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World Cup 2014: A spoofer’s guide to … USA

by Aidan Elder | June 6, 2014

Fun Fact…

If you’re American and afraid that you’re witty quip on Twitter about the latest plot twist or set of tits on Game of Thrones will be lost forever to cyberspace, never fear because for some vaguely mental reason, the US Library of Congress are archiving every tweet ever sent by an American for posterity. In a bid to not make the rest of the world feel left out, they’ve also kindly decided to archive pretty much every tweet, email or phone call made by everyone else in the world. Thank you NSA.

Wikipedia ‘Fact’…

You probably can’t tell unless you’ve been there, but there are broken chains at the feet of the Statue of Liberty that stands proudly in New York Harbour. The urban myth is that these chains represent freedom and breaking free from the shackles of colonial rule, but in actual fact, it’s because the sculptor wanted to convey the fact she was a bit of a kinky bitch and she loved that sort of stuff.

National Hero…

It’s the greatest nation on earth!!! Where do we begin with the national heroes? Well, not with Ronald Reagan is what we’d say, but that’s apparently not the view of 2.4 million Americans who took part in a 2005 survey by the Discovery Channel and AOL to find who is the greatest American ever. That’s ‘ever’ as in: OF. ALL. TIME.

He finished ahead of George Washington, revolutionary and one of the founding fathers of the entire nation; Abraham Lincoln who abolished slavery; Martin Luther King who led the civil rights movement; Elvis Presley who basically invented modern music and Bill Clinton, who invented a new and exciting use for cigars. And Oprah. She’s just great. In his defence, Reagan was excellent when staring as Professor Peter Boyd in Bedtime For Bonzo – a hilarious caper involving a psychologist who hires woman to pretend she’s his wife in order to prove they can teach a chimpanzee morals and human ways.
Fake relationship?
Paying a woman to play out a role?
Teaching a monkey to do human stuff?
Sounds a bit creepy by 21st Century standards, but we’re sure it happened all the time in the 1950s. Plus, Cristiano Ronaldo was named in honour of him, which is frankly quite mental.

Football Pedigree…

For years, football struggled to make an impact in the competitive sporting environment of the States, but with the success of MLS and David Beckham posing in his underpants, that has slowly begun to change. Accordingly to statistics released at the end of 2013, soccer is now the 17th most popular sport in the country, moving ahead of Pee Wee Buffalo Riding and Beach Tobogganing, but still lagging behind the nation’s favourites – Drive By Shootings and Thanking An Omnipotent God For Stuff That Looks Planned But Is In Fact Just The Latest Step In The Biological Randomness That Is Life And Human Civilisation. They beat England in 1950, something they rarely stop banging on about and got to the semi-final of the very first World Cup in 1930. They got to the quarter-finals in 2002, but largely its been group stage or second round exits. It says rather a lot that some of their biggest impacts at the tournament have come via outlandish haircuts – Alexi Lalas and Cobi Jones come to mind.

Acceptable National Stereotype…

A modern, progressive people who are the result of a melting pot of cultures at the forefront of humankind’s social, cultural and technological development.

Unacceptable National Stereotype…

Obese yokels who believe an old man in the sky controls everything in the universe and shooting people is a suitable way to end disputes – both local and international.

Don’t be surprised if they…

Go out at the group stages, fail to realise it’s because they were in a really tough group and disband the MLS in favour of a new MLB – Major League Buffalo-riding

Odds to win World Cup 2014: 200/1

Backing the US will probably leave you saying Yanks for nothing, but you’ll find all the World Cup betting and markets over this way:

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