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World Cup 2014: A spoofer’s guide to … Holland

by Aidan Elder | June 4, 2014

Fun Fact…

Despite being used interchangeably, the terms ‘Holland’ and ‘the Netherlands’ actually refer to slightly different things. If say Holland, you are actually talking about a region which is roughly a quarter of the country’s area and is home to the cities of Amsterdam, Rotterdam and The Hague. If you correct someone for using the term Holland by telling them they should say The Netherlands, you are actually talking about the fact you’re a bit of a knob who needs to make other people feel stupid in order to boost your own ego.

Wikipedia ‘Fact’…

The Dutch are on average, the tallest nation in the world. The average height for a man is six foot and half an inch while for a woman, it’s a touch under five foot seven. As a result, Tom Cruise has never released a film in the country due to the requirement to undertake promotional activities. He has said he is willing to visit the country on the understanding that ‘all the men attach shoes to their knees and walk around like that’ and ‘all the women stop wearing high heels and crouch down a little bit’ for the duration of his stay. The Dutch interior ministry has consistently refused this request and as yet, the Dutch people have never experienced the latent homo-eroticism of Top Gun.

National Hero…

There’s no shortage of painters and free thinkers across various categories who can lay claim to the title of being Holland’s icon. Obviously, there’s Steve McClaren. Vincent van Gogh painted some of the most famous paintings in the world and has had a profound influence on art. And he also cut his own ear off – the mad bastard. Before him, Jan Vermeer and Rembrandt van Rijn were highly influential on the visual arts. That’s all well and good, but did they ever promise to suck all their Twitter followers off? Unlikely and for those reasons, the accolade goes to Bobbi Eden, Dutch adult entertainment actor and star of such highbrow entertainment as Rear End Enthusiasts and Blow Me Sandwich 3. She promised all of her Twitter followers a blowjob if Holland won the 2010 World Cup. Unfortunately for creepy keyboard Casanovas of the world, the Dutch team’s constant hacking of the Spanish players wasn’t enough to win them the competition, sparing Eden a very sore jaw and – we’re guessing – a small fortune in Zovirax.

Football Pedigree…

The Dutch consider themselves to be footballing aristocracy. That may be the case, but judging by their trophy haul, these days, they’re fairly low level aristocracy – the ones who still need to make ends make by running a mail order stationery business on the side to finance all their tweed jackets and pheasant shooting. After finally twigging what this football lark was all about in the 1970s, they’ve been regulars at the business end of World Cups and European Championships – seeing anything less than reaching a semi-final as some sort of existential crisis in which they examine every aspect of their being and philosophy. Despite their influence and incredible production line of immensely talented players who tend to get very moody when things aren’t going their way, Euro 88 remains the only senior trophy in their cabinet, meaning they’ve had to live off the smug sense of superiority for over a quarter of a century. And that doesn’t last forever – just ask any Liverpool fan.

Acceptable National Stereotype…

Independent thinkers who have made valuable cultural contributions to humankind

Unacceptable National Stereotype…

Self-important hippies. Like way more self-important than normal hippies

Don’t be surprised if they…

Look really slick and like potential winners in the group stages before losing meekly in the quarter-finals amid rumours of all the players hating each other

Odds to win World Cup 2014: 30/1

Holland always seem to have a Dutch of class, but are the Oranje your main squeeze for the World Cup?


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