Our #BallofShame Decathlon is, like the Premier League careers of some of our medallists, wheezing towards its conclusion. With all 10 events completed and the medals dished out, there’s nothing left to do but tally up the points and shame the top flight’s three laziest clubs.
Our completely original and scientific scoring system awards clubs 3 points for a gold medal, 2 for a silver and 1 for a bronze. Without further ado, here’s how the leaderboard ended up looking:
We had a tie for third place, with both Everton and Crystal Palace amassing 6 points. After literally seconds of deliberation, we decided to give the nod to Everton on account of them having won 4 medals compared to Palace’s 2. The judges felt that this commitment to a greater variety of laziness was more impressive: the Toffees boasted a player who’s virtually lived on the bench, two more who were experts at dodging any on-pitch duties and a fourth who treated the turf more like a mattress than a workplace.
A team effort hoisted Stoke into second place: their collective unwillingness to shoot for any reason – whether winning or losing – was capped off by Charlie Adam’s bronze for his repeated successes in removing both himself and members of Tottenham’s first team from the field of play.
Atop the podium we find our worthy winners: Cardiff City. With the bewilderment of last season’s captain spending every minute on the bench, two of their players leading the rest of the division in knocking off early and the speed with which their heads dropped after the slightest setback, they’ve provided an entertaining sideshow to the modern game’s relentless focus on fitness and determination.
- That wraps up the club’s medal hauls, but you can look back at how they earned their place in the league of laziness right here
- Ball of Shame Decathlon event #6: The 10 Premier League clubs who shoot less when they’re winning
- Ball of Shame Decathlon event #7: The 10 Premier League players who go to ground easily
- Ball of Shame Decathlon event 10: Which team musters up the least fight once they go behind?
- Ball of Shame Decathlon #5: The top Premier League stars who spend the least amount of time on the pitch
- Ball of Shame Decathlon Day #8: The 10 Premier League players who hit and hope
- Ball of Shame Decathlon Day #9: Which Premier League clubs rack up the most injury time?
- Ball of Shame Decathlon event #1: Find out who wins gold as the Premier League’s biggest benchwarmer
- Ball of Shame Decathlon event #2: Find out who wins gold as the Premier League’s lowest profile strikers
- Ball of Shame Decathlon event #3: The 10 Premier League players who last the least amount of time on the pitch
- Ball of Shame Decathlon event #4: Who tops the table for least amount of shots per goal?