It’s going to cost a scarcely credible £42 to get in to witness the privilege of West Ham exit the Capital One Cup tonight.
They’re 6-0 down and have about as much chance of turning it around as we do of ever saying ‘wow! What an insightful and articulate critique of modern society and the potential pitfalls for a young man by Andy Carroll’.
There’s talk about ‘salvaging pride’ and a good performance improving confidence for their relegation scrapping, which is all very pleasant, but is it worth paying £42 for? No, clearly it isn’t. And the better tickets for £59 a pop sound even less appealing. Plus, they’ll be playing Sam Allardyce’s brand of airborne football.
Here’s five better stupid ways to spend that money.
Go see a Psychic Medium – 2 tickets for £33
Want to pay good money to hear someone confidently state they have the information that can make your life better only to later find out they’re a shameless charlatan getting rich by exploiting the naive with false promises of hope?
‘Why would we? We already have Big Sam’ you can no doubt hear the West Ham fans saying. Ho, ho! You witty imaginary West Ham fans.
Anyway, if you want a woman to pretend she’s talking to your recently deceased cat, you can head up to Nottingham tonight where £33 will get you two tickets to the scam. ‘Captain Meeow is telling me not to worry, he’s in a better place’. Yes, presumably not Nottingham.
Doggy Dancing Lessons – £40
Book now to avoid disappointment. Or at least postpone disappointment until the moment you handed over your hard-earned cash for forcing your dog to stand on its hind legs for a few uncomfortable seconds.
What is going on with the world where this is actually a thing?
Cat Massage DVD – $34.98 (incl. $14.99 delivery)
Is your cat looking stressed, tense or anxious?
OF COURSE NOT! IT’S A F*CKING CAT!
All it does all day is sleep, terrorise mice and wait for you to die so it can start eating your face.
We had something utterly pointless for dogs, so in the name of balancing things up with something stupid for cats, why not take that £42 and spend it on an instructional DVD on how to give your cat a massage? It’s in dollars so you’ll even have a fair few quid left over to spend on something else. May we suggest psychiatric care.
Get a Back, Sack and Crack wax – £40 to £50
Things getting a little hairy down there? Well, why not try scoring some goals and getting out of the relegation scrap. Boom boom!
For most men, getting a wax is a deeply painful experience with an intangible benefit that makes you question why you bothered to do it in the first place. A lot like watching West Ham these days. Put that £42 to better use by getting the full Brazilian package down in Brighton. And ‘down in Brighton’ isn’t a euphemism for your genital area, it’s actually where its available. It ranges from £40 to £50, presumably based on how ‘Bigfoot’ you’ve let things get down there.
They even provided the frankly surreal ‘guide’ you can see above.
Graffiti Class – £37.50
What says ‘London’ more than graffiti? Well, arguably teenage pregnancy, gang violence and the bizarre capacity to over-rate virtually everything associated the city. Presumably because it’s worse idea than paying £35 million for Andy Carroll, it’s been slashed to half price! Buy now so you don’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to completely waste your money.
Do we have any interest in paying to learn how to vandalise public property? Not really, we can do that ourselves for free. But it still sounds like a once in a lifetime offer in comparison to rocking up to the Boleyn Ground tonight.