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World Cup 2014 – A spoofer’s guide to … Australia

by Josh Powell | May 20, 2014

Fun Fact

One of Australia’s native animals is the wombat. The wombat is nocturnal and they like to dig extensive burrow systems, but most interestingly their faeces are shaped in a cube. Incredible.

Wikipedia Fact

According to research done at the end of 2012, almost two-thirds of Australians are overweight. That goes some way to explaining why nobody uses ‘Yo Mama is so fat…’ jokes in the country anymore. For too long they have been overused and by now none of them are considered originals. To be a hit on the Australian comedy scene it is imperative to keep it fresh and steer clear of any jokes surrounding morbid obesity. Knock-knock jokes are still golden though.

National Hero

Australian politician Bob Hawke was the 23rd Prime Minister of Australia. Not only is he officially Australia’s third-longest-serving Prime Minister, taking charge from March 1983 to December 1991, but he also drank 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds in an attempt to enter the Guinness Book of Records. Clearly a top bloke. During his time in office Hawke took on a very public role and he was incredibly popular with many Australians – in 1984 he racked up a 75 per cent approval rating in one of Australia’s voting polls, the highest score ever achieved.

Medicare, outlawing of sexual discrimination in the workplace, protecting the World Heritage listed Kakadu National Park from uranium mining, the proclamation of ‘Advance Australia Fair’ as the national anthem, and green and gold as the national colours are just some of the notable legacies of the Hawke government. Enjoying sport and necking beer just made him more lovable.

Football Pedigree

It’s hardly something to shout about, and with Aussie Rules, rugby, cricket and even Frisbee (they have three National Ultimate Frisbee teams) ahead of football in the sporting pecking list it’s not surprising. They started playing in June 1922 and immediately lost 3-1 to local neighbours New Zealand. The Socceroos then spent a considerable amount of time not qualifying for World Cups but doing quite well in the OFC Nations Cup. They are four-time winners and twice runners-up of this contest, but that’s not difficult when the only teams you face are New Zealand, Tahiti, Vanuatu, Fiji and the Solomon Islands.

Australia’s Golden Generation came in 2005 under Guus Hiddink as the nation joined the Asian Football Confederation and qualified for the 2006 World Cup. They reached the last 16 – their best ever World Cup display. In 2010 they qualified again but didn’t win a game and limped out at the group stage. Most impressively in 2001 they beat American Samoa 31-0, so it’s not all bad.

Acceptable National Stereotype

Easy-going, relaxed, beach-loving people who love to barbeque shrimp

Unacceptable National Stereotype

Inbred, kangaroo-murdering convicts who are very sore losers

Don’t be surprised if…

They lose every single game and become the Group B whipping boys

Odds to win World Cup 2014: 80/1

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