Earlier this year, in the height of John Carver’s highly amusing but completely inept attempts to manage Newcastle United, we did a piece picking out some of the worst records in world football. It was meant to be a once-off, but then along came Steve McClaren and all of a sudden it looks like we’ve got a regular series on our hands.
Yes we know Sunderland are just as bad and probably even in bigger trouble than their near neighbours, but the hope that came with Steve McClaren’s appointment makes the Toon Army’s plight all the more remarkable. Played eight, won none, three points out of a possible 23. It’s grim. Never fear Geordies, here are six teams with dramatically worse records than you that even you can laugh at.
#1 Seoul Martyrs – K3 League
P 24 W 0 D 0 L 24 GD -266 Pts -3
At the bottom of South Korea’s third division we have the Martyrs – an appropriate name as they regularly get murdered. It may not look it from the fact they’ve conceded an average of 11.4 goals per game this season, but things are actually getting marginally better as the season draws to a close. While they lost 35-0, 28-0, 25-0 and 21-0 (x2) earlier in the season, more recently they’ve lost comparative nail-biters by scorelines of 7-0, 5-3, 5-1 and even 2-1. They signed off on their season with a comparatively heroic 10-1 defeat. They’ve even been deducted points for some reason. Next year will be our year lads.
#2 FK Universitet Vitebsk – Belorussian Women’s League
P 19 W 0 D 0 L 19 GD -128 Pts 0
Not a vintage year for the students of Vitebsk University. Aside from not managing a single point from their 2015 campaign, they’re on a 21 match losing streak dating back to November 2014. It’s not as if they’re narrowly losing but somehow entertaining their fans through commendable feats of goalscoring. They’ve conceded 120 goals this term and some quick maths should tell you they’ve scored one in 18 games. ‘Things are looking up’ they may well have thought as Natalia Vasilyeva put them 1-0 up in a game last June. ‘Oh no, they really aren’t’ they may also have thought less than a minute later as Zorka-BDU equalised. And then scored another 13 goals for good measure. It’s the hope that kills you.
#3 Metalurgi Rustavi – Georgian Meore Liga
P 6 W 0 D 0 L 6 GD -33 Pts 0
Based solely on this season’s form, Metalurgi aren’t actually that far off Newcastle, but sadly for them, their problems go way further back than the start of the Georgian Third Division season. They’ve won just once in 2015 and that came in a friendly way back in January. In competitive action, they’ve played 25 times, managed four draws and 21 defeats – that’s four points out of a possible 75. Even John Carver can look at that return and snigger condescendingly. They are quite entertaining to watch however – this season alone they’ve already been involved in scorelines of 6-3, 5-3 and 11-0. ‘It’s never dull in Rustavi’ as no saying ever probably goes.
#4 SV Lurup – German Oberliga – Hamburg Division
P 10 W 0 D 0 L 9 GD -56 Pts 0
10 games into the season and Lurup half already reach a half-century … of goals conceded. It’s not the worst form in the world however as last season they won the league below this one to gain the honour of stepping up a league only to get trounced 10-1 at the hands of Curslack-Neuengamme. If that doesn’t sound bad enough, bear in mind that was against a team originally set up to play table-tennis.
#5 ZHFK Ateks – Ukrainian Women’s Premier League
P 14 W 0 D 0 L 14 GD -72 Pts 0
ZHFK Ateks – it’ll earn you some major points in Scrabble and it’s also likely to earn you a few points if you come up against them in Ukraine’s top flight of women’s football. 14 defeats in a row this season conceding an average of 5.3 goals a game is pretty appalling, but the horror really kicks in when you delve into the archives. The ladies of Ateks haven’t won in 33 games, dating back almost exactly two years to the start of October 2013. In fact, that win was there only victory in 69 games in a stretch that goes back to 2011. There are a couple of 0-0 draws that have been ‘awarded’ in their favour by the Ukrainian FA. And we thought it was just Vladimir Putin who manufactured the result he wanted with scant regard for regulations.
#6 Afrika Reykjavik – 4. Deild (Icelandic 5th Division)
P 12 W 0 D 0 L 12 GD -88 Pts 0
Way down Iceland’s football pyramid, right down the bottom of one of the regional division, you’ll find the rather odd name of Afrika Reykjavik. If having an Icelandic team named after one of the world’s continents wasn’t bizarre enough, the fact that they’ve persevered in the face of some terrible results is even more baffling. After failing to earn a single point during the regular season, they unsurprisingly missed out on a place in the play-offs, but the misery doesn’t end there as the records how the team have never won a game of football ever. In 52 games since 2011, they they’ve lost every single one, with a 3-2 defeat in July 2014 the closest they’ve come to victory.