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10 top Ian Holloway quotes to confuse and amuse at Millwall FC

Funnyman Ian Holloway is back. The former Crystal Palace manager brings his Championship nous and own brand sense of humour to Millwall. He'll need both. In spades.

by Sean Goff | January 7, 2014

Sean Goff | Holloway homage


No-one likes us, no-one likes us, we don’t care, we don’t care, we are Millwall, super Millwall, from the Den.

The most recognisable chant in English football may have to change after Ian Hollway’s appointment to the Den hot-seat.

A fan and media favourite for his off-reservation ramblings and excitable touchline performances. Holloway inherits a Lions side that haven’t won in five games and sit just above the Championship drop zone.

While the football may be bleak – the press conferences won’t be.

Here’s a few Holloway quotes on life, love and more importantly football as he takes over in souf-East London.


HAMSTER TIME: Irina Shayak’s not telling

1. Cristiano Ronaldo and Hamsters

He’s six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking – he’s got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he’s hung like a hamster – That would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his cock’s massive.

– Holloway on penis envy and CR7

2. Winning ugly …. or pulling on a Saturday night

To put it in gentleman’s terms if you’ve been out for a night and you’re looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they’re good looking and some weeks they’re not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She weren’t the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let’s have a coffee.

– Goes round the houses to describe Blackpool’s win over Chesterfield.

3. Veteran striker Paul Furlong

Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings.

– Man management at its finest. 


BLUE MOON: Holloway’s been a fan of Barton’s butt since 2006

4. Joey Barton’s butt cheeks

It was a bit cheeky wasn’t it? But I don’t think it was that bad. It would have been worse if he’d turned round and dropped the front of his shorts instead. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a couple of butt cheeks personally. (…) If anybody’s offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they’re just jealous that he’s got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything.” – on Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton mooning Everton fans.

– A gem from 2006 when Barton gave jeering Everton fans more than they bargained for. 

5. Managing QPR … or the movie Men in Black

It’s like the film Men in Black. I walk around in a black suit, white shirt and black tie where I’ve had to flash my white light every now and again to erase some memories, but I feel we’ve got hold of the galaxy now. It’s in our hands.

– More gold from his time with the R’s pre Tony Fernandes.

6. His Mrs & Danish striker Marc Nugaard

When my wife first saw Marc for the first time, she said he was a fine specimen of a man. She says I have nothing to worry about, but I think she wants me to buy her a QPR shirt with his name on the back for Christmas.

– When Mrs Holloway told him she fancied a Danish. 

7. Predicting the future … or needing a new travel agent

I am a football manager. I can’t see into the future. Last year I thought I was going to Cornwall on my holidays but I ended up going to Lyme Regis.

– The perils of predicting results Holloway style.


ARISE SIR DAVID: Ian’s not having Sir and Lady Beckham

8. Sir David & Lady Beckham

Sir David Beckham? You’re having a laugh. He’s just a good footballer with a famous bird. Can you imagine if Posh was called Lady Beckham? We’d never hear the end of it!

– Not a fan of giving Becks a knighthood.

9. Playing defensively or playing the piano

It’s all very well having a great pianist playing but it’s no good if you haven’t got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play.

– Reacting to criticism of using too many defensive midfielders. 

10. Celebrity Big brother. Or something.

If I was in there I wouldn’t try to be everybody’s friend. I’d have to say ‘Excuse me, hang on a minute, I think you’re wrong there. Don’t raise your voice at her (Shilpa Shetty) like that, don’t get like that. It’s just an Oxo cube, we got it wrong and we’re all in this together’. It’s like the Witches of Eastwick. They need Jack Nicholson to come in and sort them right out.

–  How to handle Reality TV bullies.

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