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Ball of Shame Decathlon Results: Find out who tops the medal table

Today’s fast-paced Premier League leaves little room for the genuinely fat footballers of old, but when our Ball of Shame team took a look at official Premier League stats for the first half of the season, it was clear that fatness of mind persists in the English top flight...

by Josh Powell | January 14, 2014

Our #BallofShame Decathlon is, like the Premier League careers of some of our medallists, wheezing towards its conclusion. With all 10 events completed and the medals dished out, there’s nothing left to do but tally up the points and shame the top flight’s three laziest clubs.

Our completely original and scientific scoring system awards clubs 3 points for a gold medal, 2 for a silver and 1 for a bronze. Without further ado, here’s how the leaderboard ended up looking:

We had a tie for third place, with both Everton and Crystal Palace amassing 6 points. After literally seconds of deliberation, we decided to give the nod to Everton on account of them having won 4 medals compared to Palace’s 2. The judges felt that this commitment to a greater variety of laziness was more impressive: the Toffees boasted a player who’s virtually lived on the bench, two more who were experts at dodging any on-pitch duties and a fourth who treated the turf more like a mattress than a workplace.

A team effort hoisted Stoke into second place: their collective unwillingness to shoot for any reason – whether winning or losing – was capped off by Charlie Adam’s bronze for his repeated successes in removing both himself and members of Tottenham’s first team from the field of play.

Atop the podium we find our worthy winners: Cardiff City. With the bewilderment of last season’s captain spending every minute on the bench, two of their players leading the rest of the division in knocking off early and the speed with which their heads dropped after the slightest setback, they’ve provided an entertaining sideshow to the modern game’s relentless focus on fitness and determination.

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