustlers trying to outfox him and second-guess him for the few shekels in his pocket. That would take from a man’s spirit no doubt.

Ahead of the game

And if the spirit goes you can be sure crow’s feet will follow. A wrinkled brow won’t be far behind and a wrinkled brow in Paddy’s game, is like swallowing hard at the poker table. It gives the game away. Paddy’s poker face has to be the smooth, ultra-confident exterior that tells everyone who’s boss, who’s one step ahead of the game. Why wouldn’t he call his surgeon if it helps him stay ahead of the game?

I don’t blame Paddy one bit for wanting to get some work done. It’s time men relaxed about cosmetic surgery. In fact, when I heard the Paddy Power Blog had the balls to announce they would unveil their new look publicly on October 22 it inspired me to upgrade myself too. Nothing drastic. Two simple procedures if I’m being up front and honest about it.

And I’m not afraid to tell you all about it like Paddy has. If by doing this we (Paddy and I) encourage more people to rejuvenate themselves, we’ll have done a good deed.

Sensitive sac 

So, yes, I had a makeover too. I had my balls ironed for a start (tackle-tightening they call it in the States but then those fuckers would have to get technical about it.) I did. I had my balls ironed. Or rather my ballbag. For purely selfish reasons, of course, rather than any aesthetic reasons. I have a particularly sensitive sac, you see, and when I heard of this “tackle-tightening” procedure whereby for $600 you can spread that bunched blanket of pleasure out a little bit further to maximise every last millimetre of skin for the tickling, then I simply had to avail. How could you not when your satchel is as delicate as mine?

As ye can see I also had a chin implant or a “chinplant” (more Yank-speak.) Now you may definitely think I have done this for aesthetic reasons, but you’d be wrong. In fact I did it for athletic reasons. That’s right, athletic reasons. They say the stronger a man’s jawline the greater his stamina and endurance. Preach!! I’m amazed more footballers haven’t done it already. Although looking at the mantles on a few of them maybe they have.

Anyway, the surgeon says it will settle down in no time and then I’m taking the National Fucking League by storm. I can’t wait. That’s me. Smart. Always thinking. Always ahead of the game. Always looking for that competitive advantage. Just like Paddy Power and his Blog.

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