Wow. What a year that was. That was incredible. So much better than other years. Piss off 1992 – how many highly amusing Justin Bieber meltdowns did you give us? None. Get out of town. Oh wait, you already did, 22 years ago. And what did you do for us 1995? You took Robbie out of Take That – that’s what. We never want to see your chubby face again.
It’s been a great year for Paddy Power customers as our desperate attempts to get you to like us reached colossal new heights. We’ve been throwing around special offers, mischief and generousity in order to get your approval like Russell Brand throws around claims he’s the new Messiah.
Couldn’t care less about us blowing our own trumpets? Too bad because we’re doing it anyway. And we’ve developed technology that means once you’ve started reading this, you can’t exit or carry on living your life until you get to the end. Honestly. Don’t try to or something bad we haven’t decided yet will happen.
Here’s the to 12 things we’ve done in 2014 that hopefully made you smi …. WAIT! WE’VE FIGURED OUT THE BAD THING THAT HAPPENS TO YOU! If you don’t read to the bottom of this blog, we’ll send Cliff Richard around to your house who will sing ‘Misteltoe and Wine’ and ‘The Millennium Prayer’ until you read every word. Hell, we might even get him to do ‘Lucky Lips’ if we’re feeling really nasty. Here we go.
#1 Extra Places up the Ying Yang
Who wants an extra place? Here’s one for you. Here’s one for you and here’s one for you!
EXTRA PLACES FOR EVERYBODY!
In 2014, we had over 200 of the little buggers, mainly on golf and horse racing. It makes it much more likely that you can land a winning each way bet – hopefully at big odds. If you haven’t benefited, you should probably start picking better bets.
#2 Our World Cup Goalscorer offer
At this year’s World Cup, we ran an offer precisely in the mould of the ‘F*cking hell – IT’S THE WORLD CUP’ hysteria that gripped us. If you backed a player in the Top Goalscorer market, we’d give you a Free €5 bet for everytime the player scored again. It cost us an absolute fortune and punters loved it. Well, the punters who didn’t back any Spanish players loved it at least. We did something similar in the Premier League Top Goalscorer market and things went mad again. When do we learn? Never. We’re doing it for Cheltenham on horses too.
#3 We gave the Amazon a Brazilian
Ha ha! We didn’t really. It was just a hilarious joke. We got you. Such japes.
#4 Our Football Acca Bonus
Landing a big acca on the football is one of the finest things someone can do. Well, it’s not curing cancer or removing James Blunt’s vocal chords, but it’s a very nice feeling nonetheless. We made that feeling even better with our Acca Bonus for winning accas with four or more legs. Throughout the year, it meant that we gave customers a lot of free money that we didn’t have to. We’d go into to more detail, but we can. It’s a seven-figure sum though – not counting anything after the decimal point. And it’s not one of those numbers that creeps over six figures and sneaks into the lower reaches of seven figure sums. It’s a big number.
#5 Money-Back Specials
Among all these new ways of giving you money, we’re sticking with our trusted friend, the good old Money-Back Special. You can now pick your own Money-Back Special for loads of events throughout the year. In total, we offered over 500 Money-Back offers in 2014. It cost us a big number that again we can’t reveal. Think of a number. Multiply it by seven. Square it. Add it to the hypotenuse. Calculate the radius and multiply your number by its reciprocal number. Times it by π plus the size of the obtuse angle. Then take away nine. Yeah, that’s it.
#6 Guaranteed Prices on horse racing
Like Hugh Hefner banging Playboy bunnies, this has been an old reliable, quietly yet comprehensively going about its business in the background. It normally adds some tasty, tasty money to winning bets so although we don’t spend a lot of money banging on about it, it’s a nice little trick to have in your punting back pocket.
#7 We brought Sir Alex Ferguson back to Old Trafford
Well, not Fergie per se, just a waxwork of him that sort of looks like Hitler’s less intimidating cousin. It was huge and David Moyes got sacked not long after. He’s now busy ruining a club in Spain, we made people laugh, the Fergie waxwork is scaring people in the reception of our London office. Everybody’s a winner. Except maybe Real Sociedad.
#8 We paid out on Chelsea to win the Premier League (in November)
When it happened, Chelsea were an all-conquering powerhouse who looked like they’d take the league title by about 15 points. Then they made Newcastle look like the league’s Harlem Globetrotters and now we’re not so sure. Anyway, it landed a load of cash in punters’ accounts long before it was supposed to happen and no doubt will keep making ill-advised decisions well into 2015.
#9 Nigel Farage swings for Europe
Nigel Farage likes the European Union about as much as Bob Geldolf likes thinking up new and inventive ways to harness people’s generousity around Christmas time – not much. So naturally enough, we decided to make him front and centre of our Ryder Cup campaign. Well ‘centre’ may not be the right word to use, but you get the point.
Some people got angry at us for giving a man with a dubious personality and suspect political ideas. We said ‘no, we said Nigel Farage, not Ed Milliband’.
#10 Holy f*ck!! Is that Paul Scholes? And Stephen Hawking??
We’re quite used to making headlines in the front pages, but in 2014 we made ourselves more and more at home in the sports pages thanks to the stories we broke on the blog. Paul Scholes was the biggie. We signed him up as our big name columnist for the World Cup and his views stirred things up. His forthright views travelled round tinternet and even got brought up at an England press conference during the tournament. We’ve also got Stephen Hawking to crunch the numbers and find out that England probably wouldn’t win the World Cup. He nailed that one in fairness. We should probably pay more attention to his work on black hole radiation and not keep promoting our own theory about ‘invisible gravity-eating space-ducks’. Throughout the year, we’ve also heard headline making opinions from Ruby Walsh, Neville Southall, Irvine Welsh, Andy Gray and Gareth Thomas and less headline making, but incredibly amusing stuff from Not Big Sam.
#11 We have the best tech nerds
Our tech output during the year has been incredible. Incredible considering this year saw the release of Guardians of the Galaxy, Interstellar and a new series of The Big Bang Theory – the show that gives nerds everywhere the vague hope that one day they could land an implausibly hot girlfriend. Or come up with a witty joke in public. Thanks to these socially awkward geniuses, in 2014 we introduced Cash Out, improved our iPad app no end, finally launched our new betting-in-running football pages, and constantly developed our smartphone apps to make them award-winning and best in class.
#12 Pssst, over in Paddy Power’s games division
If you too have ambitions to be in the next Ocean’s Eleven remake, or you simply enjoy pretending you’re in Las Vegas, then our games division is for you. There’s no danger of marrying a hooker, or being caught wrestling Mike Tyson’s tiger, but there is a distinct possibility of pocketing a load of cash from the comfort of your own couch. In 2014 there was almost 40 jackpot wins worth a staggering €4,239,995 exactly. JD from Northern Ireland took Paddy for the most cash, with a £442,000 win on the Genie Jackpots.
#13 We’re not going to stop
What does 2015 have in store for us? Well, we’d like to think Michelle Keegan has made a terrible mistake getting with Mark Wright and she’ll storm into the office one day professing her undying love for us. That’s very unlikely so we’ll probably just spend our timing thinking up outlandish ways to keep you happy. More Money-Back Specials, more offers, more payouts, better value than the rest, and more of the good stuff – it all adds up to more money in your pocket. And hopefully we’ll have a few laughs along the way.