As we prepare for the Grand National this weekend, bear in mind that the Green Party manifesto pledges to ban the race, along with all other jump-racing and what they call “non-linear greyhound racing”.
This – even more than their plans to legalise membership of Al-Qaeda – is surely proof that they are Maoist infiltrators hell-bent on destroying the British way of life.
But if UKIP are the nemesis of the Greens, what populist policies might we see in their manifesto that would do the opposite, and put the Great back in Britain?
Here are my cost-free suggestions in 10 key areas, with the caveat that I don’t personally agree with all of them, just the ones I describe with obvious relish.
Policing: We already have the right to defend ourselves robustly if someone invades our homes. It’s time to extend the same right to pedestrians facing cyclists riding on the pavement or going through red lights. If they threaten your safety, you may use any means (and implements) you deem necessary to defuse that threat, whatever the consequences, no questions asked.
Economy: Britain is rightly hailed around the world for our love of booze, betting and seaside beanos. Put them all together and what have you got? Yes, casino resorts! Let’s bring jobs, money and business to our struggling coastal towns by giving them casino franchises. We’ll turn Lyme Regis into Las Vegas, and let the good times roll.
Immigration: Forget immigration, let’s focus our controls where they’re really needed: on tourists. If they insist on coming here, let them play by our rules: visas only issued after they pass tests on basic pavement etiquette; no access to public transport during rush hour; no school parties allowed full stop; and no bloody wheelie-bags or rucksacks.
Health: We don’t have to consult an electrician every time we change a lightbulb, so why must we ask a GP’s permission when we need some proper medicine? Whether it’s Voltarol, Viagra or Valium, let’s put it all on the pharmacy shelf so Britain can self-medicate in peace. That will also make it easier to get a GP appointment when people really need one.
Education: On their first day at secondary school, all boys will be marched into the assembly hall, have samples taken of their DNA, and receive a lecture from a local copper about the cast-iron certainty of them being nicked if they commit any subsequent crimes. They will return on a monthly basis until age 16 for a short brush cut from the school barber.
Transport: Why are we spending £50billion on high speed rail lines to London when you can’t even get a direct train from Shrewsbury to Stafford? Instead of even better services for those living in the biggest cities, let’s invest just half that money in improving transport links for the millions of people living in our nation’s towns.
Defence: It’s time to bring back the recruiting sergeants. Forget career days and job fairs; let the army’s moustache-twiddlers freely roam the nation’s playgrounds, prisons and housing estates, proactively identifying those troubled youngsters who could be turned around with a bit of discipline and direction, courtesy of HM Forces.
Culture: Let’s tear up the licensing laws: pub landlords should be free to do whatever they like whenever they like; open and close at the hours they please; sell whatever they want; and put on any entertainment they choose. This will only apply to independent pub landlords, as an advantage over soulless chain pubs.
Foreign Affairs: We spend £75million per year defending the Falklands. We can achieve the same objectives at a fraction of the cost simply by putting an undercover agent in a Buenos Aires bedsit armed with a small nuclear bomb, and informing the Argentine authorities of his presence. With this deterrent in place, our sheep may safely graze.
Welfare: Finally, any MP who uses derogatory language to describe recipients of state welfare (shirkers, scroungers, spongers, etc.) will immediately lose their job, pension and IPSA allowances and be frogmarched to the nearest job centre for a fit-for-work test, so they can see how it feels.
There you have it: 10 policies that would do UKIP’s election prospects no harm, so before they steal them for their manifesto next week, perhaps now’s the time to check their odds…