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Everything must go at Manchester United! Louis van Gaal’s winter sale starts today courtesy of Paddy Power

The mischief makers in Power Tower have been up to their usual tricks again with the help of an abandoned shop front and some prosthetic masks

by Josh Powell | December 31, 2014

It’s the New Year which means only one thing, the start of the January transfer window, hurrah!

To kick off this year’s transfer shenanigans, the mischief department in Paddy Power has today opened its own Van Gaal winter sales shop – helping to drum up business for Louis and hopefully clear out some of his dodgy, but pricey dressing room stock.

Whilst Man United might currently be sitting pretty 3rd in the table, it’s fair to say some of Louis’ squad are hardly firing on all cylinders. The exclusive store in Manchester has the best of United’s bargain buys for anyone in the market for a player who’s definitely seen their sell by date.

We were told the shop front we were buying was a prime piece of real estate on Manchester's high street. We were done up a kipper.

We were told the shop front we were buying was a prime piece of real estate on Manchester’s high street. We were done up a kipper.

Who’s up for grabs? Well Louis has done all he can with Ashley Young and at a whopping cost of £117k a week for the pleasure.  At best Young gives cameo style performances, with a strike rate that wouldn’t even worry a Sunday league side – averaging a goal for every 10 hours he plays.  Plus with Rojo, Luke Shaw and Daley Blind all waiting in the wings, now seems the perfect time for the Dutchman to flog this over-valued turkey.

Then there’s not so clever Tom Cleverley, who after only three Premier League goals and four assists since he debuted in the league for the Red Devils, will hardly be surprised if he’s shown United’s back door once and for all this January.

Young and Cleverley aside the absolute dead weight (in more ways than one), is the £20 million, £60k a week, larger than life benchwarmer Anderson.  He’s made only five Premier League starts in the last two seasons, averaging a goal and in fact just an assist every seven hours and 54 minutes – hardly a keeper!

Anderson's best position - at the front of the queue in the chipper

Anderson’s best position – at the front of the queue in the chipper. Wahaay! Am I right guys?

Paddy Power said “Van Gaal has some top talent in his squad but there’s a hell of a lot of dead wood too. We were hoping the sale would get people interested but business has been pretty slow so far.  If anyone wants Anderson it looks like they’ll need to grease the doorframe and dangle a pasty to get him out at this rate.”

Combined the trio have managed just 16 goals in over 245 hours of football – that’s more than 10 days of football and less than twenty goals between them!

Here’s how we put the mischief together – starting off with some very high-tech prosthetic masks…

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‘Young’ and ‘Cleverley’ wait patiently for ‘Anderson’ who is getting into character early by holding everyone one else up and generally being quite lazy. It also appears that we set up this stunt in some kind of abandoned warehouse. Health and safety would have a field day with that gas cylinder there.

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This lady was trying to get her hoover repaired at the appliance shop which was next door. She ended up buying Cleverley – after all they both suck. (I’m here all week)

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The Neptune chipper promised us free lunch if we promoted their shop. Here you go lads, we’ll be eagerly anticipating our order – don’t hold back on the curry sauce.

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Paddy himself was quoted as saying, ‘There was some great method acting going on. Anderson was hitting the Haribo Starmix like a starving child while Cleverley was barely capable of standing in a shop window’. Oh the japes.

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