Tis the season … for picking out really tacky, cheaply made tat and trying to pass it off as a sing of your affection for someone.
No-one quite does tacky crap quite like the football clubs of the world. You need to fund the wages of that chubby flop who sits on the bench week in week out somehow and if it involves sticking a crest on about 20p of Chinese plastic, calling it a ‘souvenir’ and charging 15 quid a pop for it, then they’re happy to do it.
Once again, they haven’t disappointed this year. We’ve had a look through some of the online club shops and picked out our favourite pieces of tat from the UK and around the world. Enjoy. Enjoy but please don’t think ‘wow – that’s a great idea’.
#1 Norwich Crested Clothes Pegs – £6
“Yes, your mum does support Norwich, but you’ve ruined Christmas.”
#2 Everton USB Adabptor Plug – €21
There really is nothing football clubs won’t stick a logo on and try to flog. We can see the use of an adaptor and very often find ourselves in need of one. What we don’t require as we’re desperately trying to the last few seconds of juice out of our phones so we can prolong our overly ambitious Tinder-stalking is that adaptor to be Everton branded and cost about four times as much as a normal adaptor. Now plug it in, I’ve got a feeling Lucy from Telford is going to get back to me any second now.
P.S. We thought an ‘Adabptor’ plug was some cool new technology we’d never heard of, but no, that’s a typo. According to Google, the Adabptor only exists on Everton’s website.
#3 Crystal Palace ‘Choose Palace’ T-shirt – £15
Remember that semi-famous speech from that movie from 18 years ago that has absolutely no connection to Crystal Palace whatsoever? Yes, so do we. In a possibly the finest piece of delayed and non-sensical band-wagon-jumping we’ve ever seen, Palace have decided to link that speech to fan merchandise. For no reason at all. We look forward to next year’s ‘WHAAAAAAASSSSSSSUUUPPPPPP?’ version which actually comes with a free t-shirt that reads ‘Neil Warnock’s time at the club’.
#4 Chelsea Thong – was €17 NOW €11
– Hello Judith? It’s your agent here. I’ve landed lingerie-modelling gig for you. Can you get some time off from the Carphone Warehouse?
– Oh cool. Who’s it with? Victoria’s Secret?
– Er … no.
– Em … try again.
– Hmmm. Tough one … Marks and Sparks? Have they finally realised Myleene Klass looks like a very plastic sex doll?
– No. It’s Chelsea. The football club. This Thursday.
– Oh. That’s weird, but ok. A man said he wanted to come back in on Thursday to buy a HTC Desire off me, but that never happens so I think he may have been taking the piss. Yeah, I’ll do it.
– Excellent. One more thing – could you make a big effort to look less anemic and vacant this time around?
– I’ll try, but I’m promising nothing.
There are many thing to like about the Chelsea thong. The fact it’s reduced; the fact they’ve only got size XL left; the fact the model looks forlornly to the side as she realises this may be the peak of her modelling career; the fact it looks about as sexually arousing as a mouldy dog turd – it’s all excellent. This narrowly edged out the Fernando Torres t-shirt now down to just £11.09 from £11.88 – landing you a whopper saving of £0.79 if you fancy celebrating Chelsea’s most famous flop.
#5 Toon Tottie costume – Was £32.99 NOW £17.00
Holy f*ck, Newcastle!! What did you do – let Sepp Blatter design the kit for the ladies’ team? Jesus!
I don’t know what’s worse – the fact the club actually sell these or the fact they’ve only got a few left. The hat is not included sadly however it does come with a free sense of ‘what the f*ck am I doing with my life? I was supposed to be in a happy long-term relationship at this age’.
#1 Benfica Gold Medal – €2,706
NEARLY €3,000?!! What are they drinking down in Lisbon??
We can see the attraction in having a slick-looking gold medal celebrating your club’s 33rd league title win emblazoned with the club’s logo sitting on your mantelpiece. We can’t see the attraction of paying nearly three grand for it. We would say this is the least value for money football related transaction of the year, but then we remembered Brendan Rodger’s activity during the off-season.
#2 Corinthians electric BBQ skewer – R$99.90 (€29.80 + P&P)
“Hmmmm … I do love Corinthians of Sao Paulo and I like to show it, but I also love barbecuing, particularly the rotisserie sub-genre of the cooking method. If only there was a product that served both of these needs”
Spotting that presumably tiny segment of the market, the club offer this weird electric skewer thing. Yes it looks like a really shitty lightsabre, but it’s not. And you thought it was only the players who liked a bit of spit-roasting in their downtime.
#3 Bayern Munich Snuff – €2.20
Bayern Munich seem like a fun club. Or if not fun, at least less up their own arses than a lot of clubs. They send their players to Oktoberfest wearing lederhosen, get Thomas Muller to pose in a variety of amusing ways for the club shop website and they have 11 different varieties of rubber duck for sale. They even sale snuff. A ballsy move in today’s ‘hating on tobacco’ world. ‘Not suitable for children’ warns the club website, a similar message that accompanies Franck Ribery’s profile page.
#4 Galatasaray Fatih Terim Crystal Block – €2.20
“Oh thanks. You know of my massive love for Galatasaray so you went and got me this crystal block thing of … em … who is that? Joe Pesci in Home Alone?”
Well, that’s probably not what a die-hard Galatasaray fan would say when unwrapping this particular bundle of joy on Christmas Day, but it might well encapsulate the sentiment. In fairness, Fatih Terim is a club legend, guiding the Istanbul club to six league titles and being a regular Champions League pain in the arse. In less fairness, he’s not a handsome man and crystal block things are no an elegant way of immortalising a club legend. In remains to be seen if you’d be more disappointed by the club’s UEFA Cup Magic Rectangle Crystal which appears to just be a Magic Rectangle Crystal commemoration of their 2000 UEFA Cup win.
#5 Boca Juniors Rosary Beads – AR€579 (GBP £55.10)
God definitely loves your team more than all the others. Really. That’s why you always win. Always.