‘I’d like to thank God, Burt Reynold’s moustache, that kind man with the video camera who gave me my first taste of show business when he let me audition for ‘Take Your Clothes Off: The Musical’
Yes, as that stupidly melodramatic speech suggests, it’s the time of the year when handing out 12-inch gold-plated statues of naked men is actually acceptable. It’s the Oscars and because we need to have a bet in order to keep us watching through all the Joan Rivers bitching about what people are wearing, we’ve buried our heads into the history books to analyse the trends. Looking at the big three categories of Best Picture, Best Actor and Best Actress, the Paddy Power Blog has had a look a some of the key stats in our own unique and possibly offensive way.
We tried to simplify the options into straightforward good guy/bad guy/historical figure categories, but even that basic approach leads us down a path more treacherous than attempting to strike up a platonic relationship with a teenager on the internet.
Although The Dallas Buyers Club counts as Historo-Drama, Matthew McConaughey doesn’t quite count as a Historical Figure. That’s meant to be famous people from history who you’d know without the need for a feature film – Abraham Lincoln, Ray Charles, Turman Capote – those sort of guys.
For the role he plays in the movie, McConaughey gets slapped into the ‘A Good Guy’ category. His character has his moments of being a bit of a dick, but all in all, his heart is in the right place.
Which is more than can be said for McConaughey’s body fat ratio which has dropped faster than Mel Gibson’s reputation. Leonardo Di Caprio and Chiwetel Ejiofor also play real life characters who aren’t quite historical figures by our arbitrary definition, but they get lumped into slightly different categories. Ejiofor is clearly just a good guy caught in a horrible situation while Leo goes into the ‘A Bit of Both’ section for his snorting and shagging his way around Manhattan.
It looks like McConaughey is nailed on to win, so to Bruce Dern and Christian Bale we say ‘well done lads, at least you got a free ticket to the event’. Give two fingers to the Academy by going back for seconds and thirds at the buffet. Prices: Matthew McConaughey (The Dallas Buyers’ Club) 1/6 Leonardo DiCaprio (The Wolf Of Wall Street) 7/2 Chiwetel Ejiofor (12 Years A Slave) 10/1 Bruce Dern (Nebraska) 20/1 Christian Bale (American Hustle) 66/1
If Hollywood was really honest the silver-fox section would be considerably larger than it is. 49 and still rocking a full head of natural brown hair there Sandra. Now that’s some Bull(ock) shit.
However having been evicted from more than one swanky function for demanding proof that the carpet matches the drapes, we’ll just take them on their word.
As the stats show when it comes to winning small gold statues Brunettes fare far better than their fairer blonde friends. However this year it’s the golden haired Cate Blanchett who is expected to pick up the award for her roll in Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine.
That being said, Sandra Bullock has apparently made over $70m for her roll in Gravity. So, you know, f*#k the Oscars. You can buy all the respect and admiration you need with that kind of cash. Prices: Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine) 1/33 Sandra Bullock (Gravity) 12/1 Amy Adams (American Hustle) 18/1 Judi Dench (Philomena) 25/1 Meryl Streep (August: Osage County) 40/1 It’s tough not to make a libelous Woody Allen joke here: Bet Now
There’s an almost balanced look to this year’s Best Picture nominations. From tackling our uncomfortable past in 12 Years A Slave to our uncomfortable future in Her. There’s also plenty drug action in The Wolf of Wall Street, the mother of all comb-overs in American Hustle, some space drama in Gravity and The Dallas Buyers Club, a movie where Matthew McConaughey has his shirt on more than 50% of the time.
12 Year’s A Slave is the favourite to take the prize. The no-punches-pulled biopic about a free man sold in to slavery in 19th century America makes for some tough but rewarding watching. English director Steve McQueen tackles the subject with the stark honesty it requires to ring true. Don’t worry, you’re not racist if you didn’t like it. However you may be racist if you liked it too much. Prices: 12 Years A Slave 1/6 Gravity 7/2 The Dallas Buyer’s Club 16/1 American Hustle 16/1 The Wolf Of Wall Street 50/1 Captain Phillips 200/1 Philomena 200/1 Her 200/1 Nebraska 200/1 Could Clooney and Bullock rocket away with this one?: Bet Now