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World Cup 2014 – A spoofer’s guide to … England

by Sean Goff | May 22, 2014

Fun Fact…

In Chester you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the City walls and before midnight.

Wikipedia Fact…

The England love tradition and to this day still enjoy Morris Dancing, cheese rolling and being eliminated from major football tournaments on penalties.

Winston Churchill

National Hero…

Winston Churchill.

I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.

Three days after becoming Prime Minister on May 10 1940, Churchill’s morale-boosting war-time speech set the tone for the Allied victory over Nazi Germany and is not to be confused with England manager Roy Hodgson’s ‘I have nothing to offer’ half-time team talk.

Churchill was an old pro at media-friendly soundbytes long before soundbytes, TV or indoor toilets were invented. His ‘We shall fight on the beaches, on the landing grounds, in the fields and in the streets … is usually taken a little too literally by soccer hooligans once England get dumped out of tournaments, ‘early doors’.

Football Pedigree…

Claimed to have invented the game but practically every other country has stolen the copyright.

Since winning the trophy on home soil in 1966 (they didn’t have to qualify) England have underperformed on the international stage despite being given handy qualification groups that needed little winning.

A semi-final defeat to Germany on penalties at World Cup ‘90 is the closest they’ve come to reaching another World Cup final in a game that set a worrying trend.

Five of the Three Lions’ last nine tournament defeats (Italia 90, Euro 96, France 98, Euro 2004 and the 2006 World Cup in Germany) have come at the wrong end of a penalty shoot-out, while their 2010 hopes in South Africa ended in a controversial 4-1 defeat to Germany.

Acceptable National Stereotype…

Proud, Independent, world beaters 

Unacceptable National Stereotype

Xenophobic, lager lout, penalty missers

Don’t be surprised if they…

Struggle with honest endeavour but with tactics as unimaginative as Jose Mourinho’s past Italy, Uruguay and Costa Rica in Group D before the ‘Curse of the Penalty’ strikes again in the quarter-finals.

Odds to win World Cup 2014…

33/1

Carry the fight to Paddy with England’s latest World Cup odds on desktop | mobile

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