‘Caviar, sir? It’s from the Loch Ness Monster.’
‘Would you like a drop of unicorn milk in your tea?’
‘Stick around – we’ve successfully reanimated the corpse of Joe Dolan and Phil Lynott to play a gig after the match’.
They’re just a few of things we’re imagining are being said around Croke Park in the run up to possibly the cha-chingiest weekend in the history of the GAA. With Mayo facing Dublin in a replay of their awful yet hugely entertaining All-Ireland Football Championship semi-final on Saturday and then Kilkenny battering Galway for another All-Ireland Hurling title on Sunday, the association will have a busy few days counting all the money that’s coming their way thanks to the nearly 200,000 fans likely to go through the turnstiles this weekend.
And just because many of those fans will be coming up from the country, Paddy Power are trying to make them more comfortable. ‘How Paddy? Through arranging free yet luxury travel for people making the journey? Maybe you’re going to pass around a ginormous platter of hang sandwiches and cocktail sausages at half-time? I know – you’re giving everyone going to the game a free mini bottle of Cadet Red Lemonade?’ you may well be asking right about now.
‘Er … not quite’ is what we’d be nervously answering in that hypothetical scenario, ‘how about Cousin-Shifting Boxes???!!!! Ya know, because everyone from the country shifts their cousin. LOLZ! We’re so funny.’
Yes, you read the correctly. Paddy Power have re-purposed several disused telephone boxes around Dublin’s fair city as a venue for romantic liaisons between people of the same bloodline. Conveniently, we’ve placed them around some of the places renowned for being popular with the bucks coming up from the country – Supermacs, Flannerys, Coppers – you know the drill. Here’s some pictures.
Outside Croke Park because culchies love drinking by canals and shifting, clearly:
Spokesperson for Paddy Power, Feilim MacUnPronouncable explained:
‘For the last decade, phone booths have been about as useful as Mayo’s trophy cabinet and we’re delighted to have not only found a good use for them but also provide an area for culchies to embrace in private’.
Funny that he forgot to mention he recently got a gold card from Coppers and this is a handy way of saying thank you by throwing some free publicity their way.
The funny thing is, we’re really having a laugh at the outdated stereotype of country folk rather than pointing an accusatory e-finger at the lovely people living outside the Pale. In actual fact, we don’t mind. Do whatever you want in the privacy of your own home. As long as it’s between consenting adults and no-one gets hurts – who cares? The law says ‘There is no legal restriction on the marriage of first cousins’. That’s good enough for us. Mind you, the law also says it’s not illegal for Bryan McFadden to release music so maybe the Attorney General needs to pull her finger out with an update of the auld law.