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Not Big Sam: Football predictions? Manchester City will flop in Europe like big titties

A challenging moment in his friendship with Mike Oldfield yields a valuable lesson on the Premier League as our columnist gives his opinion on each of the 20 clubs. Now read on...

by Not Big Sam | August 13, 2014

The toughest period throughout my 30-year friendship with Mike Oldfield was undoubtedly when he decided to communicate solely via the oboe.

“Was Moonlight Shadow really about Des O’Connor?” I once asked, as we lay lazily in our beanbags, smoking a pair of big ol’ doobies.

DOOOH DEEEE DAAAA DOOOO-DOOOO DAAAAAH DEEEEE.

“F*ck sake, Mick, say something, mate. I don’t speak this kind of jive.”

DOOOOOOOOOOOO DAAAAAAA DAA-DEE-DOOO DOOOOO

“You’re tearing me apart.”

It was a uniquely frustrating time, and one that gave me a frightening glimpse into the mind of an artist. The one silver lining, however, was that I learned quite a bit about the oboe, which has since become my favourite member of the double reed woodwind family. It really is a beautiful instrument; clear, penetrating, rasping and robust. Its range of notes is a model of simplicity and order – upper register, middle register and lower register. Much like the hierarchy seen in the Premier League, in fact.

Here is my forecast for the final Premier League table of the upcoming 2014/15 Premier League season.

Manuel PellegriniTwitter

1. Man City – Top dogs. If this was a dog show they’d be those big fluffy bastards, with shaved hoops, hulking shoulders and lean midriffs. A beast of both elegance and steel. They’ll still flop like big titties in Europe, though.

2. Chelsea – Mourinho looked bored for much of last season. He had the permanent expression of an impotent man who still gets smug over how big his plonker is. He’s done.

3. Liverpool – Suarez may be gone, but Raheem Sterling looks to be on the verge of superstardom. He also looks like a baby reindeer. An urban one. I can say urban, can’t I? Can’t say anything anymore. Don’t get me bloody started on the MOBOs.

4. Arsenal – I like Sanchez. I’m convinced he’d make a really convincing mildly-attractive woman that gets overrated because of her Latino charm. That’s better than most men can muster. Wenger’s lot are still soft as shite, though.

david-moyes_genius

5. Manchester United – Van Gaal will certainly do a better job than Moysie, but that’s not really saying much. Iggle Piggle in the centre of the dressing room, standing perfectly still, blank-eyed and swinging a f*cking paddle ball would have inspired that squad more than Davey-Boy did.

6. Spurs – I really like Pochettino’s little face. He looks like the funky dad at school, who wears Converse and listens to 6 Music. Needs a striker, though. Adebayor is an actual slag.

7. Everton – Barkley signing a new contract was a massive boost for Roberto and co. I’ve heard he spends at least 19 hours a day with his mouth open, but you can’t deny that boy has stars in his shoes.

8. Newcastle – We’re really getting to the ‘ah, who gives a shit’ stage of the table now aren’t we? Some black lad will get goal of the month and ensure Pardew (below) survives another season. As an aside, Henry Winter told me that Mike Ashley can – and does – milk his own breasts. Don’t know why he’d lie.

pardew_charlton

9. Stoke – I thought they might go down last season, but Mark Hughes proved me wrong, and not for the first time either. I once started a house fire in frustration because he wouldn’t believe me that Mike and the Mechanics died on 9/11. He kept calm and took me to one of their gigs in Tamworth. ‘Over My Shoulder’ was just magnificent that night.

10. Hull – Brucey has done well at Hull. He knows how to motivate his players. He has this thing called a ‘Brucey Bonus’ that he delivers in the dressing room straight after a win. Nobody knows what they are, but they’re in there for up to two hours after the game has finished. You can see candlelight if you peek under the door, and there’s a faint whiff of incense. You can’t hear a sound, though. I’m bloody intrigued, truth be told.

11. West Ham – This is a tough one. I’m a dreamer. A dream bloody weaver. I look to the stars before the start of every season, but this season is going to be tough. I’m cornered. The owners are holding the Sword of Damocles over my head. Actually, knowing them it’s probably a big, wobbly dildo. Still f*cking perilous, though.

12. Crystal Palace – Tony Pulis has one baseball cap that no-one is allowed to touch. He won’t say what it’s made of, but he goes f*cking mental if you ever look at it. I genuinely think it’s human skin. He’s made Palace a really tricky side to play.

Gus Poyet

13. Sunderland – I love listening to Gus Poyet speak. He’s like that guy from the Fast Show. Remember him? The Spanish-speaking guy. “Ethethethethetheth, ethehethethetheth, ethethetheth, Chris Waddle!” Bloody sublime. Just pure, simple gags week after week. Top notch.

14. Southampton – They’ve been pillaged this summer like a sleepy village replete with gold and fine, virginal wenches, but they’ll still do alright. Can you be a virginal wench? A wench is a slag, isn’t it? The complexities of the English language still leaves me in awe. Rich and enchanting.

15. QPR – It’s lovely to see Harry back in the big time. Back where he belongs. Bringing Rio with him too. That’s nice. Like a nice old couple who’ve gone, hand in hand, to stare out at the ocean one last time. Before they die.

16. Swansea – Garry Monk looks like a pub landlord with a murky past. Demons. He’ll pull you a cracking pint of mild, but his eyes are somewhere else. Darting. Searching. Checking. Someone’s after him. But who? And more importantly… why?

17. Aston Villa – I once went into an Argos in High Wycombe and 25 minutes later came out with a Soda Stream, a BaByliss keratin hair straightener and a chocolate lolly maker, and it was still a more successful bout of business than Aston Villa have managed this summer. Bellends.

QUESTIONABLE TEMPERAMENT: Aston Villa assistant Roy almost cracks a smile during a press conference (pic: Inpho)

QUESTIONABLE TEMPERAMENT: Aston Villa assistant Roy almost cracks a smile during a press conference (pic: Inpho)

18. West Brom – Here we are. The last three plops in the potty. Alan Irvine is a very risky appointment. He looks like a friendly but increasingly marginalised local DIY store owner, who watches helplessly as chain stores destroy his very way of life. They’re gone.

19. Leicester – The Foxes did well last season, but they’re in with the big boys now. Last season they were feasting on little rabbits and the odd door mouse. Now they’re up against UKIP members on massive f*cking horses, with hordes of shroomed-up beagles baying for their blood. These omnivorous mammals belonging to several genera of the Canidae family are gonna get got.

20. Burnley – Hardly surprising, but I’m picking Burnley to prop up the entire table. They can go back to doing what they do best. Whatever that is. F*cking witchcraft probably. A very odd place. I once went shopping in Burnley while I was at Blackburn, and I met a man who looked just like me, but with a hump and a glass eye. The spitting image he was. Apart from the defects. It really upset me.

Not Big Sam is a parody account on Twitter which can be found here. It is in no way related to Sam Neill, Sam Adams, Sam Allardyce or Sam Fox.

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