Deadline Day approaches. Jim White and his yellow tie are on the horizon, but some of the top teams still have gaping holes in their squads. Man United need a new striker, goalkeeper, centre back, tea lady and bus driver. Arsenal need a new striker and a holding midfielder and Chelsea need a new person to blame.
The deadline is six o’clock on Tuesday giving teams less time to bring players in. Man City have gotten an early start on all the challengers leaving the other title challengers with holes to plug if they are to have any hope of catching City.
1. Man United – Need a Striker and a Goalkeeper
Man United need to sign a striker the same way the Westboro Baptist Church need to get laid and lighten up. Wayne Rooney scored a hat trick against Club Brugge in the Champions League and United fans were raving about him. Look he’s decent, but they need someone as cover and to, you know, actually score in the league. Edison Cavani would be the perfect signing. £35 million would be decent value for a player that’s going to score 25-30 goals a season.
Just let De Gea leave and use the money to sign another top class keeper. The entire fiasco has gotten totally out of control. Get £30 million for the lad and sign a decent keeper as a replacement. Hugo Lloris would be the best option. Knows the league, is a top keeper and wants to win trophies. The only problem is he’s French.
2. Arsenal – Need a striker and a holding midfielder
Jesus Christ Arsene Wenger why will you not sign a holding midfielder? Francis Coquelin had a decent season last year, but he’s not world class. Much as I hate to admit it Gary Neville was right when he said that Arsenal never replaced Patrick Vieira. Arsenal need a leader in the middle of the park who can slow a game down. They need a bit of steel in the side. Blaise Matuidi is the man for Arsenal and he’s French so how Wenger hasn’t signed him yet is a mystery.
Sign Benzema and you have a team that is going to do very, very well in the league. Arsenal haven’t had a player who has scored 30 goals since Henry. Benzema will score 30 goals a season. Everyone knows that Arsenal need a striker, but Arsene won’t spend on one because he’s cheaper than someone who robs out of Aldi.
3. Chelsea – Need a midfielder and a centre back
Last season’s champions need to do something. They’ve had an awful start to the season and a major part of that has been that Fabregas and Matic have been brutal so far. Paul Pogba is the man they need. Scores goals, can tackle, sprays passes and if Chelsea do sign him it’ll piss off United fans to no end which is always entertaining. Roman Abramovich has money coming out of his patchy beard so the £80 million fee should be like buying The Mirror to him.
John Terry is finished. I don’t care what people say. A young centre back to slot in beside Zouma for the future is what they need. Niklas Sule from Hoffenheim is the man they need. He’s quick, he’s strong, tackles like dog and he’s only 19 so Terry can’t shag his missus. £5-10 million would get him. Take off the zeros and that’s what Abramovich thinks the cost is.