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World Cup 2014 – A spoofer’s guide to…Russia

by Rob Dore | May 29, 2014

Fun Fact

In Russia there are 9 million more women than men. This one is more fun for the men than the women.
A bonus and not technically Russian fact: Mikhail Gorbachev, who was the final official leader of the Soviet Union, released an album of romantic Russian ballads in 2009. It’s better than George Bush jrs painting efforts but it’s equally weird and unsettling.

Wikipedia Fact

Ivan the Terrible was crowned as the first Tsar of Russia in 1547. There is some confusion over the English interpretation of his name which is more accurately translated from Russian as Ivan the Great or Ivan the Formidable. In 1581 Ivan beat his wife’s son so badly he caused her to have a miscarriage. When his son protested Ivan killed his own son with a staff. Ivan the F*****g Terrible it is so.

National Hero

If you currently live in Russia then the state-approved answer is Vladimir Putin. Who in no way tries to compensate for being a bit of a short-arse by constantly being pictured topless whilst hunting, riding a horse or just standing around being awesome and manly.
If you’re free to answer honestly it’s more likely to be someone like Alexander Nevsky, a medieval prince who fought off Swedish and German invaders in the 13th century and was voted as Russia’s greatest hero by a national tv station in 2008. Apparently receiving 99% of the votes ahead of Putin, who received only 98% of the votes. Yeah we know the numbers don’t make sense but it’s safer not to question them.

Football Pedigree

Back when they were the USSR it was pretty damn good. Four European Championship finals including winning the trophy in 1960, two Olympic golds, a fourth place finish in the World Cup in 1966 as well as regular appearances in the knock-out stages.

Thanks to Ronald Regan the talent pool was divided and since the early 90s Russia has managed one European Championship semi-final, the only time they’ve progressed past the group stage in either of the major competitions.

Acceptable National stereotype

Tough, drink vodka like water and everything in Russia is filled with increasingly smaller versions of itself.

Unacceptable National Stereotype

They’ll swap babies, limbs or their own grandmothers to get themselves into a pair of Levi 501s. Real Coca-Cola can be traded for sexual favours in Moscow.

They add vodka to the water system to ensure all Russians develop a high tolerance for their national alcohol.

They’re very homophobic. This may be true, what with the whole banning of gayness, but apparently we’re not supposed to say anything because that’d be homophobicphobic. Bloody political correctness.

Odds to win World Cup 2014: 66/1

To back Russia or, knowing their policy on getting behind people, to Putin your money on someone else check out the World Cup odds here:
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