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Your mum! The top 15 Ashes sledges you can’t afford to miss

by Josh Powell | November 26, 2013

By Josh Powell | Ashes 2013

Cricket is often portrayed, quite romantically, as a proper gentleman’s game. 22 men all dressed in their most pristine whites enjoying the English summer with a well-mannered match played in the best of spirits. Anyone who has played cricket at any level, from behind the Dog and Duck to the Oval, will know it is very different and the funny quips and insults take even more of an edge when it comes to the Ashes.

A well executed jibe at the crease can get a few giggles and the mental edge in the battle for the urn. The rivalry between England and Australia is lodged deep in history and the wicket can provide the perfect platform to take a dig at your opponents.

So can Twitter, as Paddy found out when he laid the smack down on some guessers during the summer…

It all got a bit tasty in the first Test and if you’re a cricket fan or you just like learning new ways to insult Australians, here are the top 15 Ashes sledges to get you in the mood for the second Test in Adelaide in December.

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‘Don’t bother shutting it son, you won’t be out there long enough’
– ‘Fiery’ Fred Trueman as a new Australian batsman closed the gate on his way out of the pavilion at Lord’s in the early 1960s.

‘You’ve got to bat on this in a minute, Tufnell. Hospital food suit you?’
– Aussie fast bowler Craig McDermott warns Phil Tufnell about the fast Perth pitch in 1991.

‘So how’s your wife and my kids?’
– Aussie wicket keeper Rodney Marsh to Ian Botham.
‘The wife’s fine but the kids are retarded.’
Botham’s classic response.

‘That’s anywhere inside a three-mile radius.’
– Wicket-keeper Ian Healy after skipper Steve Waugh told Ricky Ponting to field at silly point ‘right under Nasser Hussain’s nose’.

‘I’ll get you a fucking piano, you Pommie poofta, let’s see if you can play that.’
Merv Hughes unloads after English batsman Graham Gooch played and missed several fast deliveries.

‘No good hitting me there mate, nothing to damage.’
– England batsman Derek Randall is unphased after a bouncer from fast bowler Dennis Lillee hit him on the head.

‘Are you bloody blind?’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘Are you fucking deaf as well?’
– Phil Tufnell has a small disagreement with the Umpire after an appeal was turned down.

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‘Count them yourself, you Pommie c*nt.’
Umpires get their own back. Australian Peter McConnell replies to Phil Tufnell after the spinner asked how many balls were left in the over.

‘Wooooooooh. Don’t worry, Shane, you can sleep in my bed tonight.’
Darren Gough lays into Shane Warne after the Aussie all-rounder spent a night on Brett Lee’s floor because he thought the team hotel was haunted.

‘I didn’t know they stacked crap that high.’
– An Australian fan barracks the six foot five England fast bowler Bob Willis.

‘Tufnell, can I borrow your brain? I’m building an idiot.’
– Another Aussie crowd member gets involved, this time at Phil Tufnell’s expense.

‘Leave our flies alone Jardine, they’re the only friends you’ve got.’
– England captain Douglas Jardine is on the end of some abuse after he tries to swat away a fly in the 1932 tour.

‘You’re shit Hayden, and so is your chicken casserole.’
– The English fans give as good back towards Aussie opening batsman Matthew Hayden, who had also just released a cookery book.

‘You got an MBE, right? For scoring seven at the Oval? That’s embarrassing.’
Paul Collingwood received an MBE for playing a minor role in the 2005 Ashes series win and Shane Warne wasn’t going to let him get away with it.

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