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World Cup 2014 – A spoofer’s guide to … South Korea

by Aidan Elder | June 5, 2014

Fun Fact…

In South Korea, Valentine’s Day is all about the men. In a strange twist on the strange western convention, it’s the women who have to buy the presents and it’s the men who have to feign interest in a shitty box of chocolates, some overpriced flowers and pretend they weren’t expecting an iPad instead. The smugness doesn’t last long however because precisely one month later on March 14, the shitty chocolates and flowers are on the other foot. It’s the man’s turn to feel socially obligated to buy the crappy presents, only this time, they’ve to spend three times as much! Great idea if you can convince the missus all you want as a present is wild, kinky sex, not so much if she buys you something remotely expensive.

Wikipedia ‘Fact’…

While it’s often thought that the subject Psy’s massive global hit, ‘Gangnam Style’ is a type of dance that originated from the area of Seoul it shares it’s name with, in actual fact, it’s a reference to a very niche sexual act which originated from the locality, along the lines of ‘doggy style’. If you visit the red light district of Gangnam, find an accommodating lady of the night and request some ‘Gangnam style’ action, she’ll promptly drop your trousers and underpants and attempt to bring you to climax with the use of just a Bic lighter, six Pringles and a packet of figs, all the while humming ‘The Wind Beneath My Wings’.

National Hero…

We’d like to say the aforementioned Psy for his services to one-hit wonders and dance moves that everyone knows now but in a couple of years will be like ‘wait … that the one where we ride the horse or do the ketchup thing with our hands?’. UN Secretary General, Ban Ki Moon could feel aggrieved not to get the nod, as could John Cho – aka MILF Guy 2 from the American Pie movies or Harold from Harold and Kumar Get The Munchies. Instead, it looks like Admiral Yi Sun-shin is the real national hero, mostly for kicking Japan’s ass on the high-seas. He also invented the Turtle Ship apparently, a ship so good it fell almost entirely out of use by the start of the 19th Century.

Football Pedigree…

South Korea are comparative giants of the Asian federation, but on the global stage, that’s about as helpful as being labelled ‘the most musically gifted member of The Wanted’. Since 1986, they’ve been regulars at the World Cup and in the majority of cases, regulars on the first flight home. A lot of their struggles stem from the fact that from 1954 to 2002, they amassed a record of P14 W0 D4 L10 at the World Cup.

That’s so bad even Scotland can laugh at it. It’s got better since. They were narrowly defeated in the semi-final of the 2002 World Cup, but if you’re Italian, that was down to favouritism shown to the co-host nation. Italians complaining about rigged matches? Clearly irony monitors are all on the blink in Italy. The Spanish weren’t happy with how their game was reffed either. And neither was pretty much anyone else they played that year. It’s quite a conspiracy.

Acceptable National Stereotype…

Quirky, yet hard-working types who still find time to let their hair down.

Unacceptable National Stereotype…

Just as mental as the North Koreans, only better at hiding it.

Don’t be surprised if they…

Get you going ‘God – with a couple more players, they could be a really decent team’ before they get knocked out at the group stage.

Odds to win World Cup 2014: 80/1

To bet on South Korea, or not and just look at all the World Cup odds, Gangnam Style your way over here:

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