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Ball of Shame report: Southampton’s Samurai, drunk-dialling and p*ss-poor penalties

by Rob Dore | January 25, 2014

This week we have swashbuckling footballers, the worst penalty shootout ever and a bad case of drunk dialling.

Osvaldo Sword

Our first story depicts a growing trend amongst footballers. This trend is the use of inanimate objects and weapons against their fellow team-mates.

I have played on a number of teams in my illustrious Sunday league and astro-park career and though there have been fisticuffs and heated words, never has a disagreement escalated to the use of a potentially lethal weapon.

The Premier league has different rules. Whether it’s Craig Bellamy with a golf club, Chico Flores with a brick or Ashley Cole with a BB gun these football stars can’t help whipping out the weaponry. Cue the latest attack by volatile Argentine Dani Osvaldo of Southampton.

An argument broke out between Adam Lallana, Jose Fonte and Osvaldo at the Southampton training ground this week (Rumours that the argument stemmed from a disagreement over who had the best facial hair cannot be confirmed). Instead of settling it with a good old fashioned scuffle, Osvaldo decided that it was time to visit his weapons cabinet. Rumours suggest that the Argentine proceeded to chase Lallana around the training grounds with a sword before head-butting Fonte.


Osvaldo has a checkered past as he was fined and suspended by Roma for punching the team-mate Erik Lamela and earlier this month was hit with another ban for his involvement in a touchline row. Maybe it’s time for Osvaldo to consider a new career path, I hear the UFC is hiring.

Drunk Dialling

We have all fallen foul of the dreaded drunk dial. There is little worse than waking up in the morning to see a string of calls to different people of which you have no memory ever making. Now imagine that one of those numbers was the police services. This is exactly what one drunk Manchester United fan did on Wednesday evening after the Red Devils were knocked out of the Capital One Cup by Sunderland.

The Greater Manchester Police received a call at 10.30pm on Wednesday from a man in a drunken state demanding to speak to Sir Alex Ferguson. When the man was asked what crime he was calling about he proceeded to bemoan the lack of passion and skill shown by the Manchester United team that night. After the operator informed him that this was not considered a criminal offense the man appear to sober up quite rapidly and hung up. Not before he gave up his full name and address. Presumably so the authorities can put him on the “Not Allowed to Procreate” list.

The Manchester Police department issued the below statement on their Facebook page.

Check out the audio clip below.

Penalty Shootout

If you haven’t seen the penalty shoot-out between Man Utd and Sunderland in the Capital One Cup semi-final and you’re in need of a good laugh then check it out. Through a heady mix of nerves, poor technique and feet which apparently shaped like fifty-pence pieces, seven out of ten professional footballers failed to convert from 12 yards out.

It seems as if the two teams had seen Jason Puncheons tweet re: penalty lessons and availed of the service. Danny Welbeck, Phil Jones and Craig Gardner all blasted their penalties over the bar from 12 yards with a trajectory that Johnny Wilkinson would have been proud of. Phil Jones even managed to curl the ball into an unsuspecting supporters face.


Dubbed by many as the worst penalty shoot-out ever this was tough to watch for United fans, but hilarious for everyone else. In any other walk of life this level of ineptitude would leave you with a P45 and an empty pocket, shame on them!

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