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Grand National Betting Tactics: #3 Give me something with relevance to my life

A priest, a rebellious hoody or a fan of Carry On innuendos? Whichever category you fall into, we've got the horse for you

by Josh Powell | April 3, 2014

Picking the horse you want to back for the Grand National is difficult. Some people like to do the painstaking hours of research and analysis while others just rock up, throw a dart at the racecard and hope for the best. No matter what tactic you choose, there’s no guarantee of success. So in honour of the various methods people use, here’s our breakdown of the ways to pick a Grand National horse. Here’s part one of a five part series that will hopefully get you closer to landing a winner.

#3 Give me something with relevance to my life

Are you a man or woman of the cloth?

Thank the Lord! You have three runners going for you with religious links, so have a punt, sit back and let the big man upstairs work his magic.

  • Balthazar King 20/1
  • Our Father 40/1
  • Saint Are 50/1

Is your Mum Irish?

If so, these three phrases are probably not too uncommon. Particularly if the local priest comes to visit, there is a small family crisis or you’ve been caught having a cheeky fag in the kitchen.

  • Teaforthree 8/1
  • Theres No Panic 40/1
  • Out Now 66/1

Due to your strict parents, did you have to sneak off to secluded hideouts for cheeky snogs, smokes and cans of Scrumpy Jacks when you were a teenager?

We hear the best places to do such debauchery is round the back of train stations, small fishing villages in Donegal or down by the sea. Consequently these horses will ring a familiar bell with you, so stick 50p on but don’t tell your Mum.

  • Rocky Creek 20/1
  • Burton Port 20/1
  • Colbert Station 28/1
  • Hawkes Point 33/1
  • Across The Bay 40/1
  • Buckers Bridge 50/1
  • Golan Way 66/1

smokes-scrumpies-sophie-2

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Are you a huge fan of budget European porn and Carry On innuendos?

Ohhh matron. Put down the Kleenex and turn of that 11-year-old recording of Eurotrash. These are the horses that will appeal to you if you set your mind to ‘dirty’.

  • Shakalakaboomboom 25/1
  • Night In Milan 40/1
  • The Package 28/1
  • Court By Surprise 50/1
  • One in a Milan 66/1

Do you have dodgy eyes?

Then stick to the greys. At least that way in the blur of hooves, mud and fences, you’ll be able to cheer on the right gee-gee. Who cares what it’s called, just cheer on the thing that isn’t brown.

  • Our Father 40/1
  • Walkon 50/1
  • Rose Of The Moon 50/1
  • Swing Bill 66/1

Do you struggle to grasp basic foreign names a la Paul Merson?

Put your teeth in and concentrate. These three are the two you want to be cheering on. Just make sure, when you do inevitably struggle to roar them home, people understand why you are making high-pitched nonsensical noises, otherwise they might fear you’re having a stroke.

  • Lion Na Bearnai 28/1
  • Kruzhlinin 50/1

Paul-Merson-Grand-National

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Do you have a solid pronunciation of foreign names, but are also a cheese-eating coward?

You are French. These are your local lads in the race if you’re feeling particularly patriotic.

  • Triolo D’Alene 20/1
  • Pineau De Re 20/1
  • Prince De Beauchene 16/1
  • Chance Du Roy 33/1
  • Quito De La Roque 40/1
  • Last Time D’Albain 50/1
  • Raz De Maree 50/1

Do you have a secret crush on ‘racing’s heart-throb’ JP McManus?

We all know you’ve scrawled ‘I <3 JP 4eva’ on your Math book at one stage in your life, don’t try and hide it . He won this race in 2010 and currently has four likely to make the field. Luckily if you’re another one with dubious vision you can just whoop and holla every time someone in green and yellow stripes edges closer to the front.

  • Double Seven 20/1
  • Colbert Station 28/1
  • Alfie Sherrin 33/1
  • Lost Glory 66/1

I-love-JP-Grand-National

Are you a big fan of rock band Keane?

There’s a special place in Hell for you, however, there is some connection with several Grand National horses. ‘Hopes and Fears’, ‘Perfect Symmetry’ and ‘Night Train’ are all terrible Keane albums but if you enjoy listening to their dross, you’ll find that these horses’ names could all be easily misunderstood to be names of Keane songs.

  • Long Run 14/1
  • Tidal Bay 14/1
  • Alvarado 33/1
  • Mountainous 40/1
  • Vintage Star 40/1
  • Twirling Magnet 50/1
  • Vesper Bell 50/1
  • Tranquil Sea 50/1

Do you fall into none of the above categories?

There are still plenty of options for you. Even the most unique Keane-hating, porn-avoiding member of society with perfect vision has a horse to back in the biggest race of them all.

  • Monbeg Dude 14/1
  • Big Shu 25/1
  • The Rainbow Hunter 33/1
  • Mr Moonshine 33/1
  • Soll 40/1
  • Bog Warrior 40/1
  • Goonyella 40/1
  • Wayward Prince 50/1
  • Hunt Ball 40/1
  • Minella For Value 66/1

Got your fancy for the National? All the latest odds are here: Desktop | Mobile

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