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Ashes 2015: A sledging competition between the gentlemen of England and Australia

Why can’t anyone drink wine in Australia at the moment? They don’t have any openers.

by David Lyons | July 6, 2015

In this month’s edition of ‘Copy and paste a few quotes’, we look at cricket, and in particular – The Ashes.

The gentleman’s baseball – cricket, must surely be the only game where you can put on weight while playing. Sorry, when I said cricket I meant baseball on valium.

“Cricket is the only competitive activity of any type, except perhaps baking, in which you can dress in white from head to toe and be as clean at the end of the day as you were at the beginning.” Bill Bryson.

The love shown between Australia and England when it comes to cricket is quite remarkable. So we’ve picked out our favourite quotes, pitted them against each other and tried to pick the winner of the 2015 Ashes. Ladies and gentlemen… we’ve got a quote off!


Round One – Phil Tufnell

“Oi, Tufnell, can I borrow your brain? I’m building an idiot.”
An Australian spectator to England spinner Phil Tufnell.

‘Are you bloody blind?’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘Are you fucking deaf as well?’
– Phil Tufnell has a small disagreement with the Umpire after an appeal was turned down.

‘Count them yourself, you Pommie c*nt.’
Umpires get their own back. Australian Peter McConnell replies to Phil Tufnell after the spinner asked how many balls were left in the over.

Phil Tufnell who can now be seen passing the time answering a few questions on sport on the tv programme eh… A Question of Sport, used to play a bit of cricket and receive plenty of abuse for it. We’ll give this one to the Australians because the building an idiot line is just top.

Australia 1 – 0 England

england cricket

Round Two – Bowling

‘You’ve got to bat on this in a minute, Tufnell. Hospital food suit you?’
– Aussie fast bowler Craig McDermott warns Phil Tufnell about the fast Perth pitch in 1991

‘No good hitting me there mate, nothing to damage.’
– England batsman Derek Randall is unphased after a bouncer from fast bowler Dennis Lillee hit him on the head.

McDermott’s line to Tufnell is just too witty, and Randall just gave himself the abuse so a clear win for the Aussies here.

Australia 2 – 0 England

ian botham

Round Three – Life outside of Cricket

‘So how’s your wife and my kids?’
– Aussie wicket keeper Rodney Marsh to Ian Botham.
‘The wife’s fine but the kids are retarded.’
Botham’s vintage response.

‘You’re shit Hayden, and so is your chicken casserole.’
– The English fans give as good back towards Aussie opening batsman Matthew Hayden, who had also just released a cookery book.

Botham’s reply all day long.

Australia 2 – 1 England

cricket balls

Round Four – Constructive criticism

“I can see why you are batting so badly, you’ve got some shit on the end of your bat”
At this point the batsman would usually flip his bat over and examine the end, to which Dennis Lillee would respond:
“Wrong end mate”. Comedy.

Upon James Ormond’s arrival at the crease Mark Waugh said . “F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.”
Ormond replied: “Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family.”

There’s nothing better than a bit of constructive criticism to help you improve, unfortunately I don’t think either of these are that helpful. But England win here thanks to Ormond’s very quick response.
Australia 2 – 2 England
ashes cricket 2009

Round Five – The final

Michael Atherton stood his ground during an appeal for a catch behind and at the end of the over and Ian Healy labelled him a “f*****g cheat”. To which Atherton simply replied: “When in Rome, dear boy.”

“You got an MBE, right? For scoring seven at the Oval? That’s embarrassing.”
Shane Warne lets Paul Collingwood, infamously awarded an MBE for playing one innings of the 2005 Ashes series, just what he thought of that accolade in the 2006-07 series.

Australia 3 – 2 England

To sum up how the English performed in this quote off is best left to Graham Gooch – “A fart competing with thunder”

The English are clearly disappointed with that result:

“Aussies are big and empty, just like their country.” – Ian Botham

“You can take them out of England but you can’t take the convict out of them.” – Jeremy Clarkson

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