It’s that wonderful time of the year when we show our love for our fellow man by buying them tat that they don’t really want or need. Thankfully, it’s been a busy year for football club shops around the world as they continue their quest to outdo each other with the naffest Christmas presents possible.
Scouring the club shops of the world so you don’t have to, the Paddy Power Blog has uncovered 10 (and a small bonus section thanks entirely to the efforts of one club) of the most terrible football club branded Christmas presents of 2013.
#1 Gremio 6′ Sports Knife – R $52.10
‘Hmmm … what would Joao like for Christmas? Well he likes Gremio and he likes slashing things – tyres, wild animals, the occasional opposition fan’. Having looked at the likely demand for such a product, the club said ‘yes, let’s do it’ and provided arguably the most threatening item in any club shop around the world.
Not seeming to give a shite about the potential for being branded irresponsible, it even includes a built-in bottle opener – perfect for cracking open the beers that will fuel your psychotic stabbing rampage. Complete with nylon sheath so you don’t hurt yourself when walking around with it on your person. Don’t worrying about hurting anyone else – they can all go to hell.
A special shout out also to the official club thermometer.
#2 Notre Dame Duck Tape – US $9.95
Do you use a lot of duck tape? Do you feel the ‘adhesives’ category is one area in which your allegiance to your team isn’t fully communicated? Do you cruise around college campuses at night driving a pick up truck. If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might want to take a look at your life. You may also want some Notre Dame Duck Tape, surely the most innocuous but vaguely sinister product in the sports tat market. The copy – which you’d think would be working hard to convince you this isn’t a bit rapey – fails in its task. It implores us to:
‘Let your imagination run wild with this tape and show everyone that you are Notre Dame’s most inventive fans!
We would add that it’s ok to let your imagination run wild, but not too wild. If you use the tape and then find yourself needing to pick up some blood stain remover on your way home, you may have gone too far.
Yes Notre Dame are primarily known as an American Football and Basketball team, but they also play sawker, so this totally counts. As does the kidnapping charge you’re likely to get not long after buying a few rolls of this stuff.
#3 Benfica condoms – €2 a pop
Club condoms – it’s a risky tactic. You’d want it to be for clubs that are fairly confident of success. Imagine whipping one out in the Manchester United colours these days – what a tentpole-killer. Your mind starts to wander to United’s lacklustre midfield. Next thing you know, your conquest is gone home and you’re left trawling friends’ Facebook album for a flash of flesh. Plus, at the moment United can barely contain Shola Ameobi, let alone 250 million of your swimmers.
Knowing only two teams ever win in Portugal, Benfica have gone for the risk. And in some style too. You can even buy individual ones with various slogans written on the packet from the slightly rapey ‘the best form of defence is attack’ to that ‘out of many, one’ which we believe is also the slogan of the International Swingers Association.
Plus two euro a go? Depending on just how sexually active you’re planning on being, it might just be cheaper to have the kid.
#4 Marseille Pet Jacket – £14.40
There’s nothing particularly mental about the club selling dog jackets. Society seems to have got to the point where buying your jack russell a hi-larious outfit to make it look like a Hell’s Angel or Village People representation of a policeman is deemed acceptable and not a horrendous misuse of the earth’s finite resources. We’re fine with that.
What sets this sporting tat apart is how depressed the dog looks. LOOK AT HIM! – that’s a look of genuine shame. Ten ‘I just took a dump on the good carpet’s times fifteen ‘yes, you caught me humping my own mother’s. Thanks to Marseille, your dog can now look this much like its had its spirit broken.
#5 Maccabi Tel Aviva – Europa League Group F Scarf – ₪69.99
Football scarves are a time-honoured way of signifying your allegiance to your preferred club. But sometimes that’s not enough. Sometimes you need to express your love for your club and also the appreciation for the competition they’re currently involved in.
That’s presumably why Maccabi Tel Aviv – currently leaders of the Ligat Ha’al – have commissioned this beauty – a scarf that celebrates Maccabi Tel Aviv and their participation in Group F of the Europa League 2013/14 against such names as APOEL Nicosia, Eintracht Frankfurt and Bordeaux. Yes it’ll be pretty much redundant when they qualify for the Round of 32, but you’ll always have those memories of that magic night in Cyprus when both teams mustered a grand total of three shots on target for a nil-al draw. Prize tat, bit also incredibly specific prize tat with a ridiculous short shelf-life.
#6 Zenit St. Petersburg Souvenir Bell – €10.78
We were tempted to go for the Andrei Arshavin 120 piece jigsaw just so we could make the ‘it goes to pieces in the box’ gag, but there’s something vaguely logical about parents buying a jigsaw of the Zenit hero for their kids, so we had to look elsewhere for our mentalness. Plus the 1980s called and said they wanted their joke back. Then the 1990s called and say they wanted that last joke back. It all got very messy.
It didn’t take long and soon we stumbled upon something even weirder – the I Love Zenit souvenir bell. Perfect if you want to call your servant while at the same time show your love for the club.
#7 Besiktas Manicure Set – €24.90
When you think of Turkish football fans, you might bring to mind passionate and intimidating supporters who are no strangers to throwing a few digs and small explosives if the situation requires. Or even if the situation doesn’t in fact require. You probably don’t think ‘lovely manicured hands’.
Maybe we’ve just misunderstood these gentle souls because the fact they sell a manicure set on the club website paints a picture of an altogether more sensitive and considerate person. This five piece manicure kit comes with a club branded case – it’s perfect for having those ‘WOW factor’ nails when you’re giving fingerprints at the police station after your latest arrest.
#8 St. Pauli Air Guitar – €5
The German side gained a reputation for one of the most progressive, anti-corporate, anti-racism, anti-fascist, anti-sexism and ideological clubs in world football. But they don’t let their beliefs stop them sticking a club logo on pretty much anything and trying to flog it to the nearest football hipster with more money than sense.
Exhibit A is the air guitar. The very essence of the air guitar is that it requires no actual hardware beyond two arms and a questionable taste in music. Not only have the club slapped their logo on something, they’ve created a product where no product is actually required. Top tatting.
Honourable mentions to:
St. Pauli Sink Plug – €14.95
Insert lazy joke about leaky defence and leaky sink. Boom boom!
St. Pauli Waffle Iron – €44.95
We’re just jealous we don’t ever have waffles for breakfast
St. Pauli Chopping Board – €7.95
They have two types of chopping board
St. Pauli Bicycle Bell – €7.95
Combine the two great hipster passions of cycling and St. Pauli in one tacky item
St. Pauli Wine – €6.95
It’s wine from a football club and it’s still cheap. You know this is going to be pure shite. Also doubles as anti-freeze
#9 Olympiakos Slinky – €4.99
Remember the slinky spring thing that was popular for about 14 seconds in the 1980s? Barely? Well now you can buy an Olympiakos branded version that you send down the stairs once, realise it’s incredibly underwhelming and then leave sitting in your wardrobe for the next 30 years.
#10 Kaizer Chiefs Funeral Plan – what price eternal piece of mind?
Care about your loved ones, but not enough to actually stop watching South African Premier League football and spend some time with them? Then ease your guilty conscience by buying the Kaizer Chiefs Funeral Plan. We’re not entirely sure about prices or what it involve, but we’re pretty sure it involves dying at some point. The website tells us:
You will have peace of mind in knowing you have a plan in place when life throws you a curveball
Things don’t come much more curvebally than death.